Ask Papabear

Hello Papabear,

My Aunt on my mom's side got married a couple years ago and they now have two young kids together. I want to be in their lives and be their cool uncle type of archetype. I want to lead them to the furry fandom by showing them animated movies and shows with anthropomorphic animals. Do you have any good recommendations to start them out with?

Warrior Bird

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Dear Warrior Bird,

First off, abandon ye all notions of "leading" them to the furry fandom. It's okay to show them movies and TV shows and comic books etc., but don't do so with the goal of indoctrinating them. That's no better than the father who tries to force his bookish son to love football. If they like animated anthro movies and TV shows, great, but don't try to force it. I just wanted to be clear on that before continuing.

NOW then! I think a nice approach would be to combine old school and new school films and TV. I'm just going to recommend a couple of movies so as not to overwhelm. From the Old School:

1. Animalympics (1980): A furry classic that was written for TV, this feature-length cartoon has animals of all species competing in summer and winter games. It features the wonderful voice talents of Gilda Radner, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer, and Michael Fremer, and its funny and has a lot of heart. You can watch the full movie for free on YouTube here: Animalympics
2. Disney's Robin Hood (1973): The classic that turned many young people into furries from way back, this terrific tale features the voice talents of Peter Ustinov (OMG his Prince John characterization is brilliant!), Phil Harris, Pat Butram, Terry-Thomas, and Brian Bedford (as Robin). My main complaint about the film, though, is that it was made during a period when Disney (the company) thought it could save money by redrawing scenes from earlier films. That's why, if you compare Robin Hood to 1967's The Jungle Book, you'll see many of the exact same physical motions, especially in the dance scene.

Moving ahead a bit into the 1990s, I recommend:

1. The Lion King (1994), which is basically a version of Hamlet set in the African savannah with talking animals, but it's well done and has music by Elton John.
2. A Goofy Movie (1995): I'm honestly not a big Goofy fan, but so many furries I know absolutely adore this film that I have to recommend it even though it is not to my taste.

More recent stuff:

1. Zootopia (2016): Not too many animated films — even with talking animals — are set in worlds populated only by animals. Disney's Robin Hood is one and Zootopia does it quite brilliantly. Probably a film that was conceived specifically for furries and recognizes the growing economic influence of our fandom (i.e., e.g., studio execs saw there was money to be made by appealing to furries).
2. Ratatouille (2007): A common rat with a nose for food tries to make it as a chef in Paris. What's not to love?
3. Sing (2016): This one is also set in an all-anthro world, but what really makes this film is a good story and strong characters trying to find success in a singing competition.
4. Turning Red (2022): Many furries are into transformation stories, and this is the ultimate transformation story about a little girl in Canada who inherits the family "curse" of turning into a red panda when she starts to reach adulthood. The theme is quite obvious: the pains and conflicts we all go through in our relationships with family and peers as we leave childhood behind to find who we truly are. There has been some criticism from red panda furries who didn't like the way the panda character was drawn, but I thought she was cute.
5. Cat's Don't Dance (1997): This underrated film about a cat from Indiana trying to make it in Hollywood musicals of the 1930s is just brilliant. The music is fantastic, the characters are loveable, and the theme about the injustices of prejudice are poignant.

Okay, this is OBVIOUSLY not everything, but it hits some highlights. Also, wait until they are a bit older before showing them classics like the original Watership Down--a must-see for older teens. I would like to mention that I am thrilled that I have gotten Furry Founder Rod O'Riley to write Movies for Furries: An A to Z Guide, which will be released by my publishing house, Uncle Bear Publishing, hopefully by in time for Christmas (he's on the F's at the moment). You will definitely get a lot of helpful hints from his book when it is released!

You also asked about "shows," which I take to mean TV shows, yes? There are some current popular ones in the fandom from Japan — Beastars and BNA: Brand New Animal — but these are way too mature for little kids. So are some popular furrie cartoons like Helluva Boss and, hopefully soon, Lackadaisy from the comic book by Tracy Butler. It has a pilot on YouTube LACKADAISY (Pilot) and some mini episodes, but I think money is making for a slow go. Anyway, you want something for the kids, so here's my "starter pack":

1. Bugs Bunny and the Warner Bros. cartoons of the 1940s and 1950s, especially. No furry repertoire is complete without watching these classics of the wascally wabbit, Road Runner, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn and the rest of the gang. Make sure they watch the opera satires, especially. And, yes, there are cartoons from the 1960s and into the present day, but you gotta start with these.
2. Kimba the White Lion (originally aired 1965-66): The story of a young lion who tries to find peace between humans and animals in Africa. 
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (first aired on TV 1987-1996): Conceived by comic book writers Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird in 1984, this story of turtles mutating into ninja warriors after being contaminated by polution and then being trained by an anthro rat in martial arts became a phenomenon spawning movies and merchandise. Unfortunately, some furry cartoonists and other independent artists also attribute the success to TMNT, which started as an indie comic, for destroying the indie comic industry. Nevertheless, it is a highly influential anthro cartoon that is worth watching.
4. Sonic the Hedgehog: Debuting as a videogame in 1991, it also became a Saturday morning cartoon in the early 1990s and is probably the first superior example of videogame-turned-TV-cartoon that has proven influential to the furry fandom.
5. Pokémon the Series: Another cultural phenomenon is this Japanese series that began as a trading card and videogame. The TV series debuted in 1997 and is ongoing.

More recent animated series that furries get into include:

1. Bluey (2018): From Australia, this series is very happy and optimistic, and the simple animation style should appeal to very young viewers.
2. Paw Patrol (2013-): From Canada, the story gives you a cast of talking puppies who help rescue people. Adorbs.

And, I just want to mention some puppetry stuff, including anything with Muppets (like Fraggle Rock), Bear in the Big Blue House, and of course Sesame Street.

I could go on and on about this topic, but that's enough for now. Oh, there is a helpful Web page with lots of info on movies, TV shows, comic books, and Web content that appeals to furries: Popular with Furries - TV Tropes. This is not just kid stuff, but there is a lot here that is useful to peruse.

Thanks for your question! I hope this was helpful.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, PapaBear!

I hope this question isn't too out there, but I wanted to come by and ask a question about the fandom that has been in my mind for a while.... How would you expand, or well ... introduce the concept of anthropomorphism, and the general Furry Fandom to an entirely different place that isn't as common with those themes?

Well, let's be a bit more specific.... I come from a Pakistani family (my dad's side specifically, Mom's side is Latino), and I was always curious in the future where if I go to Pakistan, or somewhere in the general South Asian region (whether it'd be Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka, or India), would it be a good idea to introduce the concepts I mentioned above? If there is a slight chance of maybe, how would I introduce it? There is a chance that there are Indian Furries, or Furries from the general subcontinent, but I doubt they're that vocal about it for reasons.... And that does make me wonder, with how different the beliefs of South Asia are, Whether it'd be the British Partition, the Religious influences, or the Minefield that is Kashmir, it might not be as good as an idea... But it still remains as an idea I want to pursue.

Regardless of my ramblings, what do you think of this idea(s) I'm thinking about? I apologize in advance if this is overwhelming! I am kind of passionate about my heritage's cultures, so please excuse my ramblings!

With regards,
Riley.

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Hi, Riley,

At first, I thought you wanted to sway your parents toward thinking about furries and accepting you as a furry, but it sounds more like your question is how to expand the fandom into Asia. I guess you are not aware that there are several conventions in the East, including two in China, three in Taiwan, one in Singapore, one in Malaysia, two in Vietnam, and one in the Philippines. On that side of the world, there are also three Australian furcons. Check this out for recent cons: 2024 Asian Furry Convention Calendar | FurryCons.com.

Now, it sounds like you believe that the West can foster the growth of the furry fandom in the East. I believe that is a misguided idea. While it is true that the modern fandom began in California, spread through the United States and into England, Germany, and the rest of Europe and even into Central and South America, two factors conspire against American influence in the Eastern fandom: 1) Cultural differences, and 2) growing anti-American sentiment in the world, a fire flamed by Trumpism. For these reasons, the spread of the fandom into Asia will come not from America but largely from Japan.

Actually, when you think about it, the fandom in California did not arise spontaneously. It actually was powerfully influenced by Japan. You see, back in 1977, a couple of Founding Furs--Fred Patten and Mark Merlino--started what was called the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization. This small group of early aficionados would get together and watch anime cartoons from Japan like Kimba the White Lion and The Amazing 3. The Los Angeles branch birthed a New York City chapter, and from there it spread, starting the first APA periodicals, furry art, stories, and so on.

The spread of the fandom into Southeast Asian countries comes not from America but from Japan because, I surmise, the people in areas such as Singapore and Taiwan can relate more closely to Japanese culture than Western culture (although the West certainly has an influence through the popularity of such things as Disney and Pixar animated films).

Cultures in the West and Southeast Asia are more pliable to the concept of the anthropomorphic arts than Arabic and African countries. The more religiously and culturally conservative a country, the less likely it will be receptive to a wild idea such as people dressing up as talking animals. It may happen, eventually, but in drips and drabs. I have met some furries online in places like Nigeria and Lebanon, but they are deep in hiding, telling no one of their love for the anthro arts. You can understand this in some places like Nigeria (a mostly conservative Christian country), where being discovered as gay can get you literally stoned to death. In other countries, Islam specifically prohibits the depiction of sentient beings in art. This is called aniconism, and the Sahih Bukhari is very explicit about this (even though the Quran is not). This is why Muslim art (most beautifully seen in Arabic architecture) uses geometric designs, and you do not see people or animals portrayed in it. Fursuits and furry art definitely fall into the prohibited depiction of animals, so you can see that the fandom will likely not be seen in conservative Muslim countries. (This doesn't mean it's impossible. For example, Indonesia, which is the largest Muslim country in the world in terms of population, hosts Indonesia Anthro Weekend Gathering in Kabupaten Tangerang). 

India, on the other hand, is dominated by Hindus, Sikhs, and Christians, none of which have this prohibition of animal art, but I am at this time unaware of any furcons in that subcontinent even though India being strongly influenced by the West because of its years in the British Empire and has a culture more primed to novel ideas such as furries.

The expansion of the furry fandom proceeds organically. In a world connected by the internet; the spread of media in film, television, and music; and modern-day travel, the concepts of the fandom art planted much like birds dropping plant seeds in new environments to spread non-endemic species. If the soil is not nutritive to the new plant, it won't grow; if it is rich with the loam of open mindedness, it will.

If you feel like you need to encourage the spread of the fandom to places like Pakistan or Mexico (Mexico, by the way, does have a furcon, Confuror 2024 - Home), I don't think you will be able to do it quickly. What you can do is reach out to any furries you might run into online from countries that are as yet virgin furry zones. Also, be a good example of the fandom to any newbies to our community.

I hope that answers your question.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions lately and was hoping to hear your thoughts about something personal.

Recently, I joined a furry Discord server hoping to connect with others in the community and ease my growing loneliness. While the people there are incredibly kind and supportive, I’ve found that instead of feeling more connected, being surrounded by their positivity and camaraderie has only amplified my sense of isolation.

I decided to suggest a space in the server where people could openly share their struggles—a place for vulnerability and honesty—because I thought it might help people like me who feel disconnected. However, the suggestion was understandably denied for reasons I had anticipated, such as concerns over moderation, misuse, and triggering content.

Now that it’s been denied, I’m reflecting on everything, and I find myself caught in a loop of feelings. On one hand, I respect the mods’ decision, and I never wanted to create a burden for them or the community. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that my need for connection, and even my loneliness itself, is something selfish or shameful.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: how can I come to terms with these feelings of rejection and loneliness without internalizing them as a reflection of my worth? And how can I continue to seek connection and be honest about my struggles without feeling like a burden to others?

Thank you so much for reading this. I deeply appreciate your time and guidance.

Sincerely,
Samuel (23, Indonesia)

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Hi, Samuel,

Thank you for your email. Quick question before I reply with a full response: Are you able to meet furries IN PERSON in Indonesia? I know there are furries in your country, but not sure whether you have been able to meet them in the real world.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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Hi Papabear!


