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She Wants a Lot of Sex, but He Doesn't
I'm not entirely sure where to begin, so I do apologize if this is long...
My husband/mate and I have been together for a total of 8 years this upcoming January (married almost six months of that). We love each other to bits, and like all couples, we argue. But when we do, it's more of a debate than an argument, we don't raise voices to shout at each other, we raise voices to clarify a point, and we always manage to work things out.
There's one thing though that we still can't break through.
I have a high sex drive. Very high. It's on almost all the time due to a hormone imbalance. Now, I don't go acting out on it IRL, because I can't picture myself actually going to another man (or woman) and jumping their bones. That and I don't want to hurt him, I love him too much. Now, he is the polar opposite of me. His drive is minimal, I won't say non-existent because it is there, it's just wayyyyyyyyy below mine. As you can imagine this makes sex between us...kind of a two or three a month deal at the least (If I'm lucky, four times a month). When we do have sex, it's mind-blowing, best I've ever had, the end, so he doesn’t have ED or anything like that.
Now...when we have the dry spells, I start to get lethargic, and depressed. I thrive on affection and being touched, I love physicality (Is that even a word? Oh well, it is now.) And when I'm not paid attention too, I start to feel depressed. Thoughts that cross through my mind: "Am I doing something wrong? Am I not appealing enough? What do I need to do to make him notice me more?”
Now I have to backtrack a bit here to kinda ... help put things more into perspective. We are the result of a long distance relationship. By long, I mean I lived in the US, and he lived in the UK. We survived hardships because of my drive, and he even let me "Play" with other people online to help me get a lot of the ya-ya's out of my system. It did help, and I'm forever grateful for it because he's so understanding in that area, but now that I'm here...it's like...I don't know. Something's missing?
There's more...Him and I do things online still (me more so than him), though lately I've been just wanting to grab him and have a good solid few days of just making love. I want to be romantic and be the center of attention and please him, but he's always busy doing his thing. He'll play games, talk to people on IRC, focus on them...he says he does all that to de-stress. He was made redundant at his job (laid off) and has been looking for one since, and since I can't work legally (And I have celiac disease to boot) he's been worried about supporting me and keeping me healthy...and all I want to do is take his mind off of things by taking him to bed for a while.
I guess I just can't wrap my head around how he works. I mean, it's like...he's in reverse. I'm going one way and he's pulling back into another. I worry about him and I want to de-stress him but the only way I know how, is the way I de-stress myself...To top it off when I get depressed, he finds it unattractive and it makes him less likely to actually want to be with me in an intimate sense, that just makes me feel worse.
We're both switches, but I lean more toward the bottom side, and he takes the top with ease. Sometimes I get a bit dommy and I go after him, but it's rare because I can't really read him, if that makes sense. If I could tell when he was in the mood it'd be easier for me. But I just can't, and that makes me feel less confident.
Another thing that makes me feel...weird (or abnormal, I suppose), is that I'm female and yet I've the drive of ten rabbits jam-packed into me. It makes me feel like a freak. He's never stated that I am one, and he's supported me as much as he can, but I still feel so alone in this sometimes.
I feel so bad because sex is important to me, dare I say, one of the important things, and I don't know what to do. I want to be chipper and happy and stuff but I want to be all that with him, but I can't when he's all in his little world of online friends and stuff. I feel so left out in that regard.
I know I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do.
I hate feeling pent up sexually, but I also hate feeling like a selfish dork for wanting that fulfillment and having him enjoy it the same way I do.
I would appreciate your help, any bit of advice will be greatly appreciated!
--Red Kitteh
* * *
Dear Red Kitteh,
Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship, and Papabear knows that an otherwise loving marriage can end if the two people involved are not sexually compatible. So do not feel guilty that you want to have a sexually satisfying life with your husband (you also call him mate, so you are not legally married, I suppose?)
