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My name is Miguel and my fursona is BleeperCat. I'm a black one-eyed cat (long story and maybe some of you will get the reference haha). I'm also a Chiptuner, if you want to check my music, i leave you one of my songs: https://soundcloud.com/bleepercat/the-legend-of-the-newspaper-reader-fox Nice to meet you all! :D

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A while ago I had a emotional break and as a part of my healing process I write these words.

I write these words in the hope that they may help someone else who feels how I feel. If I can help even one person, then baring my soul on here is worth anything that may happen.

They say the best way to quiet your mind is to write it all down, that way you can examine them as if you were reading a book that you had dumped everything onto from your mind. With as jumbled as my mind has been lately, I’m wondering if someone will read my words one day and wonder if they are the ravings of a madman, or the words of a wise old sage. Is there really any difference between the two? Are the people who really see Angels, that are locked away as insane, more courageous than everyone else for telling it like it is? Or should they be more circumspect and be careful of those they tell? Don’t worry, I don’t see Angels. These may still be the ravings of a madman, but they are just what are in my head that are causing me such pain in spirit and that is slowly bleeding over into the physical.

First a brief history lesson. I was born and raised in the Deep South. The Bible belt. The land of intolerance and fear of anything different. Don’t get me wrong, the people of that area would do almost anything for a complete stranger in need because the Good Book says so. These are normally hard working people, families and friends who hold together in the face of adversity and can overcome anything they set their mind to in the name of God. These people can also taunt, accuse, beat, burn and even kill in the name of that same God when confronted by something not covered by the Good Book. They are even more fervent in their prosecution if the Good Book tells them that what they are confronted with is against the natural laws of nature and God. These things include gays, furrys, pagans/wiccans, transgendered, hermaphrodites, anyone NOT the same color as those doing the persecution and I’m sure that if a friendly alien species came down to visit and get to know us, they would be confronted with shotguns and flaming torches as well.

This is where and how I was raised. I was required by my folks to attend church “religiously” until I reached the age of 16 when I could drive my own self around. Then I was allowed a certain amount of freedom to do as I liked. Anyone with kids, or who can truthfully look back on their childhood knows that when that kind of freedom is given, it is instantly abused. I never felt like I belonged there. Honestly I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Most of my childhood I was raised in the country with little contact due to the distance between houses. The private school my folks spend every penny they had sending me to, I was the poorest in the class. The majority of the kids who went there had money or came from money. We all know how cruel kids can be. Remember different is different, even when it comes to money, or the lack there of. Just like any outcast I searched desperately for something to cling to, somewhere to belong. The closest thing I found to a religion that I could accept and understand was Wicca and it made a certain amount of sense to me. If you look at the majority of religions you will see many similarities. Also I had a tough time in items like the Bible. The Bible is supposed to be the words from God himself, but then these words were recorded and translated by man, a naturally and inheritantly flawed being. We tend to think the best about ourselves and anything that may contradict that belief is tended to be ignored or rewritten to put us in a better light. So how can something like the Bible be correct when man is who translated the words of God.

Just like any nerdy teenager who didn’t have many if any friends I ended up playing online games and looking for somewhere to belong on the internet. As far back as I can remember, I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. I’ve never felt any real kinship with mankind and humans in general. When you feel left out and alone and like you cannot relate to anyone or anything because no one feels like they are even the same species you are you look online. I learned about things like transgenderism, and anthropomorphism, and gays and lesbians and furrys and etc etc etc… You search frantically for somewhere, ANYWHERE to belong. You want to find someone to understand you, someone who accepts you, you don’t want to be alone anymore and you will hold on to any lifeline thrown to you. I joined IRC chats, I discovered a place called Second Life and I tried to find out who I was. What I was. The closest I came to fitting in and feeling accepted and alive was the anthropomorphic and furry communities. I made a great many friends and I laughed and loved and shared and was shared to by people I learned to call friends. Then disaster struck. People found out things about me in real life I didn’t want them to know and marriage occurred for the wrong reasons (no she wasn’t pregnant). I had to “clean up my life”, I had to reform, I had to join the rest of the sheep and be a good little human and stop being broken and weird. I tried, God did I try. Everyone I know was married and had kids and were living tough but happy lives. I wanted to be love like that, I wanted to love like that. Needless to say, it didn’t work out too well and I caught the woman, whom claimed to love me, in our bed with another man while I was deployed with the military. I don’t remember what happened really but came to being held down in the front yard by the military police while the paramedics bandaged up the intruder in the bedroom whom has been rutting with my mate. When the guards found out what happened the wife and the other person was escorted from base and divorce ensued.