First of all thank you for the quick response. For your information, I have two furry friends from my country (one introduced by my best friend because I write a furry story, the other I found out is one when I was going through his art social media). However, the first one is much like me, struggling to find furry friends due to: (1) financial constraints to attend Indonesian furry expos (there is IWAG [Indonesian Weekend Anthro Gathering]), (2) having a hard-time looking for a furry server where the members are from Indonesian, and (3) having a terrible experience from Indonesian furries we DID meet online (we even used the app BARQ!), which is why the two of us are so keen on joining a server or meeting one not from our country.

As for the second friend, he's an anti-LGBTQ+ and I'm kinda discouraged to be friends with him, knowing that Indonesia itself has a strict religious law (so is my patriarchal and religious household). I myself have an anti-LGBTQ+ best friend that I don't mind hanging around and be vulnerable with at all (he even knows I'm a furry), but for this other friend... suffice to say that I don't want to be friends with him. When I confronted him in hopes to rekindle our friendship (literally a few days ago), he was being pretty rude, defensive, and outright disrespecting me even after saying "he respects my choice"; it's clear he didn't.

And... maybe to add a bit of context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to seek professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a big barrier, but beyond that, there’s a strong stigma in my family around mental health (and the fact religion and politics are avoided discussions in servers are not helping). Discussions about seeking therapy are often shut down with the belief that religion is the solution to all struggles, and anything beyond that is seen as unnecessary or even shameful.

Ironically, I helped co-found a free counseling platform in Indonesia for almost six years now, called Berbagicerita.id, which aims to make counseling accessible for those in need. However, as the co-founder, I can’t use the platform myself because of ethical boundaries in psychology. It’s like this: when you’re working with staff you know personally, disclosing personal problems creates a conflict of interest that can affect the dynamic of future professional interactions. Even the founder, who has a difficult life too, don’t use the platform for the same reasons—it’s a boundary we all respect. While I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve built, it also leaves me in a difficult position, unable to access the kind of help I’ve been advocating for others.

And if you ask me why I don't use other free counseling platforms, it's because of the same reason as well. Many of the counselors or psychologists on these platforms are often connected within the same professional network as my own platform, or they could even end up being people I’ve collaborated with in the past. The overlap makes it difficult for me to seek help without worrying about breaching boundaries or feeling self-conscious about disclosing my struggles to people who might know me personally or professionally.

It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. The server modder who disclosed that my suggestion for a venting channel suggested me to find social group, but he doesn't know about this additional context/information because it's a very private information for me and I can't just disclose this to everyone in the community, even if it's just to add a context of where I'm coming from.

It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment.

Thank you again for listening, and for taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. It means a lot to me.

Sincerely,
Samuel

P.S. Sorry, I'm just going to make the third paragraph less confusing:
And... maybe to add a bit more context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to access professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a major obstacle, but even beyond that, my family holds a strong stigma against mental health support. In their view, religion is the ultimate solution to all struggles, and seeking therapy is often dismissed as unnecessary or even shameful. This mindset has created an environment where discussing mental health is not only avoided but actively discouraged. On top of that, the avoidance of topics like religion and politics in many online spaces, including this furry server I join, makes it even harder to express how deeply this affects me. I respect the boundary and am fully aware of it, but it doesn't make it any easier for me at all.
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Hi, Samuel,

So, which Indonesian furry groups have you tried? Have you tried:

• https://furries.id/
• (5) FURRYINDONESIA(IDN) | Facebook
• Indonesia Furs (@indonesiafurs) • Instagram photos and videos ?

As you are aware, living in a Muslim country means you're going to have a tough time being a furry. Frankly, it's amazing that there exists the IWAG, and I heard there was a convention called PAWAI, but it did not have a convention in 2024 and probably won't this year. So, yes, that's rough. The furry community in general overwhelmingly embraces left-leaning, liberal views, such as acceptance of LGBTQIA people. We also believe in mental health. Rough to be in such a conservative culture that finds seeking emotional or mental counseling to be a "weakness." One also finds that attitude in Catholic-dominated countries such as Mexico and conservative countries like Nigeria in Africa. 

With the limited number of opportunities in Indonesia currently, it will indeed be a challenge for you to connect to your local peers with what is currently available.

But you already have hit upon a solution, even if you don't apparently realize it. When you saw a need for it, you cofounded Berbagicerita.id (and kudos to you for doing that!) As you stated, however, getting help from a professional group you helped to found does not really work, ethically speaking. 

Fortunately, that constraint doesn't apply when it comes to the furry fandom. Here are some examples from my personal experience:

1. Thirteen years ago, I saw a need for a place for furries to go for advice, so I created this advice column, "Ask Papabear."
2. Around the same time, I saw a need for a social media group for furries 30 and older, so I created the Facebook Greymuzzles page. 
3. Last year, I also founded the Silvermuzzles Facebook group for furries 50 and older. This addresses the needs of an aging furry demographic.
4. Six years ago, I founded The Good Furry Awards to help recognize good deeds performed by kind furries and to counteract all the negativity in the fandom.
5. Two years ago, I founded Uncle Bear Publishing (which is still getting off the ground) to produce educational nonfiction books for the furry fandom.
6. This year, I founded Furries for Freedom on Facebook to provide social support and education to furries living in the United States in the fascistic Trump era.
7. I even created a Bear Furries group on Facebook because bears are a minority and need to support one another in the fandom.

When you see a need for something but you can't find any existing resources and help, create a group, service, or product yourself to fulfill that need! I guarantee that you are not the only Indonesian who is in your predicament. Start a social media page, a vlog, a podcast, a website, or such-like things and get people to come to YOU. I will even help. If you do this and want to promote it, I will give you a free banner ad on my Ask Papabear page and promote it on my social media groups.

What say you?

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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Hi, Papabear,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response. It truly means a lot to me that you not only took the time to share your experiences but also provided concrete suggestions and support. Honestly, I’ve been reading your site’s “About” section and some of the letters others have sent you, and it’s inspiring to see how much you’ve built for the furry community and the impact you’ve had over the years. It’s clear how deeply you care about creating spaces for people to feel seen and supported, and I really admire that.

That said, I also want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally right now. While I deeply admire your “build what you can’t find” philosophy, it feels overwhelming to even imagine taking on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life. I feel like I’m still in the process of finding my own footing and understanding what I need to feel connected and supported.

Loneliness and the lack of safe spaces to truly be vulnerable have been long-standing challenges for me. I’ve spent so much of my life navigating environments where being open about my struggles felt unsafe or even impossible, at least when I'm not with my friends which I don't have much, really. The furry fandom feels like one of the few places where acceptance and understanding are deeply valued, which is why I’ve been so drawn to it. But even here, I sometimes feel like I’m standing on the sidelines, watching others find belonging while not knowing how to step in myself without feeling like I’m asking too much. It’s as though everyone else has already traveled miles ahead on their journey of self-acceptance and connection, while I’m still stumbling at the starting line. And the last thing I want is to weigh anyone down by pretending I’ve caught up when I know deep down I haven’t.

One thing I’ve realized too is that I know I’ve fallen into this habit of defining myself and my worth through my vulnerabilities—what I consider the “ugly” or broken parts of me. It’s almost as though my struggles with basically everything in this life have become a kind of shorthand for my identity, when in reality, those "ugly" things are only part of who I am. I know I’m not just a collection of struggles; I’m a multifaceted person with dreams, interests, and values that go beyond these challenges. Still, I feel like I’ve let these struggles take up so much space in how I see myself and how I present myself to others, and I guess that's why I'm so desperate for connection...
I’ve also been grappling with a deeply rooted sense of what’s “ethical” when it comes to vulnerability, which only amplifies this sense of existential isolation and angst. Even in a space as welcoming and inclusive as the furry community, I can’t seem to shake the fear of being seen as a burden—of overwhelming others with my struggles or taking up too much space. This fear isn’t just fleeting; It's been a part of my principles. This kind of irrational-but- understandable fear has even triggered panic attacks in the past, where the thought of being “too much” for others (or worse, being completely forgotten) has left me paralyzed.

It’s a complicated mix of self-awareness and self-doubt, really. On one hand, I recognize my struggles and understand that everyone has limits to how much they can take on emotionally (like people in any Discord server, not just furry). On the other hand, this hyper-awareness makes me hesitate to reach out at all, as if my desire for connection might outweigh someone else’s ability or willingness to hold space for me. It’s like walking a tightrope between craving meaningful relationships and being terrified of what they might cost—whether that cost is pushing someone away, feeling rejected, or confirming my worst fear: that I’m fundamentally too much to handle.

Underneath all this is a deeper longing to break free from cycles of hatred, both external and internal. I’m exhausted from hating parts of myself that I didn’t choose and from feeling like those same parts make me an outsider. And I’m equally tired of the unspoken battles with judgment, both within myself and from others, that make vulnerability feel like a double-edged sword. I just want to exist as I am—flawed, complex, and human—without fear that my authenticity will hurt or alienate the very people I want to connect with.

But then again, vulnerability is not always appreciated, and boundaries exist, and I can’t expect everyone to have the capacity or the energy to handle what I bring to the table. And since I'm too self-aware of everything, I understand that very well. and I deeply respect people’s right to protect their own emotional well-being. But at the same time, it’s hard not to wonder where that leaves me—how I can navigate these boundaries without shutting myself off entirely. I want to honor both my needs and the needs of others, but finding that balance feels like an impossible puzzle one of these digital days.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for guidance on how to move forward when it feels like everything is weighing me down. How do I approach building meaningful connections without being consumed by fear or self-doubt? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable in ways that feel healthy and ethical, for both myself and those around me? And perhaps most importantly, how do I stop defining myself by my struggles and instead learn to embrace the full scope of who I am?
Thank you again for your kindness and for offering to help. Your willingness to listen and share your wisdom has already made me feel a little less alone, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

Sincere Hugs,
Samuel

* * *

Dear Samuel,

I understand that creating a social group and leading it is not for everyone. Don't feel bad about that.

Next question: What do you feel are your "vulnerabilities" and "weaknesses"? What qualities do you feel others are judging you for--and, more importantly--are YOU judging yourself for?

pbear

* * *

Dear Papabear,


To answer your question, I would say that my vulnerabilities often lie in how deeply I feel and experience things. It’s like I’m constantly walking around with raw emotions, sometimes even when I don’t want to. It makes it difficult to function normally or engage with others without feeling like my emotions are too overwhelming, not just for me, but for those around me too. I find myself hyper-aware of this, as if my emotional intensity might somehow spill over into every interaction or space I enter, which is one of the reasons I’ve often kept my struggles hidden or downplayed them.

I also judge myself for the times when I feel like I’m too much to handle. Whether it’s being too vulnerable, too emotional, or too open about my challenges, there’s this constant nagging voice that tells me I’m asking too much from others. It's like there’s always this internal weighing of whether my need for connection is valid or just a burden. That makes me hold back from being authentic sometimes, because I fear that if I let it all show, people will pull away or even look at me with pity or judgment.

I think I also carry around this fear of being judged for the very parts of me I find hardest to accept—my flaws, my mental health struggles, and the moments when I just feel lost. It’s hard to separate those things from my identity, and I often wonder if others are seeing me through that lens, too. I’m afraid that I’m defined only by the parts of me I wish I could change or get rid of.

But at the same time, I know that these “vulnerabilities” don’t define me as a whole person. They’re just pieces of a larger puzzle that I haven’t fully figured out yet. That’s why I sometimes feel so conflicted about being vulnerable—because I’m still trying to make sense of it all, to figure out which parts of me deserve to be seen and shared, and which parts need more healing before they can be part of my connection with others.

I’m still young and learning how to balance those feelings and not let them take up all the space in my life. I want to move toward a place where I can accept both the beauty and the brokenness of who I am, and where I don’t feel so deeply judged by myself or by others for being human.

I hope this gives you a clearer sense of what I’m grappling with, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Apologies in advance if everything about my letter getting too heavy or philosophical at this point.

Warmly,
Samuel

* * *

Hi, Samuel,

My next question is perhaps rather obvious: Have you ever been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum? 

Pbear

* * *

Hi, Papabear
No, I have not. I've never been diagonosed with anything (neurologically and psychologically).
Samuel

* * *

Tell me, do you have any of these symptoms?

Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | CDC

pbear

* * *

I've just read the website. I don't think I used to display any of these symptoms back when I was a kid because I wasn't afraid to make friends back then.

I just asked my mom and she said I've been shy since I was a baby. She also said that I'm always the one approached first and not the one approaching, that I'd even hide behind people if I make eye contact. I guess looking back at the friendships I made during my school years, even now that I've finished college, it makes sense.