There are a couple things that might be going on here. The first one that comes to this bear’s mind involves stress. You say your mate has been laid off and is worried about supporting you. Being out of work can be very depressing, and he might be trying to alleviate some of this by chatting online and playing games on the computer, etc., in order to escape from reality a bit. Don’t be offended, but spending time with you in any manner, sex or otherwise, might just be a painful reminder to him that he is, in his mind, failing you—and when you act depressed yourself, well, you’ve seen the results. This theory, though, assumes that his sex drive changed after he lost his job, and you have not indicated that to be the case.
Another factor could be age; you don’t mention how old he is, but older men tend to have lower levels of testosterone and lower sex drives as a consequence. The good news is that low testosterone is easy to diagnose with a blood test and his doctor can prescribe testosterone to boost his levels. If this is the problem, then it is easily resolved. Complementary to this is your own hormonal issues, which you say have raised your libido. You do not mention whether you have, or can, seek treatment for that, but, based on your writing, I might assume that your hormonal issues are untreatable.
Other causes of low libido can be drug use (both legal and illicit), being overweight, alcoholism, and diseases ranging from diabetes to anemia to hyperprolactinaemia (a rare pituitary gland disease). How is his health? Has he had a medical examination lately?
The average married couple with no medical issues has sex about twice a week; in comparison, you say you are having sex about two or three times a month, so, yes, this is below normal unless the two of you are in your senior years. “Normal,” however, does not mean everyone will have the same experience; “normal” for your husband seems to be at this lower rate, and if he is not having any of the problems mentioned above, then that could just be what is natural for him.
One more thing: have you had a serious heart-to-heart talk with him about sex? Unless he’s very thick in the head, he surely knows that you want more from him than he is giving, but that is not the same as talking about the problem openly. Talk to him frankly about your bedroom problems, and you might find out that there is something going on you haven’t even guessed at. If something does come out, then do not be judgmental about it. Acknowledge what he has said and try and work your way through it. If you need help, you might also seek out a sex therapist, although this is likely not an option for you since neither of you is employed at the moment and insurance usually does not cover sex therapy.
You say you both love each other very much, Kitteh, so this is a relationship worth saving, says Papabear. See what you think about this bear’s suggestions, and if I’m not hitting the mark, write again and we’ll keep working on it.
Bear Hugs,
Papabear
Dearest Furry: My partner is perpetually at odds with his art, please make him see the error of his ways!
Despite him being an incredible artist (and being told so quite frequently by me) he hates his art. I asked him if he could whip up a quick Firefall related wallpaper of our Fursonas (Check out /r/firefall for more info on the game) for my HD monitor. He did this in about an hour (all the while protesting about how much he hated it). Please help me convince him that his art is amazing!
You can find more of his art on his FA page http://www.furaffinity.net/user/iongt or mine http://www.furaffinity.net/user/tabsterleir
EDIT: Reddit didn't add the imgur link for the wallpaper. Here you go! http://i.imgur.com/UBJWZ.png
submitted by tabsterleir[link] [6 comments]
R366 the P
Sooooooooooooooooo yeh if you’re all about the Room 366 video (which you had to see before it was pulled from across the net), then you’ll like this new video too. Hopefully this one stays on the nets a little longer, I really like how they got the expressions in the muzzles and all. It comes rare and far to see a well put together furry video, so paw claw thumbs up to them.
Episode 48 – Unconventional
KnotCast: Episode 181 – Triangle
Starblade's Death
So I interviewed the alleged murderer and Starblade's parents and wrote an article on it. The story is in the California State University, Northridge publication Scene magazine. It's also on this blog Fencehopper, which is a commentable, updatable version. (Since Scene magazine is a physical publication.)
Having trouble deciding on a character concept, so I thought I'd ask you guys...
As an anthromorphic version of itself, which animal would have the most believable stoic personality, in your opinion?
I know any could if I really wanted to force the trait, but a theme of the project I am working on is the play off of traits commonly associated with animals (i.e. weasels are sneaky).
Thanks.
submitted by MrSeventySeven[link] [15 comments]
Episode 48 – Unconventional - We’re back to our standard show format! In what must be some kind of marathon record, Istanbul gives the Anthrocon Report of the Damned; anyone who missed his voice will surely be happy, as he prattles on for something [...]
