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Dear Papa Bear:

I was wondering if you had any advice for a furry such as myself who made some major mistakes that ended up in the loss of my mate.

I dearly love him, and we still remain friends after what had happened.

But about a year or two ago, I let my insecurities get the best of me and started a lot of fights over him constantly on his computer. I really went into a downward spiral that led to us breaking up.

I felt that him being online all the time, due to my insecurities and the growing lack of attention we were giving each other, was becoming a real threat to our relationship. I began a plethora of fights over this, even threatening to leave him over it all, when I just wanted to be with him.

I know what I did was stupid, insulting, disrespectful, and wrong. Yet, I still love him dearly and wish we could work things out and maybe end up back together eventually.

Papa Bear, I know I should have handled things differently. Now I just need to know what I should do to try to make things right between us because I really do love him and want to be with him.

Drako Tags (age 29)

* * *

Hi, Drako,

First question: have you done anything to work on improving your self-esteem?

Papabear

* * *

I have begun taking steps to work on my own self-esteem. Thankfully that was eased by me having roommates that were doing things I could not accept.  So part of that was taking steps to remove those things from my house.

* * *

Hmm, interesting comment, but I’ll let it lay, although I’m wondering if “those things” involved something illicit. At any rate, good, work on that self-esteem, most definitely, because that was the trigger that led to everything spiraling out of control between you and your mate. Things are damaged right now, so in order for you to repair them—assuming he is still interested—you’ll need to show him that you have changed.

Other than lack of personal hygiene, there are few things less attractive in a partner than someone with low self-esteem because when that person doesn’t even like him- or herself, it makes one wonder why you should like them. Work on making yourself someone he’d want to be with.

I’m not sure how damaged this relationship is, but, no matter the degree, you’ll need to ease back into it slowly. Don’t just say, “Hey, let’s get back together and everything will be like it was when we were doing great again.” Approach it, instead, as if it were a brand new relationship. Go on some dates (no sex for a while; that will just complicate things) and get to know each other again. Then go from there.

If things go well, then remember that, even when couples get along, arguments are inevitable, so learn how to “fight fairly.” I wrote an article about this last October that you might want to check out (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/learning-to-fight-fairly-is-important-in-any-relationship).

All of this should not be just one-way (although it sounds like you were the bigger offender of the two); he needs to also pay a bit more attention to you and not be mesmerized by the computer screen all the time. Remember, the reason for being together is to ... be together. Spend time doing fun things together—ideally, leaving cell phones and games at home (can the young people of today bear it?) and actually talk to each other while you are eating out, or going to an amusement park, or the beach, or whatever. You and he both need to do this. Make an agreement with him that you will be less of a needy nagger if he will spend less time on the computer and more time with you.

Good luck! Here’s hoping it works out!

Papabear

submitted by PortableTaco
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Hi Papabear,

So I had this one friend who is an artist. We don't exactly talk too much but I will always leave a like and a comment on her pictures on Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes we would chat and she would give me advice on how I can become a better artist.

A few months ago, I made a critique on one her friend's animation and she capped (yelled/scolded) at me. I then deleted the comment. 

Months later, I saw a picture she drew where she was practicing legs so I commented "Nice legs, what time do they open?" and she wrote back "totally lost respect for you now."
I immediately apologized and said what I wrote was stupid and degrading. Then I removed the comment. 

This may be a silly question, but is it best I just delete her as a friend and forget about ever talking again? We never did talk much anyway and I feel so awful for making someone upset like that. I thought what I said was funny, but I did not think about what others thought of it.

PearBearskunk (age 17)

* * *

Dear PearBearskunk,

Granted this is a first impression on my part, but in your brief letter you mention two incidents in which this artist came back at you with highly upset responses. I don’t know how you phrased your critique of the animation, but let’s assume it wasn’t full of four-letter-words and was just a negative assessment. It’s perhaps nice that she stood up for her friend, but it sounds like she overreacted a bit and is rather oversensitive for some reason.

On the second incident, well, it can be a little dicey. If, for instance, this artist had a bad experience in her life involving a chauvinist, sexual comments, or some sort of harassment, you might have pushed a button that triggered her hurtful response. Or, she might just be a bit of a prude. If you had made such a comment between you and a close friend whose sense of humor you understood, this could, indeed, have been a funny remark. It’s all about the audience, really. Some people are very sensitive, very religious, or just don’t get off-color remarks, while other people are not in the least offended by them. For the latter crowd, your comment was actually pretty mild.

You say that the two of you never talked much, so, really, you are just acquaintances. I would suggest, therefore, that you don’t just jump the gun and cut her off. You have apologized for your comment, but I don’t know whether or not she accepted that apology. If not, write again and apologize one more time and ask her if she accepts your apology. In either case, contact her and say that you would like to become closer friends and get to know her a bit better. If she is open to that, getting to know her personality better should educate you on how to correspond with her in a way that won’t accidentally offend her. Emails and IMs can be tricky because texting does not convey well the body language and other nuances that clue people to the fact that you might be stating something ironically, sardonically, sarcastically, sympathetically, and so on.

If you like this person, don’t give up on a friendship yet. Make a little effort to repair the damage and see if you can become good friends.