Samuel
* * *

Well, it sounds like you are simply shy, which is different from being autistic, of course.

I was very shy as a child, too, and as a teen. I was terrified of speaking in public, but I overcame this. How? By becoming a zoo docent. A docent, if you don't know, is a volunteer who talks to guests about exhibits, such as at museums and zoos. I was a docent at the Detroit Zoo and then the Potter Park Zoo in Lansing, Michigan. To be a docent, you have to take a class to learn about the animals on exhibit and also basics of zoology and the environment. When you finish the class, you can give tours and school visits and other presentations for the zoo society, which, of course, means public speaking.

The reasons why this helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of groups were that I knew the subject matter and I cared about what I was telling people. Once you have these factors in your pocket, it dramatically reduces your fears because you gain confidence in your material. At least, that was true in my case. I think it was for others, too.

To reduce shyness, you therefore require confidence in yourself. How does one accomplish this? Several ways:

• Practice mindfulness. These two words encompass a lot, but basically it means being fully aware of your surroundings and your bodily state in the present moment. Building this skill helps decrease and eventually eliminate reflexive and destructive thoughts and emotions. To save space, here's a helpful link on tips on how to practice mindfulness:  How to Practice Mindfulness: 11 Practical Steps and Tips
• Related to mindfulness is to stop seeking approval and vaildation from others. Much misery and anxiety is found in people who base their existence on a desperate need to gain the approval of family, friends, and peers. Stop worrying about what others think and be yourself. I know, that is a lot easier for me to write than it is to do, but you can do it with practice and time.
• Don't over analyze and overthink things. This gets you stuck in, as you say, a loop that will prevent you from taking action and doom you to a state of pointless self-reflection.
• Do not indulge in self-criticism. This is a toughy. Whenever you find yourself saying something negative about who you are, pause, find a mirror, look at yourself, and say 3 good things about yourself for every 1 thing you said that was bad. 
• Only speak when you know what you're talking about; if you don't know what you're talking about, listen.
• Read read read read. There is so much to learn about our universe! Consume information like a thirsty man in the desert.

Once you have practiced the above for a sufficient amount of time, you will find your self-confidence has grown considerably. When we are self-confident and accepting of ourselves, we no longer feel lonely even when we are alone because we no longer need validation of others or even the company of others to feel comfortable in our own skin. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely, you see.

How does this solve your problem? You will find it true that people who are desperate for companionship exude an air of desperation that is offputting to others and drives them away. When you are no longer desperate for company, people gravitate to you. There is something extremely attractive about someone who is comfortable in their own skin. They feel genuine, and genuine people tend not to be fakes and liars, which is also very appealing.

Even though you still have the issue of limited socializing opportunities in Indonesia, this is the start of helping you not only to connect to others but also to not feel desperate when you do not do so quickly because you are fine on your own. He who is comfortable being alone with himself will never be lonely.

Thoughts?

pbear

* * *

Dear Papabear,
I’ve read through your suggestions carefully, and I've written and rewritten this reply for almost three hours. I have to admit that you’ve hit on some truths I’ve been reluctant to fully admit to myself. I'm not just shy, but I do also struggle with overcoming shyness itself, though I think my situation is also worsened by a history of overthinking, self-hatred, and self-doubt that often spirals into fear of judgment or rejection. What you’re saying about mindfulness, self-acceptance, and letting go of the need for external validation, however, really resonates with me, even if it feels like a steep hill to climb right now.
I think one of my biggest challenges is the constant internal push-and-pull between wanting to connect deeply with others and fearing that I’m too much to handle. It’s like I know, intellectually, that I shouldn’t define myself by other people’s perceptions or approval, but emotionally, it’s harder to internalize that. You’re right: this fear of rejection and the pressure to “be enough” causes me to act in ways that probably come across as desperate, even if I don’t mean to. Your reminder that self-confidence and authenticity naturally draw people in is going to be something I’ll try to keep in mind as I work on myself.
Your story about being a zoo docent was also comforting to hear. I think a big part of my struggle is that I’ve let my fears hold me back from taking those kinds of risks; whether it’s joining a group or starting a conversation. Reading about how you overcame your shyness reminds me that change is possible, but only if I’m willing to take the first step voluntarily.
You're also... very right about how I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing every little thing I say or do and how others might interpret it. This overthinking keeps me stuck and prevents me from taking meaningful action, whether it’s pursuing friendships or simply allowing myself to enjoy the moment.
Reflecting on this now reminds me of the time I used to struggle a lot with anger, which I'm pretty sure may have been linked to undiagnosed intermittent explosive disorder (IED) and was heavily influenced by my environment. Growing up, my "family dynamics" played a big role in shaping my emotional responses. Constant tension, my parents’ fights, and the emotional outlet my brother and I became... I experienced punishment, neglect, or criticism over small things, like getting wet in the rain or taking a bath "clumsily," and that emotional strain built up over time. As I got older and my brother distanced himself, I became even more isolated in my frustration.
While I can acknowledge how my environment influenced me, I also realize that I was the agent of my own anger; just as I am right now the agent of my own criticism. It was exhausting, and at some point, I just decided to let go because I don't want to be like my mother, although she's better now despite her still-suffocating religious principles. I still have moments of irritation, of course, but they’re far less intense than they used to be. And now, thinking about what you’ve said, I realize how much mental space I still give to these loops of self-reflection—why this, why that. Maybe just like I stop letting my anger control me, I should also stop letting my crticisms control me. Maybe I should also internalize the idea that I don't want to be what my parents made me do to myself.
Maybe I should also admit that it’s mentally draining to constantly question whether I’ve shared too much or if my vulnerability is a burden to others. I think my shyness often comes from this fear of opening up too far, too fast, and then being judged for it. Perhaps I should care less about whether I’ve revealed too much or if others are silently judging me. Maybe that way I can actually start to connect with people in a way that feels genuine instead of forced or guarded. Do it not too slow, not too fast, but just the right amount: at its own pace.
Finally, your point about being “alone” vs. “lonely” really hit home. I’ve always struggled to be comfortable in my own company, and it often turns into brooding or self-criticism rather than a chance to recharge. I’m realizing that if I can be at peace with my own presence, it’ll help with everything else—self-acceptance, confidence, and connecting with others without relying on validation.
Thank you again for your kindness and honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about and work on, and while I know change won’t happen overnight, I feel like I have a much better sense of where to start now.
Warmly,
Samuel

* * *

Hi, Samuel,

Well, I don't think I said this would be easy. I really only started to come into my own truth about 10 years ago. I spent 50 years feeling miserable and trying to please others. It never works. You have to be who you are and accept who you are.

IMHO, one of the best paths to do this is to learn about Buddhism. Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion, and teaches us mindfulness and acceptance of ourselves and the universe. Another good path is Wicca, which is a modern version of traditional "pagan" beliefs as they were once followed by the Druids. You can also study the Stoics, which I have found helpful.

Good luck to you.

Pbear

Greetings, Papabear,

I've written to you before on different issues. This time, however, is a lot more serious. Early in the morning on January 7th one of my best friends passed away in a sudden and severe house fire. There is still an active investigation on the scene. She, her mother, and her father are all believed to be dead. The night before, neighbors reported hearing possible gunshots. Her father was not a very good person; me and my friends suspect he caused whatever started the fire.

This question doesn't have much to do with the fandom, and I apologize. But how do I go forward from this? I can't focus at school, Grief counselors have been pulling me every week; I feel sick when I eat; and I can't sleep.

What do I do? I can't continue normally, and I don't know how to start doing so when every thought is about her.

Thank you,
Floppy

* * *

Dear Floppy,

This will probably involve more than one correspondence. Firstly, my condolences for your loss. What a tragic thing to happen. 

I have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. First of all, what do you mean you "believe" that your friend and her parents are dead? Were bodies not discovered? Is there a chance she is still alive and simply fled? This happened 9 days ago, so surely their fates should be known by now. Secondly, do you know whether a police investigation is ongoing? And do you have any newspaper or online stories on this incident you could forward to me? Finally, what does "counselors have been pulling me" mean? I'm unfamiliar with the use of "pulling" in that context. Do you mean you have been talking to counselors weekly?

At the moment, without these answers, I don't feel I can give you an accurate response, but my first impression is that there are a lot of things hanging in the air unanswered. And one thing that can help you is knowing the answers, which can provide a step going forward towards what they often call "closure." 

Let's talk some more soon. 

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Greetings, Papabear,

My family was directly informed on her passing; however, they have not released the names to the general public, and because we aren't direct relatives, we haven't been given a "for sure" answer about her parents, only her. Its pretty obvious at this point that her parents are gone as well, and anyone close to her has come to this conclusion.

We recently had a big snow event in Alabama, and it has slowed down the investigation.

Cause of death has not been released to the public, and my mom hasn't been informed on any changes. The investigation is still active/ongoing.

Counselors have been taking me out of class in school weekly (sometimes days on end) to question me or just sit with me.

Floppy

* * *

Hi, Floppy,

Thank you for the quick reply. I don't know what the counselors have been telling you, but here is my take on it as someone who has also faced the sudden and unexpected loss of someone close to them.

1) As I said previously, it will help you some to know, once the investigation is done, what exactly happened. When someone dies suddenly, it can provoke feelings of anxiety if you don't find answers because we, as humans, want to understand why horrible things happen. It helps us make a little sense of the tragedy and eases our upset.
2) Did you have any unresolved feelings or concerns between you and your friend? Things you wish you had said but now can never say to her? If so, it may help you a lot to write them down in a journal or to express those feelings to someone you trust. It really does help to release those things in actual words and not bottle them up inside.
3) If there is a memorial service and/or funeral, I encourage you to attend. Ceremonies help us to find release through closure as well.
4) You might also have your own private ceremony. Just you and your friend who is now in spirit. Go somewhere private. Take a photo with you of your departed friend. And talk to her one on one. Another ceremony I think is nice is to get a helium balloon from a local store, write a note of goodbye, tie it to the balloon, and release it to Heaven.
5) If you are a religious person, talk to your minister or priest or other spiritual leader.
6) Did you have shared friends? You might get them together and share your memories of your friend together and give each other hugs.
7) Allow yourself to cry.
8) Allow yourself to get angry.
9) Allow yourself to feel depressed.
10) DO NOT listen to people who say things like "Get over it," "When are you going to stop being depressed?" "They are in a better place now" (a horrible thing to tell a grieving person) or other such cliches. There is no time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time and, slowly, you will feel better on your own time schedule, NOT someone else's. I mean, it has been not even 10 days. You're allowed to be sad and to have a hard time focusing on daily activities. THIS IS NORMAL. So don't freak out about it. Remember, having "closure" is not the same as having open-ended grief. When I say "closure" I mean that you have come to terms with the fact that someone is now gone, but you will always carry a little sadness in your heart and that can last for years or even a lifetime, but it will ease over time to a bearable level.
11) Do not neglect your health. Eat normally, get rest, and exercise. Taking care of your body will also help in taking care of your mental and emotional health. The three are tied together. As part of this, do not indulge in drugs, booze, or overeating bad food. My sister dealt with grief with booze and now she is an alcoholic. Not good!
12) Seek an ongoing support group. Don't isolate yourself. Seek comfort in the friends and family who are still with you. Tell them they don't have to give you advice (indeed, people often feel pressured that they have to advise you, and they don't know what to say, which can just make things awkward), just hugs are enough and listening to you. 
13) Allow yourself to experience little pleasures in life that cheer you, whatever those might be. Don't feel guilty if you experience moments of joy and pleasure. It's okay.

You have me, too. I know what you are going through and you can write me any time, Lily.

I hope this helps.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Furiends,

As Papabear orbits the sun for his 60th time, I'm reflecting on all that has changed since I arrived on this planet in 1965. Here is a summary of life in America and the world at the time I was born . . . 

