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submitted by ProfessorNope
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Hey Papabear,

I was wondering if I could get some relationship advice. Alas, I think I’ve fallen into the pitfall of online relationships. You see, I enjoy various types of role-play (RP), through which I’ve met many friends who I have friendly, but non-sexual (much of the RP is “baby-fur”) relationships with. I met a guy through a mutual friend about a month and a half ago, and this is where the relationship sort of started. After a few rounds of chatting and whatnot over two weeks or so, he asked if I liked him, and smitten, I replied yes. 

My issue now is that after a while, I’m not sure I still feel the “boyfriend-style” love for him. I mean, he’s a great guy and all, but he’s so busy with housework and helping his mother and grandmother around their property that I don’t feel he’s ever available, and when he is, it’s often in a state of such exhaustion that I don’t feel that real connection with him. Compounding this, I have issues with relationships, and am absolutely a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde character within them. I’m utterly afraid of being left, and when I feel like I’m not holding all the cards in the relationship, I assume what I mockingly call my “Christian Grey” persona (From the 50 Shades of Grey character), where I seek to sort of gain that power back through being a powerful dominant. But, doing this also rather pains be, because I tend to be naturally mild and submissive, and I don’t really like to have to be that cold and emotionally detached.

So really, my issue is that he’s not really all that available, and I’m not sure whether or not to just try and detach and “friend-zone” him again (cruel as that seems), go for a straight-up breakup (hypocritically, this bothers me a lot less if I’m the one initiating the break-up), or try and save the relationship. I mean, I really do want to try a committed relationship (my only prior experience was a one-time “friends with benefits” thing that ended after a bout of sex), but I want to get something out the relationship as well. I just don’t feel like I’m a priority for him, and when we talk, it’s sort of friendly small-talk, nothing really intimate. He wants to try the long-term thing, but when he’s not really there, it’s Fox-damned hard not to feel a bit neglected. He promises that he’ll be more available in a year once he heads out to Montana State University (MSU) in the summer (he’s a fellow H.S. senior), but it’s a long ways away and I already see myself with someone else if he’s going to be this unavailable for another year (can’t see him IRL, he’s in upstate main and I’m in Northern Virginia). 

I guess for me, absence doesn’t really make love fonder. Is there a course of action you’d suggest I take in this situation, or any relationship advice you might offer? My friends are rather unhelpful on this.

Much appreciated,
Kit Callaway (Age 17)

* * *

Dear Kit,

There’s a lot going on here, and you know Papabear’s position on the viability of LDRs. From what you’re saying, there’s not even a possibility of you two being together in the near future. While you can have a virtual relationship in terms of friendship, human beings need to have a physical component for any real mate-bonding to occur. Even without that, you say in the second paragraph that you “don’t feel that real connection with him,” so my question is: why are you obsessing about this in the first place? It’s a non-issue if you don’t feel your heart strings being tugged or pulled.

That aside, what I find more intriguing about your letter (and why I’m posting this on the website instead of just answering you via email) is your psychological approach to relationships in general: your Jekyll vs. Hyde personality, as you call it. You describe yourself as generally meek and mild, but with abandonment issues. Without knowing anything about your parents, Papabear wonders if you come from a broken home or have lost parents to death or, another possibility, if you were adopted. Any of these would create understandable feelings of insecurity. Thus, when you feel a relationship is at risk you become defensive, like a cornered cat—afraid, neck fur bristling, but appearing aggressive with fangs and claws bared. Sound like you?

Therefore, going back to my earlier question as to why you are obsessing about this guy, the answer might be that you feel uncomfortable with any breakup, even if it is with a person you don’t even love that much who lives far away.

Your LDR “boyfriend” is, then, truly irrelevant to your problem (a symptom of a larger issue), though Papabear suggests you stop obsessing about him and find someone local. Downgrade him from BF to F status, but do it kindly. Your focus should instead be on how to get over your relationship insecurities, or else you will likely repeat the experience you are currently undergoing.

Why are you so insecure? Figure that out, and then you can go to the next step of unloading your emotional baggage. And, finally, when you dump that baggage you can forge ahead with confidence into new and healthier relationships.

Please feel free to write again if you wish to discuss this further.

Wishing You Love and Health,

Papabear

* * *

Since you offered to discuss this further, here's the events in my life I feel relevant to this issue. If you have any questions or desire any additional information (privacy is not an issue), please feel free to shoot me another email. 