We’re back to our standard show format! In what must be some kind of marathon record, Istanbul gives the Anthrocon Report of the Damned; anyone who missed his voice will surely be happy, as he prattles on for something like twenty-five minutes! We also have a PSA about dehydration and heat stroke, how to handle suspicious phone calls while you’re not at home, and discussion about all the Fur-B-Q nonsense that happened last week. If you’re not familiar with it, put on some oven mitts, because the urge to facepalm will be nigh-irresistable!
Once we get into e-mails, our topics range far and wide! We’ve got discussion about a fiance who seems to be an across-the-board enabler and warnings about cheating patterns, discussion on the nature of pansexual vs. bisexual, the difference between gossiping and commiserating about customers, Istanbul’s monthly Word That Sounds Dirty But Isn’t, advice on how to meet furs in your area, a writer who comes to Ohio’s defense as a state, and discussion on the state of the upcoming Wii U!
Next week, we have a double topic, though they’re related. Next week, we want to hear about your break-ups and your regrets. They don’t necessarily need to be related, but we understand that they sometimes will be. We want to hear from you, the listeners; we love hearing from people who have never written in before along with our cherished regulars, so don’t be shy, we don’t bite (probably)!
Twitter: fuzzylogiccast
FA: fuzzylogicpodcast
E-mail: fuzzy.logic.podcast@gmail.com
iTunes: Fuzzy Logic Podcast
Download:
Episode 48 – Unconventional
File modified June 22, 2012 – 81.5 MB – downloaded 624 times so far
SF Pride Events?
Hey gang. I'll be in SF for Pride on Sunday. Any events, booths, areas, get togethers, etc. that I wouldn't want to miss?
submitted by GoateeDude[link] [1 comment]
Episode 181 - Triangle
So, I'm looking for a good-but-affordable character reference sheet for my 'sona. If any of you know of (or are) someone who could do that for me, it'd be great.
I don't have a whole lot of money to go around at the moment, though I'm working to change that, but I'd love to be able to have more art of my fursona drawn up, and a reference sheet thing seems like it would be a good thing to have. Can anyone refer me to someone who could help without asking for both arms, both legs, all my tails, and my firstborn?
Edit: Alright folks, unless there's a sudden change, it looks as though I've got my artist all picked out, but I'll be looking into the rest of you fine artists that offered your services, maybe I'll hit some of you lot up for more normal commissions in the future, when I have more money to go around!
submitted by NoRaptors[link] [20 comments]
My fursona (first digital drawing, so... :I)
The Ursa Major Awards Anthology
As Furry Fandom’s Ursa Major Awards enter their 10th year, Fred Patten (a long-time member of the Awards’ parent organization, the Anthropomorphic Literature and Arts Association) has collected and edited some of the best winners and nominees from the Awards’ “Short Fiction” category into a new book, the Ursa Major Awards Anthology. It’s coming at the end of June from Fur Planet Productions. Featuring short stories by Brock Hoagland, Michael H. Payne, M.C.A. Hogarth, Chas P.A. Melville, Kristin Fontaine, Kyell Gold, Jim Hayden, Samuel C. Conway, Paul Di Filippo, and Naomi Kritzer, as well as original illustrations, the anthology also features a new wrap-around cover by Blotch. Sample copies of the anthology were available at Anthrocon — and sold briskly. You can find out more at Fur Planet Productions’ pre-order page.
image c. 2012 Fur Planet Productions
I'm new to the community, I've made my fursona and I'm going to make it my first suit this year. what do you guys think? any advice?
Foreign Furry Fandoms: Japan
There is a thick mist surrounding foreign furry fandoms. We Americans are hardly exposed to foreign furry culture beyond the artists we watch on art websites. It’s the reason I wrote an entire article about it. There are shards of content available around the internet. Many foreign artists are on FurAffinity and DeviantArt. Kemonono is an English imageboard that focuses on the Japanese “kemono” art style. However, what we experience is nothing but the art that overseas artists create.