When I was born, The Beatles were at their height; Bob Dylan released "Like a Rolling Stone," and The Who released "My Generation"; miniskirts were the rage; Star Trek TOS had not even aired yet, but the pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," was reworked and filmed in the version we know today; Frank Herbert published Dune; The Sound of Music is released, as is A Charlie Brown Christmas; JFK had been dead 2 years; but his presence was still felt in America; NASA had launched Gemini 3, the first multiperson spacecraft, Gemini 4, the first American spacewalk (astronaut Ed White), and Gemini 5, the first manned weeklong mission, Gemini 6 and 7 perform first rendezvous in space,  Ranger 8 had scoped out the Moon for landing sites, Mariner 4 flies by Mars to give us our first close-up photos of the Red Planet, and the SNAP-10 became the first nuclear-powered spacecraft; meanwhile, Soviet cosmonaut Alexei Leonov performed the first spacewalk; women still didn't have the right to own a credit card without their husbands name on it, and we were 8 years away from Roe v. Wade still, but the SCOTUS ruled that the banning of contraceptives under Connecticut law was unconstitutional; also 4 years away was Stonewall, and anti-sodomy laws (really, anti-gay laws) were the rule in most states, although in 1961, Illinois had banned such laws, the first state to back off of homosexuality being illegal; in good news, the Voting Rights Act of 1965 had just been passed; Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965, which established Medicare and Medicaid for the first time; but Vietnam was an escalating nightmare, and the U.S. was criticized by the international community for using chemical weapons against the Vietcong; Muhammad Ali successfully argued against being drafted on the principle that he was a pacifist (kudos!); Johnson makes burning your draft card a crime punishable by 5 years in prison (the draft doesn't end until 1973); the Watts Riots cause civil unrest in the country for a week; President Johnson signed the Nationality and Immigration Act of 1965, which basically removed the restriction placed on allowing immigrants from entering the country from certain places, especially Asians and eastern and southern Europeans; Johnson also signs Executive Order 11246, banning employment discrimination based on race; he also signs the Motor Vehicle Air Pollution Control Act, the first federal law controlling car emissions; an 8.7 earthquake had devastated Alaska, and a 7.4 earthquake killed 500 people in Chile; Canada--get this!--had just adopted its maple leaf flag! The Cold War was getting nightmarish, with the USSR testing a nuclear weapon in Kazakhstan; in Alabama, Governor "Dickhead" Wallace, in his efforts to stop Dr. King's Selma to Montgomery march, approved what became Bloody Sunday, with cops beating the marchers with clubs and whips until they finally forced them to stop at the Edmund Pettus Bridge; in the tech and science world, the first magnetic video tape recorder to be commercially available to the public, the Ampex VRX-1000, was released; Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson at Bell Labs discovered cosmic microwave background radiation, solid evidence supporting the Big Bang Theory; the first portable defibrillator is used in Belfast; the first all-news channel, WINS 1010AM in New York, began broadcasting, and The Today Show became the first TV program broadcast via satellite; the first computer dating service is debuted by a joint MIT/Harvard University venture (so blame them); the first pushbutton telephone had come out only 2 years ago, and the first video game, Pong, would not come out by Atari until 1971.

As you can see, life was very different. We made a lot of progress since the 1960s, but now much of that progress is being threatened by those who resent the strides in civil rights we have made. I often get nostalgic for the 60s and 70s, but as you can see, there was a lot of stuff that was not so great during those years, years that those born in the 21st century would feel like a totally different reality. 

The Trump Administration and Republicans want to take us back to a time before women's rights, immigration rights, LGBTQ rights, and more. As much as there was some cool stuff back in the 60s, such as with the music scene, I do not want to see 60 years of progress erased. 

Profound changes seem on the nearby horizon. Powerful countries like Russia and China appear to be imploding under the weight of their own corruption, but if we are not careful, the USA might follow their lead.

​While all this is going down, the furry community needs to stick together more than ever. We will inevitably find ourselves targets of the hate as part of the culture wars that the Republicans are waging to distract Americans from the fact that the rich are robbing the middle class into extinction.

To help support the furry community, I have started a new group called Furries for Freedom. At the moment, it is only a Facebook group, but I will be starting a website soon and spreading to other social media. Our goal is to support the furry community, educate them on their rights, report on news related to our freedoms and rights, and to in general be there for those who need friends.

Together, we can make it through this.

Bear Hugs,
​Papabear

​Dear Furiends,

To all of those who will be spending their holidays and New Year with friends and family, you are blessed, and I wish you a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Yule or whatever occasion you enjoy.

But this message is for all of those who are lonely, sick, depressed, or broke this year. Papabear understands. This is a rough year for many, including me. I lost my sister and a good friend this year; I lost my dog, Ernie, last year. And it's hard to celebrate New Year's knowing that an insane, senile, narcissistic dictator will sit in the White House AGAIN in 2025. Anger and hostility and rabid nationalism are on the rise in America (encouraged and enflamed by the Orange Cancer), and it will affect the furry community in a bad way, guaranteed (which is why it pisses this bear off when furries attack their own fandom; we have enough trouble with the normies and don't need you to add to it).

These are troubling times.

Frankly, if you are succumbing to despair, I feel for you. To be honest, Christmas brings this bear little joy anymore. I sent out dozens of Christmas cards this year (as I do every year), and do you know how many I got? Five. And one of those was from my insurance guy. My sister has succumbed to alcoholism and has become a TERF, a hater, like so many in this country, and she has cut me out of her life and won't even talk to me. I also lost my dear friend, Dineegla Moose, just as he was getting ready to attend MFF, and earlier this year, we all lost Mark Merlino, a key founder of this fandom if not the man singly most responsible for its existence.

I have decorated, and cooked, and spent a buttload of money on gifts as I do every Christmas, but there is little joy in it for me, I confess, and certainly no return on my efforts except for one gift under the tree from my hubby (the last person in my life who is really in my life), and I already know what it is ... so ... no surprises (but that's okay, my love). I'm feeling a lot of empathy for Ebenezer Scrooge, honestly. I miss the joy of my childhood Christmases so much that my heart aches, a past filled with family and cheesy Christmas decorations and cat and dog companions; a holiday of claymation TV shows and saccharine holiday specials; a time when I wasn't worried about inflation and my withering income's inability to meet expenses and global warming.

If you're like me, you probably sometimes fantasize about giving Christmas the middle finger right up Santa's butthole.

But here's the thing, my dear troubled readers.

The world needs you not to give up.

Because if we all give in to the dark monster of despair, we will never recover from this downward spiral we are currently in.

This is why I still do what I do. It is why I continue this column; it is why I work on my Facebook groups for Greymuzzles and Silvermuzzles; it is why I run the Good Furry Awards; it is why I get up each morning and take care of my 76-year-old husbear and all his needs. That's what Santa does. He doesn't do his worldwide labors for plaudits and rewards. He does it because the world needs a little joy and wonder.

So, I am asking all of you: Be like Santa. I know it's hard, but we need to step up when no one else will and keep the light on and the flames glowing and the noms baking in the oven.

Because if we don't do it, who will?

I'm not asking you to spend money and wrap a bunch of gifts. I'm asking you to be a good friend to others, whether these are family members or coworkers or classmates or dear pets. Give people hugs. Be polite to others. Give a parking spot in a crowded lot to someone else. Give someone a compliment on their appearance or something they have done. Tell a joke to lighten the mood. Share your cookies. Every little thing counts.

Recently, I watched the movie Red One. If you haven't seen it, the center of the story is that Santa's chief ELF worker, Callum Drift (played by the endearing Dwayne Johnson) feels like retiring after about five centuries of service because all the humans around him seem petty and selfish and without Christmas spirit. Santa is then kidnapped by the Christmas Witch, Grýla (a figure from Icelandic folklore, in case you wondered), who believes, like Krampus, that the world would be a better place if all the nasty humans were punished instead of being given joy as Santa believes. Long story short, she is defeated (not a spoiler; it's a Christmas movie), and Callum regains his spirit of Christmas.

A key to the defeat of the witch is Santa commanding his reindeer with the single word: KAVALAME!

What the heck does kavalame mean? This is not really explained in the movie, but the word is a very clever device by the writers. Interestingly, it is not from Norse mythology (much of Christmas lore has northern European roots) but from Greek. Kavala was an important city in ancient Greece, and St. Nicholas was of Greek descent. More on point, though, is kavalame's connection to the Sanskrit word kavalam, meaning "only" and key to the phrase baba nam kavalam, meaning "only the name of the beloved," or more poignantly, "love is all there is." 

Or, as the Beatles sang, "All you need is love."

Love defeats the nasties out there like Grýla and Krampus.

For Christmas, dear readers, that is my gift to you: Love. I am entrusting it to you because it is a precious gift. It is also a magical gift because you can give it to others over and over and, like Willie Wonka's everlasting gobstopper, it never runs out.

Because in the end, despite the crass commercialism of modern Christmas, the hordes of Christmas shoppers clogging the roads and malls, the political turmoil, the social unrest spread by the Convicted Felon Doofus "President," the wars and pollution and hate that seems all around us, there is one thing they can never steal from you, and that is the love in your heart.

I love you furs. And I love this fandom. And as long as I have breath in my lungs and blood in my veins, I will be here for you if you need me.

Yours in Bear Spirit,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I'm probably not the sort of fur you usually get questions from, but I'm hoping you can give me a little advice.

Soon both of my parents will be gone. Dad passed five years ago and mom just entered hospice. They both were mentally and physically abusive, something they never admitted or attempted to make right. It's taken me decades to process and overcome the abuse. My brother never did and I've witnessed him exhibit some of the same abusive behaviors with his own children.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother mentioned that he was alone. He's divorced, in awful health, and more or less estranged from his two kids. He seemed to be asking for help and, being a helpful fox I want to do something... but can and should I?

I'm thinking of laying it out on the table for him... telling him he needs to seek counseling, he needs to hear and accept his children's feelings, and most of all change. But am I rushing in where foxes shouldn't tread? I've mostly dealt with my demons, am I opening old wounds when I can't really do any good?

Yours,
Foxfire

* * *

Dear Foxfire,

Thank you for your intriguing email. I am not unfamiliar with situations like your own in which an estranged family member tries to make their way back into your life. The first question you must ask yourself is this: Are they only doing this because they need money or to otherwise take advantage of you, or are they sincerely reconnecting? For example, someone close to me has a son who cut off ties because his father came out as gay, but this son occasionally contacts him--not because he misses him, but because he wants to hit him up for money. How touching.

On the other paw . . .

It is an unfortunate truth that oftentimes a victim of childhood abuse like your brother will, when they become parents themselves, abuse their children in turn. I believe the statistic is about one-third become abusers. You didn't, but your brother did. Unlike your brother, you did the homework to deal with the psychological scars head on. As you know, that is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Your brother, though, did not deal with his feelings, and so, as is often the case with people who don't deal with their emotions, those negative feelings have to come out, and they can do so in violent ways. My sister did something similar. She was raped by our grandfather when she was a girl and never really dealt with it, so she became an alcoholic and a very angry person instead.

Because your brother did not deal with his issues, it has cost him his wife, his children, and his health. Now he has hit bottom. What is actually a promising sign, however, is that he is now reaching out to you for help. As long as the warning signs I mentioned above (asking for money and so forth) don't come out, I think you would be a good brother to offer him a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to go way out of your way to do this. Just listen, give him a sympathetic ear. Maybe see if you can help him find a good counselor, because you are right: What he really needs is some good, solid, professional guidance on the one hand and a bit of emotional help (you) on the other. Obviously, this doesn't mean you are "taking his side" or condoning what he did to his kids. I'm thinking a heart-to-heart between you two will show that, deep down, he knows what he did was wrong, and there is a good chance he really doesn't understand why he did it. He just knew he was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it in a healthy way.


A good place to start is the website Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. Perhaps, if you have not done so yourself — and even though you seem to be coping pretty well — you could benefit from looking this over, too. Maybe do so before you talk to your brother.

To answer your question, then: Yes, be there for your brother if you can. More than almost anyone in the world, you will understand him because you grew up in the same household. Don't be preachy or pushy. Just start by telling him he can talk to you, and you will listen. Then, perhaps go on this journey together of talking to counselors. Even though you are okay (it seems, mostly), if you do this together that will be of IMMENSE help to your brother — and bless you for doing so.

This is a bit of a tricky road, though. Make sure he doesn't take advantage of you but do be there for him emotionally. Do you think you can manage that? It is okay if you feel like, emotionally, you are not up for a task that can be a pretty hefty burden, so don't feel guilty if you honestly don't think so. But if you do, that would be a terrific thing to do.

Let me know if the above helps or you have more questions.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Some months back, Soatok published this article on the explosive growth of the Fandom.

What are your thoughts on it, and the discussion surrounding it? Can we fight these problems? How? Is it too late?