Best Wishes,
Kit

Note: This is a candid account of  the relevant portions of my life, and as such, contains some triggering content and frank discussions of mild sexuality (a fetish)

Dear Papabear,

Your description of me as “a cornered cat—afraid, neck fur bristling, but appearing aggressive with fangs and claws bared” is pretty spot on. A bit of my personal history might be helpful in explaining this dynamic, so forgive me if I’m a bit long-winded. I do have a rather large amount of emotional baggage.

I’ve grown up solidly upper middle class, living in a single-family home in the suburbs, two BMWs in the driveway, all the games and amusements my heart desired.. “The American Dream” and all that. A mother and a father, many friends, high marks in school, everything a guy could want. So not a broken home. I’d say more a home that lacked love.

I don’t have many memories of my childhood. From my (limited) recollections and what’s been told to me over the years, I had little contact with my parents as a young child (0-6 years old). My Mother worked extremely long hours (~80 per week), so I rarely saw her (I mean literally on Saturday, once a week-if that). My Father was an alcoholic, the type that would pass out on the couch after making me dinner. So I really never had a strong bond with either of my parents. My Father overcome his alcoholism in time for my Mother to depart for a one-year tour in Iraq (2003) with her organization, but with my Father’s “hearty” meals, I soon became rather heavy (to the point where I now weigh less than I did in third grade). From this, I developed a rather unhealthy self-consciousness of my weight, as well as an emotional distance to my Mother I’ve never overcome.

During Elementary School, I had few friends, aside from my current best-friend due to shyness stemming partly from my weight and partly from a minor lisp. I found solace and comfort in books, especially “Artemis Fowl” by Eoin Collier. The character of Artemis held great appeal for me, especially his complete and utter unwillingness to depend on anyone, for anything, and to use people for what he needed them for, and nothing more (I disregarded his change of heart in latter novels). At that point (fourth grade), I developed a deep depression which I hid well from my parents (along with mild-self harm tendencies, scratching, head-banging, etc.), and I would console myself by stating (I’ve forgotten the exact wording) something along the lines of “my parents don’t love me. No one loves me. I’m just using them for the things they buy me.” So for the longest time I was an island, a rock alone, invincible. From this came my “Christian Grey” persona, the man that doesn’t need love, because he has all the money and power in the world to fill that hole.

However, this persona is also balanced out by another side of me which developed a bit later, during Middle School. As my sexuality emerged, I developed a rather strong diaper fetish (not exclusive, I’m bisexual, but still quite strong). From this, I gradually developed a fascination with regression fantasies and being babied (I would consider myself a “lifestyle AB” to some extent). So the counterbalance to the rock hardness of the other persona is the persona of the two-ish year old arctic fox kit (hence the pseudonym).. (Note: this is not DID by any stretch, simply varying states of mind). So he’s sort of around to “fill-the-hole” I guess, since I honestly do not remember every enjoying being a kid-I was always the calm, adult outsider.

As best as I can tell from talk-therapy (which I do with a Licensed Clinical Psychologist), most of my security results with never having had a really secure relationship with anyone up until High School. My Mother had once admitted she regretted not having more children (I’m an only child), so I relentlessly strove for excellence. I tried to become the guy everyone envied in order to get love, except...I still feel a deep emptiness. I have abandonment issues primarily because I’ve never felt that anyone loved me for who I am, only what I’ve done and the stuff I have. I’m ordinarily quite passive, but I can’t stand having relationships “break up.” It’s not a rational thing. Simply put, I’m “successful” and conventionally attractive enough that I could probably get a warm body in my bed if I felt so inclined. But...I want more out of relationships, but I’m afraid of appearing vulnerable and admitting weakness because I fear that I’m not good enough. I’ll...never be good enough. I never feel secure enough to invest emotionally with anyone, because I’m so afraid of getting burned. Instead, I just don a mask, being whatever they want, instead of being me. My two personas are the physical manifestation of this, and who I am, genuinely, is somewhere in between.  That’s perhaps the root of my insecurity, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Best Regards,

Kit Callaway

* * *
Hi, Kit,

This all makes perfect sense to me. Abandonment doesn't always have to be physical. You were emotionally and psychologically abandoned by both parents. That kind of hole in your childhood will leave life-long marks on your personality because it is during childhood that we learn (preferably from parents and other family) what love and nurturing are, and money and things and status do not fill that hole.

It also explains your interest in baby furs. You want to return to childhood, but not the childhood you had; rather, a real childhood in a nurturing environment. In other words, "if I could wave a magic wand and do it again, I would go back to childhood and have it done right."

What you need to do is find an "abandonment recovery" strategy. If you search on that term, you will find some websites you can research. There are also books such as The Emotionally Absent Mother and Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery that can really be helpful to you.