Next came 9 years of blurry memories of being a good little human, a good little person, a person who didn’t feel, didn’t love, didn’t feel love and was just a mindless, numb automaton going through the motions of life. I avoided people, people caused too much pain and suffering. I avoided just about everyone in my life and as a result I got what I wanted, a life without people. This was a dark time in my life. Being alone with one’s thoughts can be dangerous in this state of mind. I felt like a soul trapped in an ocean of darkness, barely keeping my head above water and wondering if it would just be easier to slip beneath the surface of those black waves forever and end the pain.

One day, not too long ago, I was going through my Amazon wish list. In that list was a book I had placed on it many years before. The book was “Joined in Mind and Body” by Kenneth Fox. This book is a story of love between a human and a small creature from a race of larger creatures that were a feline-taur species. They were telepathic and they, and the humans had formed an alliance to help protect the universe. It’s a love story and the author’s portrayal of the love these two different individuals from two different species had for each other broke something inside me. I send the next couple of days curled into a ball crying for love that I could never have and never would find because deep inside I knew I would never find the other half of my soul because it probably wasn’t even on this planet. I believe that, yes, there is a higher power in the universe. I believe that this higher power has a well of souls to draw from for the people he created and loves. I also believe that we aren’t the only beings he has brought into existence and yet still only has one well to draw from. I believe that when we finally pass on and no longer need the soul he or she has provided for us then we go back to that well and await out new lives. I think that a residual trace of our past lives are still attached to that energy that is a soul and can never be fully wiped away. I believe those, who feel as I do, because I have no illusions that I am the only one, are yearning for a life they once had but not on this planet. I believe that those transgendered people have a soul that still clings to its past sex. I believe those furry’s have a soul that clings to a race of beings that are not of this world and which cannot understand why it cannot find the other half of itself that it is supposed to find to be completed. I believe that all the others out there who are having their own special problems and are trying to deal as best they know how simply have the soul that still clings to a former planet, species, or past life that it cannot forget. I believe that is why many of us will never find the love that will truly complete us and therefore cling to relationships that do not make us feel whole.

These thoughts, once thought, made my heart feel crushed as if by giant black hole. Sucking out every single pieces of joy I had left because my upbringing told me that I was wrong to think this. That I was broken for feeling this way and my internal struggle was so great that I wondered why I had not gone mad already. The war raging inside my mind, body, heart and soul were so ravaging that I felt I would surely perish in those black waters finally and sink into oblivion and maybe, just maybe, I would finally be free and that my mangled soul may once more return to the planet and species that it belongs and yearns for so deeply. Maybe next time I could finally find happiness. Then I read another book. “The Sunset of Furmankind” by Ted R. Blasingame. This book made me laugh, made me cry and helped me to explain what I was feeling inside. The internal struggle and conflict that the main character goes through was the same as I was feeling deep inside me and this book finally brought me some small measure of peace. I still feel hallow and unfulfilled inside and I also feel that I may never find the other half of my soul but putting all of these words down here help to ease a troubled mind. So I joined a Meetup group for furrys here in Colorado. I’ve never been into the fursuits or some of the other wilder aspects of the community, but I feel that the soul lying inside my heart may relate better with these people who also feel just as separated from humanity as I do in some instances. I’m hoping to separate myself from the life of a hermit I have been living and maybe find some small measure of peace and happiness in my life. I still feel the yawning black seas in my soul, but now I have found a life preserver to hold onto. Maybe I’ll find a boat next and someone to sail it with me. To everyone out there, wherever you are who feel this way remember, there is hope even if there doesn’t feel like it. There are other out there who feel just the same way you do. You are not alone, WE are not alone. We may just be on the wrong planet as the wrong species or the wrong sex or…. I know not many will probably end up reading this and those that do may blow up my inbox with flame and hate for what I feel and believe but this is MY life, not yours. Go live how you want to and I’ll try my damnedest to be happy with what I have.

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So I have a question for all the furs out there. How have you find a balance between life, work, hanging out with furs and non furs and going to cons? Has being a furry effected your job?

I'm just curious is all and a bit uncertain if being a fur would effect my career.

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[Updated September 19]
Hey, Papa Bear! 

I'm so glad your column is still here. I don't know if you remember me from a letter I wrote a while ago about coming out as furry to my parents and the disaster that resulted. Well, they still won't let me be furry, but that isn't quite what this letter is about, at least not fully.
So a lot of stuff happened since I last wrote. I'm in my senior year in high school now, and I'm super excited. My future is starting to come together and it's looking good. I did some growing up and whatnot as well. I'm a whole new person from a year ago. 