Boyesh

* * *

Dear Boyesh,

Thank you for your email and sorry for the slow reply! 

An interesting and timely question, and thank you for asking. The fandom is, indeed, growing by leaps and bounds, and a number of furcons have extremely high attendance rates. However, as much as I like Soatok, I think they are spazzing out a bit. Yes, Midwest Furfest had over 15,000 attendees, but compared to Comic-Con in San Diego, which had about 135,000 fans this year, it's peanuts. New York's Comic-Con had even more at 200,000 attendees in 2022. You don't see people giving up on comic-cons, do you? So why would they give up on furcons that have a tenth of the attendance?

Instead of treating attendance as if it were a problem, we should treat it as an opportunity. There are many things that can be done. One of these has already been deployed by Anthrocon in Pittsburgh. Uncle Kage recently announced that in 2025 they are going to cap attendance to keep the crowds at a safe level (respective of such things as fire regulations, hotel considerations, and general enjoyment of the attendees). Other large cons such as Midwest Furfest and Furry Weekend Atlanta might follow the same strategy in the near future, I would surmise. Although, on the other paw, maybe they will just grow into furry versions of Comic-Con.

This doesn't mean that furries are out of luck in attending furcons. There are lots of smaller cons, and new cons are being created. For example, in Southern California where this bear is from, when Califur shut its doors, it was soon replaced by Golden State Furcon in Los Angeles and, this year, Another Furry Con debuted in Ontario (California, not Canada). Up in the Bay Area, when Further Confusion started getting large, we saw overflow go to PAWCon. The same thing can easily happen in states like Pennsylvania. Satellite cons could open up to welcome furries who could not, for whatever reason, make AC. 

The headline of Soatok's article ("Furries Are Losing the Battle Against Scale") is self-defeating and presumptuous. What are our options here? Well, one option would be to see the number of furries decline, risking what happened to the Bronies when their convention closed and now they have no cons. Second option is things stay the same, which isn't likely but would mean we'd go along as we are, which isn't so bad. And Option 3 is that we continue to grow, which is a testimony to the success and popularity of the furry fandom and should be celebrated, not mourned.

Soatok notes that furry attendance at cons and meets etc. is growing at about 10% annually, which means it will double in 7 years. They then compare this to the 0.8% growth of overall world population, concluding that furry growth is unsustainable. Soatok then predicts that: 1) Furcons will become accessible only to tech-savvy and wealthy furries; attendance costs will rise; hotels will become too crowded; and furries will get stressed and start fighting with each other.

First of all, chill out. Of the over 100 furcons going on these days, only 7 have attendance rates exceeding 5,000 while over half have attendance rates under 1,000. Yes, a few cons are over-attended, a hazard of being a popular and well-run convention. Most still have plenty of room to grow. Soatok says that convention growth (in terms of total hotel rooms) is flat and that we will therefore get crushed under a flood of furries swarming to conventions. I beg to differ. In a very helpful article on the Fang, Feather, & Fin website from 2022, Gale Frostbane notes that there were 11 conventions in the 1990s, 52 in the 2000s, 138 in the 2010s. 

This seems to be leveling off now, true, but there are two big reasons: 1) The COVID-19 pandemic, and 2) the rise of virtual conventions such as Furality (which had over 21,000 attendees this year). But just because furcon space is a bit stagnant at the moment does not mean it always will be. This is, I believe, a blip. An adjustment. Things will happen to cause more furcons to open, older ones to diversify and adjust, and alternatives to cons (such as furmeets and parties and camps) to make themselves available.

Already things are happening that indicate Soatok is jumping the gun on offering dire warnings of impending doom. Hotels and convention centers, for example, will not permit attendance to get so huge that no one can get on an elevator or walk through a hallway because they will be crushed by stampeding footpads. As Uncle Kage and the AC staff wisely decided, there will need to be caps similar to what they do with Comic-Con. The idea that cons will only be accessible to tech savvy and wealthier furries is a rather silly point. Most furries are tech savvy already, and there are ways to get around money issues in attending cons to make them more affordable. As for furries fighting among each other, well, I gotta laugh. We already fight with each other about silly things, and we already have issues that divide us, such as the young furs vs. greymuzzle disputes or arguments about whether we should permit furporn or do you have to have a fursona or a fursuit to be furry and on and on.

If the furry fandom is going to survive, it has to grow. And as it grows, it has to evolve. It is already hugely different from when I first started getting active in the 2000s, and it will be hugely different 20 years from now compared to what it is today.

Because there is no organizing force behind our fandom like there is behind other fandoms (e.g. Whovians, Potterheads, Trekkers), one should expect it to be a raging mess of chaos. That can be seen as a weakness or it could be valued as a strength.

My advice? If you really really want to go to a large convention, book as early as you possibly can and/or find a friend who has been before and ask if you can room with them. But remember there are dozens of furcons that are much smaller and manageable in size. You can have a wonderful experience at conventions that have, say, 500 to 1,500 attendees. You know, I have never been to San Diego's Comic-Con, and I have absolutely no desire to. I despise crowds. So, instead, I went to the tiny Palm Springs Comic-Con and had a super time! You can also attend furmeets or camps or virtual cons. If there is nothing in your area but there are furries nearby, start your own meetup! What's to stop you?

We are going through growing pains. But while Soatok is correct in noting that we have some rough waters ahead, they are incorrect to start fearmongering and make furries feel that the future of furcons is bleak. It is not. It's just different, that's all. 

The future of the fandom will continue to see conventions of all shapes and sizes.

I hope that answers your question.

Bear Hugs!
Papabear

I am saddened that the majority of Americans prefer a white man with a record of tax evasion, molestation, fraud, criminality, and disloyalty to American ideals over a woman who is ethnic and has a clean record as an upstanding citizen. I anticipate there will be a lot of unpleasant days ahead of us, especially for women, LGBTQIA people, immigrants, and anyone else who is not a white male fake Christian in America.

If the results of this election are causing you stress, I understand 100%. If you want to talk about it, please feel free to write me any time and your letter will go to the top of my pile when it comes to this issue.

Now more than ever, we furries need to stand together.

Dear Papabear,

I've been in the furry fandom for over a year, and I've been enjoying my time here. I've made so many friends and even met the love of my life. But there are times where I develop imposter syndrome. Like I feel like I don't deserve the friends and the awesome memories I made in the fandom. People tell me otherwise, but I feel like I genuinely have a hard time proving myself that I belong sometimes. Especially for the fact I don't own a fursuit or that I'm not an artist. Yet I still have people who love me, even outside the fandom too. I was wondering if this feeling is normal in the furry fandom and what are some good ways to remind myself that I do matter. Thank you.

Sincerely,
An anonymous Saint Bernard

P.S. I love your fursona and fursuit so much. It's so awesome and adorable. Genuinely wanna give ya a hug.

* * *

Dear Saint Bernard,

Thank you for your letter and the compliment :-3

First off, it must be emphasized that you do not need to have a fursuit to be an active and beloved member of the fandom; nor do you need to be an artist or a gamer or a writer or even have a fursona. The baseline here is simple: Do you love the anthro arts? This includes movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, furry RPGs, and so on. If you answered "yes," then you're a furry fan. The confusion is common. You see, there are really two types of furries: hobbyists and lifestylers. Hobbyists are those who enjoy the anthro arts but do not get into the self-identity side of it, which involves everything from having furriness engulf everything in your life (i.e., e.g. you have furry art and plushies and fursuit stuff all over your home (sometimes called being "furry trash"), furry stickers plaster your car, you often wear a tail or ears in public places, etc.) to actually feeling like you have an animal spirit or that your fursona is in some way really who you are (the far spectrum of this bleeds into the therian and otherkin communities). The hobbyist is much more caszh about the fandom. They like to go to cons or meets, sure, and they may have a fursona for playing games with their friends, but they fully identify as human and spend the majority of their time as such among their normie friends. I, personally (not that you asked), am somewhere in between. You can find furry art hanging in my office, I will be suiting for normie trick or treaters this week, and I do feel I have a spiritual connection to bears, but for the most part I seem pretty normie when I'm not at a furcon.

Given the above, you are not an imposter. So, why do you feel like one? It might surprise you that the majority of young Americans (70% by one study) say that they have experienced imposter syndrome at least once in their lives. I have often experienced it too, and the result is usually my berating myself as insufficient in some way, and sometimes people misinterpret my anxiety to false modesty. For example, people sometimes compliment my intelligence, but then I say to myself I really am not that bright; I just have a bachelor's degree; I only speak one language fluently; I have never won an important award or grant or recognition yadda yadda. The result is that my negative feelings about myself are roadblocks to my moving ahead with my life at times. This kind of lack of self-esteem can usually be traced back to our childhoods, especially to those who had either very controlling or very protective and permissive parents. If you have been bullied or socially ostracized as a young person, this can certainly contribute to imposter syndrome when you later achieve great things in your life but a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you don't deserve it.

My furiend, everyone deserves friendships and respect and love and happiness. And when it comes to the furry family, well, you have landed in a community to which many people who feel like social outcasts are drawn. I think you will (or have already) found people much like yourself who are shy, lack self-confidence or self-esteem, or just feel attracted to the fandom and are blown away by some of the popular furries in it and don't feel like they themselves measure up. Again, I do this too. When I first started getting active in the fandom around 15 years ago, and I saw some awesome artists and writers and musicians and fursuiters (and community leaders like Uncle Kage), I was like, "Okay ... um.... I'll just sit in the corner here and watch and not try to annoy anyone." But the more people I interacted with and the more friends I made, the more I felt like everything was cool here and I began to relax and really enjoy the community.

To sum up: 1) no fursuit or artistic skills needed; 2) yes, it is quite normal at first, especially, to feel like you are an imposter; 3) with time, that feeling will ease as you make friends, find your crew, and have more fun being furry. 

Some techniques to assuage your feelings? 1) don't compare yourself to other furries; there will always be furries who seem more accomplished or whatever; who cares, just do you; 2) try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down; when you feel yourself saying things like "I'm not good enough to ... " just stop, pause, and replace that thought with something positive about yourself (e.g., I'm a good friend; I am good company to hang out with; I'm a giving person; I am helpful, etc.); 3) socialize socialize socialize, and by this I mean talk about your feelings with others (you'll find you share much in common) and be supportive of them; find people to lean on and let them lean right back on you; 4) and a great way to feel you contribute is by volunteering at a furcon or getting involved in some furcon charity activity such as the ALS Foundation fundraiser in which many furries have become involved (I can get you in touch with people if this interests you).

I'd also like to share a very excellent article from VeryWellMind that talks all about this stuff in detail. It's like a 5-minute read.

And don't worry! You're doing great! You've already found a support network, and I know that the more you get involved with furries the more comfortable you will become in the community. Don't forget to have fun! That's what it's supposed to be all about!!!

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

Hey there! I’ve been looking for an answer to my question and wanted to hear your opinion. Due to mental issues, I struggled for a while to design a fursona I was happy with.


However, recently I did just that! (A goat fursona) But I recently came across another fursona whose design looks similar to mine. I’m talking about similar markings, color palette and same species. Goat, brown and tans for main body color and markings, and different shades of blue for horns, eyes, and hoofs. My fursona isn't an exact replica, but still… Due to the person being rather popular, I fear I shouldn’t keep my fursona or commission a fursuit of them when I have enough money. I’m scared of people bashing me for this or being compared, when in reality I had no idea this fursona existed till after I made mine. Do you have any advice?

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your letter, which brings up an important topic in the fandom. Several points can be made here. The first one is that there is quite a bit of overlap in the fursona world. For example, the single most popular type of fursona is a wolf and/or husky (or similar dog breed) with simple color variations and other minor details. Now, goats are a bit more unique than canids, but a quick look on Furtrack brings up these results for goats with brown or tan markings:

Alexcapranor (📸 @nauta)
Gideon klaus (📸 @oracle_sage)
Baltic berlin (📸 @bluegold1026)
Kurobatte (📸 @hexyc)
Thomasin (📸 @troy_grudin)
Bashfulbeeps (📸 @alleythewoof)
Dirtt goat (📸 @vencrypt)
Mckinley (📸 @linglingfennec)
Meelo (📸 @adelair)
Chamsz (chamois goat-antelope) (📸 @andromedus)
Cedar goat (📸 @thunder_orca)

... and that is just a very cursory, down-and-dirty, incomprehensive search. I'm sure I could find many more, but I think you get the point.