Like any subculture, it’s impossible to understand the foundation by only examining the productions that trickle their way to the surface. (Imagine judging American furries using that method… oh, the horror.) The difficulty lies in finding information about foreigners. The invention of the Internet has been a great boon in that regard, but we still have to deal with language barriers, cultural differences, and, in my case, finding someone who’ll listen to the questions of some stranger from across the world with a weird FurAffinity avatar.
I’m a writer for a furry website, I swear!
Surveys in the past have had issues with reaching international audiences, further complicating things. In order to create an international survey, a series of questions would have to be agreed upon as well as a distribution method, the questions would have to be translated by two translators whose work could be cross-referenced to remove translation errors, and the entire thing would have to be approved by the institutional review board of the sponsoring institution. In short, jumping through hoop after hoop, with an unforeseeable brick wall possibly thrown in at any point.
As a result, foreign furries have been underrepresented in surveys. In the Anthropomorphic Research Project’s International Furry Survey from Summer 2011, non-Americans made up 24.9% of the survey demographic. In Winter 2011, it was 33.03%. Those portions are largely made up of Canadians and Europeans.
However, the cultural differences between Canada, Europe, and America isn’t as strong as the differences between America and the rest of the world. South American responses comprised 0.5% of the Summer 2011 responses and 1.21% of the Winter 2011 responses. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to learn more about the South American furry culture?
Well, too bad! Because, for this article, I’ll be writing about the Japanese furry culture. (Asia was 0.6% in Summer 2011 and 0.98% in Winter 2011, for those statistics junkies out there.) Japan has a special place in the furry fandom stereotyped as “those weird guys who invent the craziest fetishes and those super cute fursuits”, and I decided to do my best in order to learn more about them, past all the stereotypes and generalizations.
Japanese fursuits: 10 parts “faux fur”, 90 parts “adorableness”.
In order to do so, I had to cross that huge invisible wall separating the American furries from the Japanese. Fortunately, that was no big deal, because someone’s already done that. His name is Yoshinomi, and he’s been to Anthrocon three times now. His English isn’t bad at all and he was very receptive to my slew of questions, derived from discussions with others about the subject. I also received some tertiary input from mick39 (made famous for inventing the Sergal species). I’ll summarize their responses to each question.
“Furmeets”, small gatherings of 10-40 or 50 furries, usually at a furry’s house, are popular in America. Do those exist in Japan, and if so, are they prevalent?
Furry gatherings don’t normally take place in host homes. Most planners have meets for friends, taking care to avoid problematic furries, and host them in meeting rooms, karaoke rooms, and the like. This makes sense. Japan has a much lower average housing size than American homes (close to a third the average square footage). Tokyo, where over a quarter of the population of Japan lives, has the highest population density in the world (almost four times as much as New York City). Meeting somewhere public probably allows for more space and a more interesting venue. The “meets” are inherently smaller, as well. Mick39 suggested 2-10 people.
How important is sexuality to Japanese furries?
Of course I had to ask this one. It’s a broad question, but the answers were very enlightening. Of course people like adult art and such but it isn’t discussed in public, even at meetings or conventions where people who aren’t interested could be present. The furries involved in “yiffy” chatter on twitter and such end up on the butt end of rumors. Fursuit crossdressing (males in female suits) aren’t a big deal, though, as long as it isn’t prominently sexual (huge boobs, bondage stuff, etc.)
Japan’s oldest and largest convention, Kemocon.
Is there a skew towards gay/bisexuals in the fandom like there is in the American fandom?
Many furries are gay/bisexual, just as they are here, but it isn’t shown as much as it is in America. Hookups are heard to be arranged over the Internet but only in private.
How do Japanese furries see the American furries? What do they think of us?
Another broad question. Since Yoshinomi is a fursuiter, he had more to say about the difference in fursuiters. The conception is that the majority of American furries order their suits elsewhere instead of creating them themselves and that even if someone’s wearing an ugly fursuit they’re generally pretty nice about it. Good stuff, I suppose. Mostly, American furries are just as mysterious to the Japanese as they are to us due to the language barrier. It was mentioned that some use FA and other generally American websites but at large the Americans are very separate.