Cheers,

Papabear

submitted by chipfoxx
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Author: Hello there, Papabear! I’ve never written to you before—I enjoy reading your kind-hearted advice to other people from time to time when I’m feeling down myself though. Thank you for running this website and column! Now for the problem…. I have a friend who is a survivor of some sort of sexual violence. This […]

Tell me your storieesss

I myself saw a video with fursuiters in it and slowly became drawn to the fandom, then all the hugs made me stay c:

submitted by Invisible_Elvis
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I'm trying to make an opossum tail for my friend. I want to make it out of a rubbery material so it's like a real opossum tail (no plush stuff). The molding isn't a problem but what would be a good rubbery elastic material I could pour into a mold for a durable final product?

submitted by MezzaCorux
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submitted by HayPanda
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This Fandom, as a social order, has been around for arguably 30 years. In that time we have broken down social walls, made an economy based off of art, and spread from one side of the globe to the other. As someone who just joined a committee to establish central organization to his local Furry community in much the same way one organizes street politics, I pose this question to the Fandom. Where do you think Furry will be in another 30 years?

submitted by Hemms3
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submitted by Shadycat
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submitted by ApertureAce
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Well I'm officially a furry again. Over a year ago I told myself I was done with the furry fandom, but apparently I couldn't keep myself away from you fuzzy bastards forever. I've missed you guys! I've forgotten how amazing this community is, but going on this sub reminded me of all the great times I've had. The furry community is really like no other! I'm just regretting deleting my fur-related videos off of youtube and my furaffinity, but luckily I found my commissioned art on an old hard drive.

AMA if you want!

EDIT: If any gamer furs are here, feel free to leave your steam name here or PM me and I'll add you. I'd love to play some vidya with some furries!

submitted by Sno-Fox
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Went through a pretty harsh break-up, I only used to talk to my now ex all the time, so wouldn't mind having some people so I could take my mind off of it. I usually stay up really late playing a lot of games so just hit me up. my skype ID: zorritopr

submitted by foxpr
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One if my friends is moving tomorrow and is leaving behind their cat and wants to leave it with me... Downside is I don't currently have money to get food and litter and a litter box... So yeah all of my commissions are $10 right now (with the exception of badges, I need shipping cost for those too)!!!!!

submitted by HarmonyHeartstrings
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submitted by NoizEboi
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I've been trying to find a nice group of chill people to game with, preferably something other than TF2. I've tried all the basic ones (TFP, AnFur, OzFur, SCG)

Anyone got any ideas?

submitted by Jinxyface
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A photographic romp in robber masks and vintage sets…

Horace and Agnes: A Love Story

Kickstarter ending 7/13/14
This is a gentle sort of project.

You’ll recognize at least one of the characters from “Horace and Agnes: A Love Story” from the Internets. Horace’s rubber horse head is practically a meme on its own, and I honestly almost clicked past this one when I saw his screaming, whinnying face. I’m glad I didn’t.

Imagine if the cast of “Hipster Animals” went crazy with the rummage bin at the Salvation Army and a lomo camera. That’s the feel of H&A: a world of animal people in quirky vintage. Here’s a shot of two high society hippos dancing in the new year in 1968. There’s your Uncle Walt, but with a goat’s head.

I don’t actually know your Uncle Walt, maybe he has a goat’s head. I can’t make assumptions with furries.

Horace and Agnes, AKA Asia Kepka and Lynn Dowling, are jointly raising money for a photo exhibit at the Griffin Photography Museum, opening up the world of Horace and Agnes to the greater Winchester, Massachusetts museum-going community; the Kickstarter is intended to provide funding for their gallery launch-frames, transportation, etc etc…probably more rubber masks are involved at some point.

I like this photography collection. It’s quirky, the vintage clothes and props are just dead on, archetypally 1950s, and the sense for real characters have real lives and real friendships is so strong. Sure, it’s all soaked in a Wes Anderson-based marinade, but try to look at “Home Movies” and not want to put on a rubber dog face and  tipple back a sloe gin fizz. Somehow, the artificial rubber masks lend everything huge amounts of life.

The Kickstarter itself has one of those typical “art over product” problems, if it’s a problem–there really isn’t a magic pledge point where one can get the thing, whatever the thing is. The books are very expensive (even if you like the joke a lot, $100 is a bit much to pledge for a joke), the calendar’ looks like it’s just a single image. There’s no place that really feels like the right pledge point for someone who doesn’t know the photographers personally and isn’t likely to make it up to Massachusetts.

You can see more of the “Herbert And Agnes” story on Asia Kepka’s portfolio, or of course at the Kickstarter page. The “making of” video at the end is worth a view, if you’re amused by the rest of this silly stuff.

Note: Images used above are included to promote the work of crowdfunding artists, and are owned by the original creator.

Ok I'm looking for something subtle, or maybe even a shirt only furries will understand. Can you help me find something? :3

submitted by Mison0514
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I'm trying to find something for a friend. Does anyone know where I can find a drawing of a baby wolf/fox hybrid? I tried Google, but the results were less than satisfying.

submitted by crookedear
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We discuss the different interactions a writer can have between other writers, editors, publishers and readers. How to conduct yourself as well the waiting game that happens when dealing with editors and publishers.

Email: podcast@fangsandfonts.com
Twitter: FangsAndFonts
Website: www.fangsandfonts.com

Fangs and Fonts

Click below to Listen http://www.fangsandfonts.com/FnF/Episodes/Ep23_-_Wait_Communicate_and_Listen.mp3

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Ep 23 – Wait, Communicate and Listen - We discuss the different interactions a writer can have between other writers, editors, publishers and readers. How to conduct yourself as well the waiting game that happens when dealing with editors and publishers. Email: podcast@fangsandfonts.com [...]