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Dear Papa Bear, 

I have to say that finding your advice column may prove to be a great boon for me.

My current problem is actually several problems compounding into one. I’ll begin with my accident in November; it left me with some nerve damage in my left shoulder and hand as well as a spinal injury. Jumping ahead a couple months, on the night of January 5th, I woke up to find my mother dead on the kitchen floor. Since then it’s just been me left to deal with all of the fallout: I made the arrangements for the wake and funeral without any help from my aunt (her sister). My aunt spent my mother’s wake complaining about me inheriting everything to anyone who would listen.

After the funeral my aunt got into my mother’s safe deposit box and pulled everything from it including a copy of her trust. My mother had named my aunt as her successor trustee and set up the trust in such a way so that it could care for me and the house. Now my aunt has been extremely reluctant to work with me and has since hired an attorney for the trust however this attorney is looking out for his and her pocketbooks rather than the trust and my wellbeing. They call me uncooperative when in reality it’s my aunt who is unwilling to cooperate. She says that I’m constantly partying and should instead be looking for work however the extent of me partying comes down to one birthday party thrown for myself and attending Fur Squared. As far as job hunting is concerned there is not much that I’m allowed to do with my current injuries and my doctor has even chewed me out for doing basic house chores (ie: garbage, vacuuming, etc.).

Following a call in which the attorney that my aunt had hired decided to yell at and insult me, a few days ago I received a letter from him which was further insulting and unprofessional. Although in that letter he stated that both he and my aunt are getting paid for their services from the trust, this is important because in the trust it very specifically states that an individual trustee cannot take payment for their services. Furthermore in this line of issues the aforementioned attorney has claimed that bills including but not limited to the utilities for the house, food, and insurance are “estate debts” and as such are my sole responsibility and that the trust would not pay for them. However, he also claimed that the mortgage payment and property taxes are issues of the trust and will be paid from it, yet this month my aunt failed to make the mortgage payment.

Meanwhile, I’ve got two overdrawn checking accounts and no more food in my attempt to keep my house afloat. I don’t have a support network to lean on aside from people whom offer to “talk if I need to” which is nice but not what I need. I realize that I have forgotten to give my age, I’m 22 years old as of last month and despite my usual ability to be the adult of most situations I find that I am far from equipped to deal with even a quarter of what is now on my plate. Neither my father nor any other relatives are willing to help me in any way and I’m drowning in a sea of confusion, grief and unknowing. I honestly don’t know what to do and don’t know if I can continue to go through this alone but one thing I know for sure is that if this continues the way that it has been I will be homeless before the year is over.

I apologize for the massive block of text but I’m not of the mind to attempt to better separate things at the moment. I humbly ask for any advice you can pass on to me in the hopes that it can help.

Starving and worried

* * *

Dear Starving,

My condolensces for your loss, hon. At 22, you are of legal age, so you do not need someone else to administer the trust, but I guess that's what your mother did. I would very must like to have a look at the legal documents and see what they say exactly.

Because I can’t do that and because I am not an attorney, I would strongly recommend that you seek out legal counsel. Many lawyers will take a case for no advance payment (on contingency) if they feel they can win the case (and there's money in it for them). You definitely need a lawyer on your side. Your aunt is being a conniving so-and-so who is trying to wrest power and whatever money she can from you. Again, you are an adult and it is none of her business what you do with money that is legally yours, especially since she is not your legal guardian or spouse. (Is there some reason your mother made your aunt trustee and not you, the beneficiary?)

You need to get a copy of the will and the trust. (I hope you can get those). And find a local attorney. If you don’t know one, ask people you know whom they might recommend. If that doesn’t work, you can try a site like http://www.legalmatch.com/. Go to the Estate section and click on the for Contested Wills and Probate and answer the questions they have there. This will hopefully give you some leads you need.

My understanding of the law is that, generally speaking, if there is no will, the spouse of the deceased inherits the estate. You don’t mention your father or other siblings, so if you are the only living child, you would get the estate. If you were deceased, your aunt would probably be next in line, hmmmm. Anyway, it sounds like your mother did leave a will and left you with everything. Your aunt should have absolutely no legal standing in this issue—again, you are not a minor and she has no rights over you. All she has been asked to do is administer the trust.