Do furries in Japan have a strong internet presence? How important is social networking over the internet?
My favorite response! The popular thing for Japanese furries a few years back is a Japanese website called “mixi”. Mixi is a social networking site that started in 2004. In May 2008 it had an 80% share of the social networking market in Japan with over 21.6 million users. However, apparently the website started copying the nuances of Facebook and most furries ended up migrating to Twitter. It isn’t the best way to find information on conventions and such, but that information is easily available elsewhere. Pixiv, of course, is an important player as well. Pixiv, a Japanese online art community, was started in 2007, currently has over 4 million members, 24 million submissions, and receives over 2.8 billion views per month.
What differences do you think there are in the artistic styles of Japanese and American furries?
Much wasn’t said in response to this. The art style is very close to Japanese anime and the style is very prevalent in Japanese artists.
I’m pretty sure “anime-inspired” is a fair cop.
What does the fandom mean to you?
Another loaded question. The first part of the response was a clarification on the term for a “furry” in Japan. They call themselves “Kemoner”, a portmanteau of “Kemono” and “-ner”, basically “one who participates in”. (For the curious: “?” = “Kemono” = “beast”. “????” is the fully written term for “Kemoner”, pronounced “Ke-mo-na”.) It’s mentioned that the usual fun stuff is great, fursuiting and making friends and all, but some furries are problematic. The overall experience, of course, is “exciting”. It’s noted that it’s a significant part of their lives.
What does the fandom mean to those in your region/locally?
Yoshinomi mentioned making a friend nearby on FurAffinity, so it’s been a blessing in that way. The question wasn’t discussed much beyond that.
How is furry seen as by non-furries in Japan?
Visibility of furries to non-furries is low in Japan compared to America. Yoshinomi is a part of a volunteer group who wears fursuits at a zoo (comparable to many similar such groups here in America). The crowds tend to like the mascot suits (similar to here) but he fears that knowing that the wearers are “furries” might cast a kind of shadow on their group. (“Gross and weird” were his exact words.)
What do people do in fursuit in Japan? Community activities? Furmeet activities? Just private/conventions?
Basically, at volunteer services, but sometimes at cons and private meetings as well. Pretty standard.
Bowling: the standard international furry social glue.
How are fursuits different in Japan from America?
Radywolf and Mahiro are cited as “the base of Japanese fursuits”. Yoshinomi mentioned liking cartoony American fursuits since anime-like Japanese fursuits tend to be copies of the really good builders. However, he mentions that he hears from Americans that American suits are just copies of the good builders as well. (Basically, this is an American summary of a Japanese impression from an American on other American suits. Woah!) In addition, it was mentioned in the responses that Japanese fursuits were “two or three steps behind” American suits. Them’s fighting words!
And, there you have it. Similarities and differences abound due to the difference in culture and location, as anyone could have expected. Some of the answers were very intriguing. I had never heard of Mixi before these responses and I had never considered that the difference in Japanese housing would factor into their furry fandom.
Ideally, I’d like to ask these questions to more furries from around the world where the difference of the local culture can influence the growth of the furry fandom. The unexpected answers here only encourage the notion that not only is there significant differences in other furry cultures but that the differences can be unique and utterly fascinating.
Plus, it gives me an awesome excuse to post really cool art and pictures from foreign cultures!
References:
- https://sites.google.com/site/anthropomorphicresearch/past-results/international-furry-survey-summer-2011
- https://sites.google.com/site/anthropomorphicresearch/past-results/international-online-furry-survey-2011
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Housing_in_Japan
- http://www.infoplease.com/askeds/us-home-size.html
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_metropolitan_areas_by_population
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japan
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixi
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pixiv
- http://www.kemonono.com/kemono/res/6492.html
- http://pastebin.com/hYr75FnF - “yoshinomi’s answers”
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