There is a difference between just having the same species with some similar colors and really looking the same. Just by having your fursona drawn by a different artist or having a different maker for a fursuit, you are pretty much guaranteed to have a different look for your particular OC. Truly, you would only get in dangerous waters if your fursona had the same name or you pretended to be the other person (such as hacking into or spoofing their account).

Another issue would be if your fursona was based on a regulated, closed (or semi-closed) species (e.g. Dutch Angel Dragons), which is a unique species said to be an original concept owned by its creator. Closed species have definitive anatomical and physiological attributes and usually their own lore (back story). A semi-closed species has certain required aspects to it but provides more leeway for adding your own spin. In both cases, you are supposed to get permission from the creator to use the closed species (or the aspects of the semi-closed species). Violating such guidelines and avoiding permission approval will likely get you on a blacklist. But, here's the thing: as far as I know, the concept of a closed species is not a legal thing. That is, they more than likely are not copyrighted or have a registered trademark. THAT said, some of the more famous one (returning to DADs) are copyrighted. Deanna Biesemeyer, who created the Dutch Angel Dragon, did in fact go to the trouble of copyrighting their creation, so you do, in fact, need their permission if you want to be a DAD. Protogens and primagens, to give another popular example, used to be closed species, I believe, and they have definite characteristics and lores, but both are now open species (I think primagens might always have been such but protogens did not become open until 2017). 

Sorry for the digression, but it is important. And I note the above because having a brown and tan goat is definitely not an example of a closed or even semi-closed species.

Given all of the above, I would not worry if I were you that there are some similarities between your OC and that of another furry. I would mildly suggest, though, that you take at least a little time to add some of your own unique, personal touches. Not so much for worry about being repetitive but more for the satisfaction and fun of it. This includes lore. For example, Grubbs Grizzly was born somewhere on the Aleutian Islands, but he got a little tired of the cold weather and decided one day to go south, ending up in California. He decided he liked it here, so he moved into the Sierras permanently, built a little cabin, and now spends his days fishing and foraging for food and just being a low-key bear. 

Bottom line: Have fun with it! So many furries fret about stuff like this and forget that being a furry is supposed to be fun. Y'all are fine. And I hope that answers your question.

Bear Hugs,
​Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

I want to ask questions. I flunked that fandom accidentally in childhood when I was been young via rather porn website e621.net. Been in denial for a long time until I am not accepted furry fandom in current age. My parents strictly hate furries due to their thought that all furries are creeps and perverts. However, I am grown adult already and want to watch whatever I want but I can’t do it while my parents near. I want to feel freedom, but I can’t. Also I love that website and your sona. What should I do? I tried to convince my parents that not all furries like this, but they still think like that.

Николай Плац (age 24, Russia)

* * *

Dear Nikolay,

From what I've heard, being a furry in Russia is not easy. The culture there is extremely hostile to our people. There was once a furcon there called Rusfurence in Moscow that I believe ran from 2013 to just before COVID-19 kicked in (it might have died from the plague and never got resurrected), but politicians in your country have always been openly hostile to furries. For example, I understand that the government has apparently blocked furry websites from being accessed in Russia (although you said you have access to e621, so maybe that is exaggerated). Also, there has been a movement among some politicians to make furries and related cultures such as therians against the law (although nothing has become illegal as yet). In a story that just came out today on MSN ("Russian Senator Pushes for Ban on Controversial Furry Culture" by Weronika Paliczka), a senator named Natalia Kosichina declared that being furry (she is targeting therians doing quadrobics in particular) is unhealthy and somehow "dangerous" to the community. She never explains why. Just a fear of things that are different, I'm sure, because the senator asserted that therians should be forced to play conventional sports to make them "healthy."

Anyway, in your particular case, your parents don't approve. This is common, even in America. In my experience, there really isn't much point in trying to sway their opinions toward the fandom because they see you as a child (even though you are 24) and likely won't respect your opinion on this matter. My suggestion to you is that, at 24, you should move out of your parents' house and go make a life on your own where you can be yourself. Now, the problem with that suggestion is that I do not know your financial situation, and politics and the economy right now in Russia is unsettled, to say the least. It might not be possible at the moment for you to leave, but I would make plans to do so as soon as you are able. In your mid-20s, you need to go out and make your own way.

But even if you do so, it is still rough being where you are. If there is any way you can network with nearby furries that would be a help to you for sure. You only note that you are in Russia (a big big place), but if you are lucky and live in or near Moscow, there is a furry group there. Last I heard in an article in Dogpatch Press, they were still organizing events two years ago and hopefully still do so today. Apparently, these Muscovite furries found each other on the Russian social network VKontakte, so perhaps you can locate some furries on that social site, too.

To summarize, it is likely a wasted effort to sway your parents. More productive would be to try to improve your position as an adult and individual, move out, and seek interaction with furries in your area by using whatever means are available to you.

Good Luck!

Papabear

Papabear,

I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person.

How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups?

Anonymous (age 31)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties.

The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. 

When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. 

So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener.

As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate!

Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group.

Let me know if you have further question.

Good Luck!

Papabear

Dear Furries,

As some of you know, I have been running the Good Furry Awards for over five years now. The purpose of these awards was to thank the thankless in the fandom who do wonderful things both for furries and non-furries. We have had some wonderful winners in the past, including Ash Coyote, Dogbomb, Mark Merlino, and Rod O'Riley. I was particularly glad that Mark was able to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award before he passed away.

I never wanted these awards to be "popularity contests." Honestly, I value everyone who was nominated because the intention was to give everyone who makes an effort to make the fandom a better place a paws up and a fuzzy hug. That's exactly the message in our theme song that was written by the fabulous Pepper Coyote. No, the true reason I started this project was that I was so exhausted from hearing furries criticizing the fandom all the time that I wanted to counteract all the negativity with something more positive: the Good Furry Awards.

From the beginning, the GFAs have been criticized by the furry community. They have been called "fake awards," "popufur contests," and worse. Furries have tried repeatedly to stuff the voter box and to nominate fake people. At first, I brushed this off because I had the same reaction when I started the "Ask Papabear" column. I said to myself, "Buck up, Grubbs. People don't understand what you're trying to do, but they will eventually, and they'll see you are doing something good for the fandom." Things did get better for my column (although I still get snarky comments on occasion), but the same cannot be said for the GFAs.

After five years, I still feel like the community finds these awards somehow offensive. I still get criticized for them all the time (which is weird because people don't criticize the Ursa Major Awards, but whatev). I've been wracking my brain as to why. Is it because the award winners are selected by popular vote? If that were true, the People's Choice Awards would have failed long ago. Is it because it is "fake" because I do all the work and not some corporation or national organization? Therefore, it's not "legit"? Or are the GFAs merely despised because furries who don't get nominated feel they aren't getting acknowledged?

I honestly do not know the answer.

But I do know this: Even though my intentions were always good (which is how one paves the Road to Hell, am I right?), if I am putting thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of my own money and time into a project that nobody wants, then maybe my entire concept was misguided and wrongheaded. Perhaps I should try to find another way to thank furries on my own and not worry about what the fandom as a whole thinks. After all, if YOU don't want the GFAs, then why the heck am I doing all this work? My bad.

As with the awards, though, I didn't want to make this decision without any input from furries. After all, I could be wrong. Maybe there are a lot of fans out there, and I just don't know it.

So, here's the deal: I'm putting it to a vote.

From now until August 31, you can vote on whether of not the Good Furry Award will stop now or continue on. How does this work? Well, being the good anal bear that I am, I made up fake ;) guidelines, towit:

1. There must be at least 200 votes received by the end of the month. (Weak turnout indicates apathy, and with several hundred thousand furries in the world, if I can't muster 200 votes, that's pretty telling.)
​
2. There must be a 2:1 ratio of Yes to No votes for the Yes column to win.

I will announce the results September 1.

GO HERE TO VOTE
​

Dear Papabear, Mr Grizzly (forgot first name), or Kevin...

Simply put, I've been interested in the furry fandom for a couple of years but unable to speak to anyone "inside."  I turn 50 this year, and that seems to be a big turn off. I tried a couple furry type chat groups and once they found out my age, they all attacked. I have a difficult time talking to young people since I'm single with no little deductions of my own. I should have lied when registering but thought better of it and forgot the websites. I registered in haste and with no intention of staying. Nobody will find me online. I have no fursona, no artistic ability, no friends and abandoned family over 30 years ago.

I'm a lone wolf, literally.

I gave up trying but can't help but watch a few furries on YouTube and attempt to attend an annual con that comes to town. Last year I missed it (the con) due to working in another hotel that weekend. I'd love someone to help create a fursona and I'd totally suit in public as much as possible. Just not now; it's literally 110 degrees every day in south Texas.

I reckon my question is: Should I just give up completely or is there some other way to make new furry friends both locally and abroad? This is all very frustrating and depressing.

Thank you for your time,

Jacob (San Antonio, age 49)

* * *

Dear Jacob,

Always nice to meet another greymuzzle. Yes, the difficulties you face relating to members of a fandom composed mostly of young people in their teens and twenties can be a challenge. 

But don't give up yet! 

If you're feeling lonely and unloved, I have just the groups for you. Just so happens I run the Greymuzzle group on Facebook that has over 4,000 members just waiting to say UwU and Awoo! to you! Everyone in this group is 30 and older, with many in their 40s, 50s, and up. I also formed a strictly 50 and above group called Silvermuzzles that has over 300 members. Please feel free to join these groups.

There are also some greymuzzle groups on Telegram, Discord, Amino, and, I believe, X (Twitter) that you can join. Just go to your favorite app and search on "greymuzzle" or "graymuzzle" and see what comes up. Oh, you might also try "elderfur," which is a term that is sometimes used, though not too much.

I feel the need to remind my readers (and you) that you don't have to be a fursuiter, artist, writer, gamer, or "influencer" (gods, I hate that word) to be a furry. Hell, you don't even need a fursona to be in the fandom, although it is a bit more fun if you do have one. The definition of a fandom is not "you must be able to produce stuff related to your interest" but only "you must love the thing that interests you." Being a furry simply means that you love the anthropomorphic animal arts. The fun of being in a fandom is to enjoy things like movies, TV shows, books, and comics and to share your love with like-minded people. 

The problem with many in the fandom (not just furries but pretty much everywhere in the USA, at least, if not other countries, too) is that it has become a competition to be noticed, to be validated, and to stand out from the crowd. People want to be "popufurs" and be admired, followed, and lauded. This is neurotic behavior usually stemming from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem, coupled with a desire for undeserved plaudits, is a social illness in our society that is exacerbated by our bizarre virtual spectator culture. Today, the result has been a split in the fandom between furries who are genuinely into furry culture and poser furries who only do it because it is considered outlandish to wear costumes in public and act goofy. That is, they just want to do anything they can to get noticed (I once heard such a furry, when asked why he was fursuiting, reply, "Because I'm bored.") These are the furries who later "leave the fandom" because they "grow up" and aren't preoccupied with attention anymore (busy with careers and family), rather than the furries who don't care about being noticed and just adore anthros no matter what life brings them or what others think about them. They aren't in it for an audience. They're in it for love.

Getting off my soapbox. . . .

I have another suggestion or two. In addition to joining one of my Facebook groups, I recommend you experiment with going to various cons and meets. Not all of them are shaped by the same cookie cutter. You mentioned that you went to the furcon in your town. Seeing that you live in San Antonio, I'm guessing you attended Alamo City Furry Invasion. If that con didn't feel friendly enough, the good news is that in Texas you can also find Furry Fiesta and Furry Siesta (both in Dallas) and Texas Spurs & Furs in Baytown near Houston. Depending on who runs a con, some are good and some are ... well, maybe not so good. My husband and I have a favorite con in Reno called Biggest Little Fur Con that we go to every year. I'm also trying out a new con next month much closer to me called Another Furry Con (I like that they are unafraid of being lame haha) in Ontario, California. It will be interesting to see what the atmosphere is like there.

As for meets, if you are unaware, there is the River City Furbowl in San Antonio on August 25 that you could check out.

Furmeets vary in quality, too. It's all about the person (or persons) who organizes and runs it. Some are quite horrible because they are run by furries with huge egos who create cliques that are impenetrable for new people who want to join. Other furmeets are loving and welcoming because they are run by cool furries. You just have to experiment and see what works for you. But if that doesn't work either, there is yet another option: Start your own furmeet, invite the people you want to invite, and organize your own activities for the meet.