Again, this is a legal matter and I’m no attorney. Get yourself some representation!

Good luck!

Papabear

My drinking buddy has hit the hay already and I'm just looking for some people to take to =.=.

submitted by SilverCinders
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I'd love to get a feel for the reddit furry demographic, I know the fandom is mostly populated by 18-30 year olds but I'd love to see how old you guys are.

It'd also be a bonus to see if there are any younger furries that can relate with me about not being able to go to cons :C

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Here is a new track from Boys Noize. The animation is rather awesome.

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I'm starting a new Skype chat, if you'd want to join. Add me, code.blue.tawes, on Skype and I'll add ya.

I'd like some input on this, as i've never started a skype group o3o

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I know I just made a long winded post about drama in my newly formed fur life, but, alas, I find the need again for help in a new problem in my oil-and-water drama-filled life.

I know the idea of "coming out" to you guys is ridiculous (I agree, this isn't a sexuality, for goodness sake). But, for me, it became an issue. I kept my furriness under a rug for a little, hiding it from my father. The rest of my family was cool with the whole furry thing, I didn't talk about it all that much about it. However, I knew that my dad wouldn't be happy, so I kept it hush-hush.

That was, until today.

It was bad, worse even, then I had imagined. At first, he was chill about it. All he said was "okay". Then, it slowly exploded. He started with "It's weird", but then our "fight" came. I'm using quotes because I never got a chance to really talk. He said that it was a way to alienate people from me, that it's simply a bad fringe activity, to the fact that he ran into two cons traveling around and that they're mean to outsiders. (We live next to Pittsburgh, so this isn't counting the probably numerous times he's bumped into AnthroCon). Then he went through numerous activities that are "better uses of my time" compared to furry. He told me to throw my collar away (I haven't, I simply can't) and be normal. His biggest argument is that my secret-keeping drove a wedge between him and his wife, because she knew something he didn't. The worst part for me is that the rest of my family who was okay with my furriness now hates them too.

So, I'm sure this has happened to some of you to some degree, where do I go from here? I can't argue, I've tried, it turns into once-siders where I can never talk. Do I drift back into the "closet" (Yeah, I know, ridiculous) and act like I hate them now? That'd be lying though, I hate lying.

Sorry for what may seem like spam. You guys are nicer than any other subreddit community I've known, and I have no idea where else to post this.

One thing is for sure though, I'm not giving up furry any time soon. This is the best thing that's happened to me in a while. Thanks for always being supportive.

UPDATE: For those who are interested, not EVERYONE turned against me as I thought. Thanks for the kind words. I hope to sort this out soon.

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Is there a list/site of the up coming cons? I'm thinking I would like to go to one but have no idea where or when they are going on. Also, are they generally full on furry cons or more of a lets meet as a group at a comic/nerd/whatever con?

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Hello you welcoming, awesome new kin, I'm that random guy who turned up talking about coming from a cynical background, making a stupidly formal entrance into life as a furry.
Lots of people took an interest in a self-decided research project into furries and bronies, not just yesterday, but also in general on Reddit and the real world.

Before I release it (it will be a folder of widely-readable files, not a single PDF document. It will be short and look scruffy but it's the best balance of ease, length and file size) I am doing a final page added in, where I will answer any questions and curiosities put below based on my task, myself, and my opinions.
Thanks for reading, and I'll be back with a link for free instant download tomorrow!

Also, for those interested, I got my notes cleared up and have started rough designs on my fursona.

submitted by JP193
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Hi Papabear,

I've been reading a few of the letters here for awhile, hoping to find something that might be similar to my issue, but nothing seems really to be close to the case. Hopefully this won't seem like a laundry list of problems, as you say, as it all ties into one thing.

Recently, I've been feeling really depressed, and burnt out. I haven't really had the will to do much of anything, even play video games (which for me is a huge thing). Anyway, I used to be part of this group of friends online, and all of a sudden they all seem to slowly be avoiding me. At first I thought it was because I was being too flirty with my boyfriend, since our relationship is still new and it made me happy, however that doesn't seem to be the case. 