I suggest you explore some of these and see if they help. 

Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Hey,

I appreciate the advice. Perhaps one of these sites will have what I'm looking for.

All the best,
Kit

submitted by CaryDaWolf
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submitted by Dehklen
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submitted by Stratozero
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… A moment of pure weirdness from China by the awesome Wang Rong Rollin.

 

 

Here’s links, headlines and little bites of news to make your tail wag.  Story tips are always welcome. ________________________________ Around Furry Fandom ________________________________ Fagcon’s Draconis / Calamity Cougar recovering from heart attack suffered shortly after the con. Shortly before Fangcon, Draconis submitted a tip for my article about it.  It was a shock to hear bad news […]

submitted by SketchPony
[link] [8 comments]

Well ok, I've been here for a while but I thought I should introduce myself (probably out of bordem thought).

So, I'm 18 years old, a photographer, car enthusiast, fursuiter, art whore and an ex IT tech living in Perth, Western Australia.

I spend most of my time at home applying for jobs at the moment, so plenty of time to browse reddit and chat to anyone if you want to.

I do an insane amount of travel, been to the USA and nearly every Australia state this year alone and plan on moving to Melbourne within the next 12 months.

I spend most of my time hanging out with the local furs (Which is actually a huge amount considering how small Perth is) or doing photography around wherever.

If you wanna chat PM me for skype

You can find me on FA: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/animosus5/ And flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/97059945@N02/

Other stuff: My character: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14587370 My fursuit: http://i.imgur.com/zCo1ffh.jpg

submitted by Animosus5
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submitted by Fedoraus
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submitted by StubbornClaws
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The second gaming night so far in our Extra Life Charity Campaign! This time with video games! WE BEAT LAST YEAR! More than $1,600 raised, it was a great night! Check out our Extra Life Campaign page!

Last but not least, thank you to everyone. You are such amazing fans. <3

Download MP3

Part One:

Watch Video

Part Two:

Watch Video FC-184X FurCast Extra Life Charity Gaming 2014 Night – 2 - The second gaming night so far in our Extra Life Charity Campaign! This time with video games! :D WE BEAT LAST YEAR!

submitted by septango1
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submitted by Rizzanwinterblade
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So lately i've seen many great furry art. sometimes i try to draw, then i realized i draw like shit. Is there anyone who would be kind enough to help me? im trying to use my minecraft as a template. If anyone wants to help, ill can send you the skin. Thanks for reading, i hope this isnt asking for too much. Have a good day! EDIT: my fursona is a wolf

submitted by Marcadude
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submitted by NyteFlower
[link] [7 comments]

TL;DR in summary, a known hacker has been put in the tech staff of FA, known for installing backdoors and stealing user data from multiple projects he's made / worked on. The post details these events and some other things about current problems in FA.

EDIT : http://i.imgur.com/gulMdlu.jpg I made this last night and posted it around, I don't like it but it may be easier to read?

EDIT 2 : Do you have questions you'd like to ask but don't want to get lost in the comments here? My personal skype is Rowedahelicon and I'll answer anything you need regarding this topic, I welcome those who oppose as I may be able to help shed some light.

Hello, I'm writing to this board today in regards to a series of problems that have been going on over the last few months involving Furaffinity and its management.

I'm going to detail a lot of facts here, and it's very important that each part is read. Before I start, let me assure you I am not trying to get anyone to leave Furaffinity, nor am I trying to start drama. I am speaking to you as a concerned individual and I insist you hear me out. That being said, let us begin.

Furaffinity has had a history of problems regarding management, technical issues, and an equal history of those trying to fix them only to give up or fail for some reason or another, either drama ensued or they weren't accepted.

A month ago, a massive DDOS took place on Furaffinity that lasted for a few days. Hours before it began, a gofundme was started (But not announced) asking for 25K USD in donations. During the events of the DDOS, Dragoneer had stated the Gofundme being made on the same day was simply a coincidence and that it was meant to be posted later for more news regarding Project Phoenix.

https://twitter.com/WilliamcaFox/status/523234904629604352 (Williamca announces that the Gofundme was made before the DDOS started)

https://twitter.com/WilliamcaFox/status/523233079616610304 (Williamca gets confirmation of the time it started.)

http://www.reddit.com/r/furry/comments/2jk5mv/breaking_furaffinity_fundraiser_page_created/clcj66p (Dragoneer writes here)

that the"Chase and Sciggles had convinced me to hold off and wait for Phoenix's launch (and I agreed to that).

==

Another thing of interest, if the money isn't related to the DDOS at all, but is instead needed to help out the site, why is some of it promised to Sofurry?