I think your first step should definitely be to join my Greymuzzle group and/or the Silvermuzzle group. You will find many many mature furries there who will gladly help you with things like finding a maker for your fursuit and offering tips for fursuit maintenance and performance. They can also help you with your fursona if you like. That's 4,200 furiends in your age group that you can have instantly by joining!

Hope this helps! Hope to see you in my group soon!

Hugs,
Papabear Grubbs

Hello!

I am a therian and postfurry. I have been a therian for 7 years and I've watched the community grow drastically. People are thinking therianthropy is a trend and spreading tons of misinformation like "It's a mental illness, you need gear and quadrobics, choose your theriotype, I chose therianthropy."

I just can't anymore. I wear my gear practically everywhere because I don't really care for people and their looks anymore. I don't even care about the daily death threats and comments anymore! I care about my poor community falling into a "trend" and absolute chaos. I sometimes wish therianthropy didn't blow up. It was still very underground when I joined--a couple of videos, forums, websites--but now everything's different.

IDK if that's me being nonaccepting of these new, young therians who are most likely not an ACTUAL DEEPLY CONNECTED therians, or if it's just me seeing the damage social media has done to this world. I stay up all night sometimes, doing research on different topics, trying to understand them, or trying to find evidence to support a claim that's false. I spend my nights just trying to save at least my community.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of seeing all these new therians posting videos on TikTok about quadrobics and gear. That's not what therianthropy is about. That is a form of expression to the community, yes, but it's not entirely about that. It's just there to make you feel comfortable in your own body.

I know this was a lot, but I'm really trying my hardest to see if I'm overreacting and delusional or I'm just confused and trying to do good for these maybe actual problems.

Sincerely,
Willow (14)

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Dear Willow:

Thank you for your timely letter. For the last couple of years, I, too, have been thinking about this issue. I'm not a therian, but it is interesting to see how a new generation is trying to change the definition of "therian."

Since I am posting this on my website, please indulge me while I explain a couple of things that my readers might not know (but you probably do, since you said you have researched this.)

What IS a therian?

According to Therian-Guide.com, a therian (or therianthrope) is " someone who experiences animalistic traits. There are some therianthropes who identify as something animalistic which may not have existed on earth. Theriomythics (mythical beasts such as dragons) are among these and it is an individual choice if they consider themselves to be therianthropes or otherkin. There are many theories as to why therianthropy is experienced. Some believe their therianthropy to be caused through reincarnation or misplaced souls, while others attribute it to scientific or psychological reasons such as imprinting, an innate predisposition, abnormalities in neurological wiring, or any of a number of various other theories."

In truth, the idea of therians and otherkin has been evolving for decades. When I first got into the fandom actively about 15 years ago (I have been a furry all my life, but not always active), "otherkin" was defined purely as someone who identified as some kind of mythological or other-dimensional being--most often beings such as elves and dragons--who either originated in another earthlike dimension or from another planet. Today, the idea of otherkin and therian often blend together, or one term is seen as a subgroup of the other (as in all therians are otherkin but not all otherkin are therians ... OR! All otherkin are therians but not all therians are otherkin). For this reason, a lot of people throw up their hands and say it doesn't really matter what the exact definition is, and then they group otherkin and therians under the umbrella category called alterkin or (less common) alterhumans. Now! For fun! Guess what? Here are a bunch of categories under alterkin!

Types of Alterkin:

·   Angelkin/demonkin: those who identify with angels and demons
·   Celestials: those who identify as higher space/dimensional beings
·   Fictionkin: those who identify with fictional characters
·   Godkin: those who identify with various gods and goddesses (small “g,” not big “G”)
·   Lycans/Lycanthropes: werewolves
·   Mythkin: could be a simile for otherkin if you define otherkin in narrow terms
·   Objectkin: yes, indeed, people who identify with objects; often, this is an inanimate object in the form of a toy such as a doll (think Toy Story, Brave Little Toaster)
·   Otherkin: those who identify as various mythologicals; or, sometimes, an umbrella term
·   Plantkin/Phytanthrope: those who identify as a plant species
·   Spacekin: those who identify with bodies in space (e.g. suns, planets, moons, asteroids)
·   Therians: those who identify as animals in some form
·   Werebeasts: associated closely with therians and referring to people who can transform spiritually or sometimes physically into animals (werewolves, werebears, etc.)


Whew! To be brief, all of these variations of people who believe they are--in part or in whole--something other than human. This otherness can be emotional or psychological. Now, there are some alterkin--especially lycans--who say they can in some ways physically shift. Usually, this is not a complete transformation like you might see in The Twilight Saga or An American Werewolf in London, but instead a partial transformation. I have had some lycans tell me that their incisors get longer or they grow tails or more hair or pointy ears, that sort of thing.

Therians are one of the topics I discuss in The Furry Book: The Who, What, Where, When, Why and How of the Furry Fandom. In this excerpt, I explain that not only do therians shift but there are different kinds of shifting:

"Shifts can occur either on purpose, such as through meditation, lucid dreaming, or some other mental discipline, or involuntarily, such as when certain outside stimuli set off a shift. This can be things such as being surprised or shocked or upset by something, by finding oneself in an environment that inspires animal instincts (e.g., a camping trip in the wilderness or a trip to a zoo or animal sanctuary), or by being among other therians. Also, there is something called a 'vacillant' or 'suntherian,' which are therians who have more subtle shifts, rather than abrupt shifts, between human and nonhuman identities."

"Therians might shift into just one kind of animal or they might have multiple animal form possibilities (called polytherians). Some polytherians might shift into just a certain genus of species (cladtherians), such as any type of canid (wolf, dog, fox, coyote, African wild dog, etc.)."

"Finally, there are two types of non-shifting therians: simple nonshifters who do not experience any kind of mental, spiritual, or emotional shift but who still feel they have an animal spirit or soul within them, and contherians, who are constantly experience their animal form in one way or another."

At this point you may have noticed that in none of the above discussions do I once say that therians galavant around on all fours while wearing tails and ears. This phenomenon is quite recent, originating in Japan and inspired by an athlete named Kenichi Ito, who set a world record by running a 100-meter dash on hands and feet. As with many furry-related things, the influence of Japanese culture on the American fandom in particular is strong, and sometime in the 2000s, quadrobics became popular with young therians. Because it is fascinating to watch, especially when performed by a person wearing ears and tail, the media glomped onto it after various posts on TikTok and YouTube brought the sport to life. Consequently, many younger furries and therians are now enamored by the concept that a therian is someone who partakes in this four-legged practice.

Of course, this is incorrect. Quadrobics is not what being therian is about. Or alterkin, for that matter. Although some of the quadropists assert they do identify with animals in some way, I sense that most of them pursue the activity just for fun and to get noticed on social media.

As with furries, you have to beware of the gatekeepers. No, you don't need to do quadrobics to be a therian. No, you don't need to wear anything to be a therian. No, you don't even have to pick a single type of alterkin if you don't want to.

To be blunt, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and you don't have to listen to what anyone tells you to do (not even Papabear LOL; just take all my writing here with a grain of salt and do what you feel is right for you.)

Willow, I'm going to tell you what I tell many people who write to my column: You are not responsible for your community or what other people think of it or even how they define it. You are too young to get anxiety and heartburn because you are so concerned about how others think of therians.

Choose your own path. Let others choose theirs. If others don't like you or say mean things to you because they have created a mould that you refuse to be poured into, then that is their problem, not yours. If a bunch of quadrobists want to call themselves "therians," then even though you and I might disagree with that definition, who cares? They certainly don't. You know in your heart who you really are, and that puts you way ahead of others in this game of life, Willow. Some people don't figure out who they are until they are old and gray. Some people never figure it out. You sound like you got it down, and you're only 14!

For you, being a therian is "just there to make you feel comfortable in your own body." And you are correct. That is the definition that is right for you. Good job.

You are not "delusional" at all. And you are not confused. Where you have gone wrong is by making this a problem. It is not a problem, and it is especially not your problem.

Let others have their fun. Let them be. And, by the same account, don't let others bother you with their drama. Just say, "Hey, this is what I am, and this is what I enjoy. If you can't deal with who I am, not my problem. Have a nice day."

Blessed Be, Willow.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hi Papabear!

This is my first question I am going to ask you, and possibly more, but I’m only going under a fake name because I'm uncomfortable sharing my real name with someone I don’t know, but anyways, I wanted to ask this question:

How do I make more furry friends in my school, while trying to stay away from gossip and backlash around me?

Here is some context. I have been in the fandom since August of 2022 (by the time you answer this it may be my 2nd anniversary of being in the fandom!), but I’ve never been able to make any genuine friends in the fandom. I’m usually friends with them one day, but it’s never been long term.

Since I don’t have many friends online, I try to resort to in real life friends! However, there is one issue with this: I am a popular kid at school.

Now I know there is a lot of misinformation about furries online, and I do not want to ruin my reputation only to be hated by the people who used to support me throughout the years that I’ve been with them. I try to indirectly tell them that I am a furry, but I would hate for someone to tell that to someone else and make it spread.
I know of other furries in my school, but most people joke around and gossip about them. My closest friend (that I’ve been friends with for 9 years), does not really approve of furries and I think that he may not be fond of me if I told him the truth that I am a furry. The way I found this out was by wearing a furry avatar in roblox. I even asked him about it one day.

I know I’m kinda ranting about it (I’m sorry) but … sometimes I genuinely feel alone in the fandom. I’ve kept this a secret from pretty much everyone (except for a few people) and I just really want that one person who genuinely cares for me. One that will go to furry cons with me, not judge me, and maybe even have a happy life with them (boy or girl it doesn’t matter).

I just … I don’t know … I felt like someone that has been through a bit in the furry fandom could actually help me with this. If you can recommend anyone I could be friends with (if possible), please let me know.

Cheers! Sending you Mint ice cream your way!

Minty the Protogen (age 15, Louisiana)

* * *

Dear Minty,

First, consider why you are a furry. Are you a furry because you want to be popular? Or are you a furry because you love the furry arts and creative play of the fandom and you want to get into things like furry gaming, fursonas, writing stories, creating art, and enjoying furry fiction? If you are more concerned about your popularity at school than about being a furry, you should just forget about being a furry and continue being Mr. Popularity at your school. 

But know this: Most people who are friends with the popular person at school (or work, or church, or whatever) are only fair-weather friends who hover around you like flies over a summer picnic because it looks tasty, not because they are real friends. After you graduate, you'll never hear from them again. I have one true friend from those days named Todd, who has been my friend since the third grade and is STILL my friend 50 years later. THAT is a real friend.

A real friend will be your friend whether or not you are popular and whether or not you are a furry.

So, to answer your initial question: If you come out as furry in your school, the results will be predictable. You will likely be the new target of all the kids who hate furries and you can say bye bye to being the popular guy. 

Now, if you are truly bold, you could try and use your popularity to change people's views about furry. That is, use your cachet to make furry cool at school. Kind of like in Turning Red, where Mei's ability (or curse) to turn into a giant red panda becomes super cool at her school, with all the students lining up to take photos with her and buy her merch. I don't know if that is possible IRL, but wouldn't that be wonderful?

There are a lot of young furries out there who get into furry because they want to be outrageous and get noticed. In a lot of ways, furry is becoming more mainstream (the success of Zootopia and Turning Red are indicators of this). You could try to be the person at your school who turns things around and makes furry totally pawsome. But it would take a lot of work on your part, and you would have to pursue it fearlessly. Not sure what the social climate in Louisiana is, but if you are in or around New Orleans, I hear that is a pretty outrageous town. You could maybe take advantage of Mardi Gras celebrations to let your furry side out. (I don't mean go to Mardis Gras, just use it as a theme.)

It could go well, or it could backfire on you big time. Ask yourself if you're willing to take that risk. If not, play it safe and don't come out furry around your classmates.

Now, as to finding IRL furries to hang with, yeah, that can be a bit challenging. The best way is to first find nearby furries online and then try to hang with them at furmeets and furcons. How do you find local furries online? There are a couple of ways to do so. First off, I recommend downloading the Barq app on your phone. It's a social app that will show you right away which registered users are close to you. Next, go online and simply google "Louisiana Furries." I found this website https://sites.google.com/view/louisianafurs/home about Louisiana furs by doing that search.