After struggling to get a reply, I was told that it was because I was too negative of a person and it was pushing everyone away. I now feel even worse because I never meant to be negative at all and I never wanted to push anyone away. It feels at this point that my boyfriend is the only one who'll really talk to me and I feel really lonely. My mood's taken a huge dive and I've even considered self harm a couple times, though I've never gone through with it. 

I just wish I knew how I could fix things with everyone and set everything right. I miss talking to my friends and contrary to the saying, this snow leopard wants to change his spots.

Thanks for listening in advance,

Vemus (age 22)

* * *

Dear Vemus,

What you’re experiencing is very human. The human condition demands contact with our fellow beings, and without that we do, indeed, become very depressed. This is why I consider solitary confinement a cruel and unusual punishment that should be against the law. But I digress.

What you need is to make a fresh start (change your spots, as you say). And to regain the trust and friendship of your peers, you’re going to need to go an extra mile. I am not judging you on what may or may not have been your previous behavior, but if you’re losing a lot of friends who seem to hold a consensus as to why they have abandoned you, then that’s a pretty good indication that you were doing something, however unintentionally, to evoke that response.

My suggestion to you is this: It’s too easy to type an email or post on a furry social site that you are sorry and want your friends back. They need to see a little effort on your part. Go out to your local dollar store and buy a bunch of greeting cards. They can be “I’m Sorry” cards, or you can buy blank cards and put it in your own words. Write each and every one of the people you care about a hand-written note. Tell them (as I understand it) that you didn’t realize you were being so negative. That you value their friendships and you are making a sincere effort to be a more upbeat and positive person.

In the cards, include invitations to those friends who you feel are close enough to come to your place for a party. Do not make it potluck! Ack! Provide a nice spread and something entertaining to do together, such as playing D&D or video games together. For those who are farther away who can’t make such a party, do something special for them. Perhaps a small gift in the mail that says they are special to you.

This doesn’t always work (depends on the person), but for those who have a good heart it should help a lot. Follow up this initial gesture of good will by working to make yourself a more positive person. Post positive, life-affirming comments on FurAffinity, Facebook, etc. Now, this isn’t about being fake and insincere; it is actually both therapy for you and a way to show your friends you are making a new start. It is the former because studies show that if we start saying and doing positive things in our life, it actually does have an effect on our perspective and makes us more positive people. In addition to acting and saying positive things, do your best to surround yourself with positive things and people.

I have a dear friend named Motoko who is such a person. No matter what happens to her, she always turns it into a positive. For instance, a while ago she started falling (she’s an elderly woman) and realized she could no longer take care of herself in her own home, so she moved to a senior center. Now, many people would be depressed by this, but not Motoko. She gave her home to one of her children, seeing that as a huge positive, and saw the senior home as an opportunity to make new friends, which she has in droves.

Like her, you should seek to see the positive in all things (something the bear is at times neglectful of doing, I fear, but when I follow my own advice I do feel better).

The other thing you can do that can help is diet and exercise. Studies have shown that eating healthier foods like fresh fruits and veggies can lift your mood. A diet rich in Omega-3’s and probiotic foods (e.g., salmon and yogurt) is excellent for you, and exercise will make you feel better. When we feel physically better, this also has a strong effect on our mood!

So, really, we are talking here of a two-punch strategy: 1) making amends with your furiends in a way that you put some effort into it to show you mean it; and 2) do things to actually improve your mood and perspective on life.

Putting those together should help a lot. You probably won’t regain all your friends at once, but I would be surprised if you didn’t mend any fences. It might be a slow process, but you can do it! Remember, think positive!

Hugs,

Papabear

So I got into early access for elder scrolls online and my partner and I have stated a somewhat successful guild for which he is the gm. I was wondering if anyone here was interested in a furry guild. I've already made it and I am willing to gm it if it takes off. The guild is Furries of Tamriel. Plans are just to have a nice furry friendly pace to talk and get to know other furs while playing. Not to focused on game content but more then welcome to it. If anyone is interested let me know pm for invites. I really would like this to work especially since I have a start day on day one. I'm resistant to advertise in game to lose people in the guild we have now, we ask know how some people can be. You don't need a kajhit or an argonian or even be a fur for that matter, just an open mind.

TL:DR

Furry Guild for elder scrolls online please join.

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