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/523204272016486400

"And yes, I'll help out SoFurry. Why? They don't deserve this. Nobody does. We're a fucking community. We will stand as one, god damn it."

But why doesn't Weasyl, Inkbunny, or E621 get any? They were also hit by the DDOS.

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/523237412420734976

But it makes sense considering Dragoneer seems to have a good fascination with Sofurry https://twitter.com/search?q=%40dragoneer%20sofurry&src=typd

**https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/11762820267 "Seriously. If you don't like FA... go to SoFurry and Furocity. They're run by good people. Nobody holds you to one site."

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/7075165344 "Yiffstar has emerged from its cocoon, and #sofurry (www.sofurry.com) is now live. Congrats, @toumal! GO FEESH!"

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/523299757050310656 "Fa's back up, but SoFurry's still down. Go give @toumal some motivational cheer. I know the pain he's going through. Fish needs love!"

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/375619925395513344 "Don't hate SoFurry. Hate the mod who mis-spoke, not the site. Toumal is good guy who has my respect. Mistakes happen."

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/356254939724517376 "@boko6565 I'm completely willing to partner and assist other communities to better the ENTIRE community - be it FA, SoFurry, cons, etc."**

==

Moving on, what's next?

A few days ago, a journal post is made mentioning that there is a new tech lead, Starrykitty!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6265766

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/starrykitten

The most important part of this journal is this quote "starrykitten is joining the Dev/Ops team to help us better organize our tech efforts, improve site performance, answer tech/bug-related tickets and bring more transparency to what we're doing (all good stuff that's sorely overdue)."

Transparency

So let's start with Starrykitty himself, who is it? Well originally the account was made just a few days prior so right off the bat things aren't looking so good. Until someone discovers it's a user by the name of Zidonuke >http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Zidonuke

Need proof? He comfirms it here : http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6265766#cid:43154957

Who is Zidonuke?

"Zidonuke was a coder and administrator on F-List, but was banned in February 2011 after spying on users through the use of a TCP dumper.[12] Once discovered, he gave all users administrator access, removed bans, and published the site's code online. F-List Administration spent 5 days restoring the site entirely from backups.[13][14]"

https://www.f-list.net/newspost/158/

Zidonuke has a history of conflicting hacking exploits that has garnered him some problems and distrust with projects and people he has worked with,[7][8][9] such as Pokémon World Online[4][10][11] and Second Life, were he was banned by Linden Labs after reporting and exploiting various security issues with Vivox,[citation needed] a voice service in use by Second Life.

http://pastebin.com/6B8qmdAS

http://www.reddit.com/r/starbound/comments/1uueka/the_starrybound_mod_has_been_pulled_from_our/

http://www.terrariaonline.com/threads/if-youre-using-tmod-or-know-someone-who-is-read-this-immediately.34616/

http://s667.photobucket.com/user/beansta2k7/media/Untitled-1.png.html

http://pwo-wiki.info/index.php?title=Pok%C3%A9mon_World_Online (On July 18th, 2011, a newly appointed PWO developer, Zidonuke (promoted July 14, 2011), deleted PWO's data and server-side coding. The issue began when he became frustrated with criticism from the community through the IRC, and attempted to delete the channel. He also attempted to enforce a rule that prohibited staff from joining the channel lest they be banned from all facets of PWO. [1] However, due to great opposition from the community, he revoked his actions. As consequence to his behavior, he was banned from the chat room. However, he continued to communicate with the channel through other means, even though it was unwanted by most of the channel users. This constant, negative communication continued to put a strain between Zidonuke and the community.}

So in a post about transparency, they fail to mention that they've put a known hacker with a history of problems in the tech lead for FA. Dragoneer has yet to comment, but what does Starry say?

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6265766#cid:43155642

"Dragoneer was my next door neighbor and is my co-worker. We interact daily. I have absolutely 0 chance of performing abuse to this website. He was well aware of my history and who I was a long time ago. I've actually been a hidden admin on the FA staff for over a year now. Take it all you want people, but really I'm not wasting my time with you all since you are all pretty openly anti-FA even before I came about."

I've actually been a hidden admin on the FA staff for over a year now.

And also, >you are all pretty openly anti-FA

Except the comments in the journal reflect people asking questions rather than being "Anti FA", wanted to get an answer is not the same outright being against something.