​Interestingly, there were plans for a Bayou Furry Bash convention, but as of this time it seems it never quite got off the ground, sadly. There is also a Facebook group for Louisiana furries and FurAffinity. The FA account seems to be inactive for at least a year, and the FB account is minimally active. Rats.

Seems like the Louisiana furries have been struggling. I also searched the Meetup website and Telegram, but I found nothing there that was promising. There used to be a website called the Internet Furry Proximity Locator that could have proven useful to you, but I don't believe it has been maintained, nor do many furries even know about it, so that likely won't work.

If you were a little older, I would suggest you drive to Texas Furry Fiesta in San Antonio, which is not too too far from Louisiana and is an excellent con. But right now, that's not practical for you unless you can get your parents onboard.

It sounds to this bear like the state of Louisiana could really use a cool furry like you to get them organized. You're still a bit young, but before you know it, you'll be 16 and then 18, and you'll be able to do more stuff independently. You might consider forming your own furmeet group. (I wrote a short column about that which might help).

It can be tough to meet furries IRL in some locations in this country. Besides Barq, the best thing for you to do would be to simply join various furry groups on Facebook, Discord, Telegram etc. and ask around if anyone lives in your area. I would also suggest that you work on locating nearby furries first before you out yourself at school as a furry. That way, if things go south at school, you will hopefully have some furry friends locally to provide you some emotional support and hugs.

But, hey, before I forget, didn't you say you already knew some furries at school? But, apparently, you are not talking to them because they are not part of the cool crowd. Meanwhile, you fear your "closest friend" will reject you for being a furry. I ask you to pause a moment and consider why you are avoiding these furries and what might that say about you and your fear of ruining your "reputation." If you want a friend who "genuinely cares" about you and will hang out with you at furry events, approach the furries at your school.

In the end, you should pursue interests and friendships that suit you best. While everyone wants to feel love and support from their peers, this is less important than following your own path, creating your own identity rather than a persona that meets the approval of others. You are not put on Earth to fulfill the expectations of others and of our shallow and fake society. 

You are put on Earth to find yourself, explore the universe, and to grow as a person. If being a furry helps you with that, then gofurit.

Good Luck!
Papabear

Hi, Papabear,

It's been a while since I've written; I haven't since 2020. But you were the only advice column I could think of that I actually trust and have used in the past.

So, this is tricky and requires a little bit of backstory. Me and my current partner, Allie, met at our church, and we have a sorta secret relationship due to us being LGBTQ+. One of our friends, Liberty, knows. She's trustworthy, but she seems to think all secret relationships are the same: just a harmless relationship that people don't understand. And now because of her view on that, she (a 15-year-old) has gotten into a "secret" relationship with another friend, Malcom (19 years old). I'm guessing you can see the problem here.

She's very sweet, yet she lives in a sheltered house, where she doesn't know much other than what her parents tell her, so she has a very "people only ever have my best interest in mind" sort of deal going on. She's told me her relationship is legal and safe as long as nothing sexual happens between her and Malcom, but I'm honestly terrified for her safety.

I trust Malcom and I know he'd never hurt her, mainly because I've talked to him about this kind of stuff before when he expressed interest in her before they got together. But I'm so genuinely worried that something will happen. And I don't know if I can call them out for this being questionable, if not downright horrible, because I still love them both as friends and I know this would hurt them. But the other part in me has literally fought against predators online, and it makes me almost physically ill to see this happening between them.

I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that Malcom will use the power imbalance created by their age gap against Liberty. I trust him, but I'm worried that eventually my trust will prove to be misguided. This is also one of Liberty's first relationships that she's actually wanted to be in, and I don't want to take that away from her. But I need her to see the problems that come with the age gap.

What do I do?

Candy Bear

* * *

Dear Candy Bear,

Short answer is: do nothing. It's really none of your business to interfere in other people's relationships, so stop working under the assumption that it is.

Longer answer: Depending on which state you live in, the age of consent can range from 16 to 18 years of age. Your friend Liberty should be made aware that it would be against the law for any sexual concourse between her and Malcolm. Now, interestingly, if Malcolm were under 18, there are such things called "Romeo and Juliet Laws," which means that in some states, if both lovers are minors and both consent to sex and they are close in age (say, 16 and 17) it might not be considered breaking the law. However, that is not the case here. Be careful about assumptions, too. You might think that both Liberty and Malcolm are good folk who are telling the truth that no sex is going on (although the fact that you have doubts about Malcolm indicates you really do NOT trust him 100%), but let's face it: They are both at the "raging hormones" stage and may "accidentally" fall into mutual bodily concourse.

According to the law firm Schmidt and Clark, there are other things to beware of when it concerns an adult (Malcolm) and a minor (Liberty) that do not involve literal sex directly, including:

• Providing liquor to a minor
• Engaging in any acts considered "lewd" in your state (also includes doing something lewd where the minor can see, even if the minor is not directly involved, such as displaying one's genitals)
• Loitering on school grounds
• Solicitation (even if it doesn't result in sex)
• Simply annoying or molesting (e.g. inappropriate touching) a minor
• Possession of child porn

Any of these things could be considered breaking the law, and Malcolm could face charges if caught.

While I would not try to involve yourself much in their relationship, it might not be a bad idea to make your friends at least aware of these laws. You don't say which state you reside in, so I can't be more specific, so a little online research might help here. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse if you break the law, so being informed is important. 

Good Luck,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I need advice. When I was 16 or 17, I joined NSFW furry ERP [Erotic Role-Play] servers and I don’t know how long I can keep the lie up. I don’t know what to do, and I feel horrible for endangering the people in those servers who don’t know. I know I broke the rules and screwed up, but if I tell them, they’ll cut me out forever, and they’re actually very nice people who I’ve found solace with. The guilt is eating me alive. Please help.

Nanashi (age 19)

* * *

Dear Nanashi,

What you're asking Papabear is basically this: "How can I get away with being a liar and not face the consequences?" Now that you are over the age of 18 and permitted to go into NSFW websites, you are supposedly an "adult." Part of being an adult is taking consequences for your actions (this is why we have a 78-year-old candidate for president who is, IMHO, mentally still a child). 

Don't be like Trump. Suck it up, tell the truth, and take the consequences for your lie. If you apologize profusely, perhaps people will be okay with that and forgive you; perhaps not. But, you know, I am 100% positive you are not the only person who lied about your age to get on a NSFW site. That's kind of the problem with the internet. Porn is easily accessible to children who are unsupervised, and all they have to do is check a box to assert they are over 18 (if that). They might not have a credit card to use on pay sites, but there is no end to available porn for free. Also, IMHO, this is why I believe that furry adult sites such as FurAffinity, as well as nonfurry sites (X has tons of porn now, I hear [I left X when Twitter was bought]), should be pay sites to keep the porn away from kids.

You're feeling guilty because you know you did wrong. That's a good sign. It shows you have a conscience. As the Christians are fond of saying, "Confession is good for the soul." So, you have two choices: 1) Be an adult, tell the truth, and face the consequences like an adult; 2) Say nothing and hope no one notices and let the guilt turn into an ulcer (ever read Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart"?).

Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's a true answer.

Good Luck!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Over the past several years, I have made a good life for myself. I own my own house, my own car, I have a successful career as an electrical engineer for a prominent aerospace company. I am heavily involved in my local church. On my off time, I like to explore my creative hobbies. From the outside, I look like a very successful bachelor who has it all together, but I've been secretly struggling with an issue that has plagued me since I was 10, one that I could never ever admit to the people around me. I am secretly an infantilist (ABDL/babyfur etc.).

The TL;DR [too long, didn't read] is that I have an extreme fascination with basically anything that is "babyish" (diapers, pacifiers, baby bottles, etc.). I even have a small collection of ABDL-style diapers, pacifiers, onesies, stuffed animals, and baby bottles that I have hidden in my bedroom that I like to wear and play with on a regular basis. For some reason, I find the idea of being 2 years old again really comforting. It makes me feel safe and innocent and cute, and I often fantasize about another man taking care of me in that way. But even though I feel these things, whenever I "act out" in the privacy of my own home, I also feel equally very horrified and disturbed by it. I find myself regretting it and hating myself, sometimes crying and losing my cool over doing these things and having these feelings. What is worse is that very recently, I have noticed that whenever I'm in "Little Time" for too long, I start shaking and experiencing panic attacks, sometimes experiencing disturbing and hazy flashbacks to when I was 3 years old, and my mom pulling me out of daycare out of concern for my safety (I asked her some time ago about what happened there, but all she would tell me was that she thinks I may have been abused and just "wished she had found the evidence needed to sue them into oblivion").

I don't know who I can talk to about this. No one in my local circle of friends knows I'm into the ABDL thing (nor would any of them understand or want to understand what it is without being grossed out and disowning me). I confessed to a couple of friends in a furry Discord I'm in, and they have been compassionate and accepting, but I don't know them in person. As for others who are ABDL, I don't really interact with others in that community (outside of maybe a couple of babyfur meet & greets at some of the fur cons I've been to).

I just feel alone, living a double life with a weird attachment towards something that feels like it hurts me more than helps me. And I don't know what I should do about it, and no one to really talk to about it. I tried seeking psychological help for it, and while it has helped me get over the feelings of shame, it still hasn't changed my desires all that much. I still wear diapers and I still find myself clinging to these infantile desires, and I don't know what to do. Should I just accept this ABDL thing as just who I am, despite it hurting me and keeping me alone, or should I keep trying to free myself from it?

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for having the courage to write about this sensitive matter and your experience with ABDL (for any of my readers who don't know, ABDL = Adult Baby Diaper Lover).

It's important to first note that--similar to the confusion outsiders have with furries--this is not a sexual fetish. Rather, it is an outward expression of an inner emotional and psychological desire to return to a simpler time and also to feel cared for. It is a desire to destress from the complications of adult life. It is easy to see that you, as a very responsible person with a career and material successes, probably deal with a lot of stress from the burden of many adult responsibilities. In this way, ABDL shares something with many furries in that this practice is a way to forget about things like bills, taxes, work deadlines, rent, health care, politics, etc. etc. Now, ABDL should be distinguished from infantilism in that the latter is about fantasizing that one is a baby while ABDL can just mean that one indulges in wearing diapers and having other childish possessions such as plushies (another parallel here is plushophiles vs. ABDL; again, not the same thing), having a pacifier, wearing onesies, drinking from a baby bottle, etc. It sounds like you are both ABDL and some infantilism.

You find the above comforting because these things reduce your stress from the workaday world. Unfortunately for you, indulging in your little fantasy is bringing up an early trauma of being abused in a daycare facility. This is really sad that your one pressure valve to relieve stress can in and of itself cause stress because of what happened to you as a little kid! 

You say you sought help from a psychologist, but it didn't help much. I believe that is because you were focused on your feelings of shame about diapers. What you should have explored with the therapist was your childhood trauma. This is definitely something you need to confront and resolve. If, with the help of a trained counselor, you can overcome this trauma, it should cause the panic attacks to go away. It might even cause the ABDL to go away, too, if the desire to be an infant is an attempt by your inner psyche to erase the traumatic experience and replace it with a more comforting image of what your young childhood should have been.

But if the ABDL doesn't go away, that's fine, too. You really should seek out (again) a support system of some sort, though. You might try some babyfur groups within the furry community to start like this one. I also found this website called Tykables that is kind of interesting. It is a merchant that caters to the ABDL community, so it is, indeed, selling products, but it also has social websites at Facebook, X, and Instagram as well as a YouTube channel and newsletter.

Finally, because at least part of your attraction to ABDL may have something to do with the stress of adult life, I think it would be a good idea to explore other ways to relax. Exercise (swimming, jogging) are excellent, as well as meditation, yoga, nature hikes, biking, and so on. You might also spend more time exploring other facets of the furry community that are not about babyfurs, such as gaming, fursuiting, movies, cartoons, writing, and art.

So, in summary, I would recommend seeking a good therapist who specializes in childhood trauma; I would recommend finding some social support of like-minded people; and I would recommend finding other avenues for de-stressing yourself from work and daily life.

Bottom line, though, is that if you are not hurting anyone, you should not feel ashamed of things you like to do or wear or be. Definitely try to resolve your childhood trauma, but other than that, you're okay.

Bear Hugs!
Papabear