So while you're probably siding with some comments saying this time will be different and people can change, might I direct you to some screenshots from last night.

http://i.imgur.com/GYpj1iY.png (Starry claims to have stopped but is seen logged in just days ago) Via http://www.hackforums.net/ (You need an account to read it)

http://i.imgur.com/zGqREob.png (Starry watched some of the people who openly talked problems with him in the journal last night, as of today he's unwatched them all.)

http://i.imgur.com/Jc5ZvH1.png (A short while after the comments began, they all vanished and where hidden.)

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2nGQuoIUAARgJ6.jpg (The reason for the missing comments and the suddenly lack of comment power was due to "performance issues"

However as of right now https://trello.com/c/TvkK2Zim/72-fender-journal-comments-were-causing-performance-issues-and-had-to-be-disabled the entire card is now gone but in the history you will see

StarryKitten deleted card #72 from Completed.

today at 1:28 pm

http://i.imgur.com/4dNYqcI.png (These are the names that were being watched by Starry until earlier this afternoon.)

==

As of right now, the journal comments have been restored for your viewing proof which is why I directly linked to all of them from here, should it go down again, you can see a backed up version here : https://aldude999.net/cache/starrykitten.html

==

Even more!

Remember the hardware donation drive back in Feb of last year, the servers they desperately needed and bought with donated money, do you know where they are?

https://trello.com/c/a9KTMfJd/38-enable-master-slave-replication-from-finn-jake

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6265766#cid:43149631

It's never even been activated, good use of your money right?

==

And while we're looking into things in progress, how is Phoenix doing anyway? https://github.com/FurAffinity/phoenix/graphs/commit-activity

Well, getting somewhere I suppose.

==

So why is all of this important? Let me go down all that for you.

1. Furaffinity is a free website, if you don't like why don't you go elsewhere and leave these people alone?

Well, I already have, I've been using Weasyl myself since before the Ddos, this isn't about me, what about all the artists you care about? Who need FA to make a living and sell their art? Are you going to tell them to leave? FurAffinity has almost twice as many active users compared to weasyl's active users. You can see this at the bottom of each of their home pages. Almost any time someone leaves FA, they have to come back because not a lot of people follow them to the alternative website, whatever that may be.

For comparison status FA : 13468 Users online — 2153 guests and 11315 registered Weasyl : 1102 users active in the last hour; 7346 users active in the last day. Inkbunny : 254,619 Total Members ; 1,992 Active Members in the last Hour ; 18,354 Active Members in the last Day SoFurry : 367,072 Users (Times were from 8:30 PM Eastern Time)

FA is important, it's badly programmed and run but it serves as the main hub for a lot of communication and artwork. It serves a purpose and is relied in by a lot of people as their source of income. Do you think I'm kind of exaggerating that?

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/523206121926848512 Dragoneer doesn't think so.

https://twitter.com/Dragoneer/status/523207500611325953 Dragoneer thinks it can be bigger.

2. Well maybe this new guy won't be so bad?

If you look above at how Starry handled people finding out about his secret, you will understand that his reaction to suddenly remove all the posts and watch all the people against him is a precursor to worse things to come.

He should have known that someone with a history like his would have gotten a response like what the community gave him last night. He should know better than to immediately try and silence everyone concerned for their website. What he did isn't right and anyone should be able to understand that.

3. Well what harm can Starry do?

-He's been caught spying on people before. -He caused F-List 5 days of downtime in order for them to undo all of the damage he caused. -He deleted all of the data and accounts from an online game because he was tired of dealing with the community. "I'm sick of you all. I'm dropping the database and deleted the backups" - http://s667.photobucket.com/user/beansta2k7/media/Untitled-1.png.html

Again, I am not trying to rally forth a hate mob, or get anyone upset, but I am asking you all to really read and understand what is happening here and what is at stake should things keep up like this. There are so many events that have taken place on FA that people just accept and forget about because as long as the site works, it's not their problem.

But these things keep getting worse, and nothing is being done to fix these problems. I dare say with the addition to Zinoduke, the risk is much higher than before. The site is still slow, the hardware they bought with your donations is being wasted, money is going places that it shouldn't be, and a community of hard working, readily available people are being ignored in favor of friends of Dragoneer, even when they continue to show they cannot be trusted.

I, like a lot of people here, I'm sure, don't want to see FA die. I do have my own problems with it, but there is only so much I can do on my own. As a community, I think we could really make something happen.

submitted by rowedahelicon
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submitted by WolfRun24
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TigerTails Radio Season 8 Episode 35
The latest episode of TigerTails Radio. For previous episodes, visit http://www.tigertailsradio.co.uk From: TigerTails Radio Views: 22 1 ratings Time: 02:32:11 More in People & Blogs

submitted by tittysmuggler
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