But it's not all good stuff that happened. Last September, my twin brother took his own life. It caught us completely by surprise and it hit us hard. It's been getting better, but there are things that are still sitting in my head and I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to my parents or a counselor because I don't quite understand them myself. I won't go into all the details about his suicide, but I will say my brother had his issues and definitely wasn't on the right path. He and my folks had their share of fights, and they got very nasty at times. I was never told the whole story and I was ok with that, I didn't need to know his business, but I did listen to every argument and what I heard should never be spoken between parents and child. 

So fast forward three months, I'm seeing a counselor. Being furry comes up somehow. Long story short, parents have the last word, I'm told to "take a break" until I'm eighteen, and I was forced to get rid of my fursuit. I gave it to a friend who is holding it for me so I'm not that upset about that. But with all we went through with my brother's death and how they've been with me about furry, I feel a measure of bitterness towards them. I still love them and care about them, that has not changed at all. But I can't help but feel so bitter and resentful towards them. I think much of it comes from a vibe I get from them that they don't see anything wrong with what they do. Like they never admit wrongs and I never remember them simply saying sorry to me or my siblings. Ever.

I'm sorry for the wall of text. I just worry that I'm being unfair by feeling the way I do and you were so great to me when I last wrote. If you've got any advice or tips for me, I would sure appreciate them.

Stay furry,
Zanda (age 17)

* * *

Hi, Zanda,

I remember you, yes. I'm so very very sorry to hear about your brother. Tell me, was he your maternal or paternal twin?

It would really help me with the answer if you could tell me anything about what your brother and parents fought about. That's important. Also, tell me more about your brother. What was he like? What did he do with his time? How was his school life?

It probably goes without saying, but I think your parents forcing you to give up the fursuit--even for a short time--is foolish. Well, more later. 

Write again soon,

Papabear

* * *

Ok, well my brother was maternal. He was a great kid, smart kid too. He was planning to be a doctor and he was going to be great at it. Until he got to high school where he got into drugs. My parents really cracked down on him, they took away a lot of freedoms and privacy. They started hiding money from him and going through his stuff. They also kept him from hanging out with certain friends that were up to no good and that's what most of the fights came from. The fighting never got physical but it was loud. Lots of hateful words back and forth. His school quickly went to crap. The house was really on edge a lot, with my brother and parents always angry with each other for something, my younger sibling and I had to kind of stay out of the way. I never felt ignored or anything, just that everyone was short with each other. 

Does that help much?

* * *

Yes, my next question is: did they get him professional help for his drug problem?

* * *

They did. He was also ADHD and had insomnia. We had been getting him help and very good help. But I can only guess that we didn't know how bad things actually were. I know that frequent marijuana and alcohol would make any medication he was taking not work or do something completely unwanted. 

* * *

Dear Zander,

I think I get it now. All right, please bear in mind, again, that I am not a trained therapist or psychologist, so take what I write here with a grain of salt. 

I’ve seen what happened to your brother happen to others: over controlling parents who believe they are doing the right thing by their child, but, instead, they stifle them so much that they become miserable. The common result of this is turning to drugs or alcohol, as your brother did. Am I blaming your parents for what happened to your brother? From what information I have here, yes; yes I am. Like I said, I’ve seen it before: parents who drive their kids so crazy that they run away from home, turn to drugs, and/or kill themselves. (In an ideal world, you would have to take a test before breeding, but, sadly, any unqualified person can breed). On another note, I’m not saying all suicides trace back to Mom and Dad; often, it is mental illness, which is not a parent’s fault at all, other than not recognizing it.

How your parents treated your brother is probably why you feel resentful because you know it, too. But, as you said, they will never admit wrongdoing. Because of that (and because I could be wrong, after all), it would be unwise of you to point a finger and say, “You did this.”

There is nothing that can be done for your brother; tragically, it’s too late for him, but it isn’t too late for you. 

Here’s what you do. While recognizing that (and I believe this) your parents love you and your brother at some level, their parenting style is so off-kilter that it is actually a danger to your mental well-being. Insulting your children and hyper-controlling their behavior is poor parenting. Ideally, they need some heavy counseling on how to be good parents, but you’re already 17 and it’s rather too late for that to benefit you much.

Recognize that it is okay not to agree with your parents and it is also okay, even, for you to blame them for what happened. So, stop feeling guilty for feeling the way you do. What you feel inside your heart is completely legitimate.

Once you get over feeling guilty that you believe your parents to be culpable, you need to let go of your anger and resentment. These things destroy your soul; they harm you, not anyone else.

It’s very fortunate that you “did some growing up” and are doing well in school. You’re going to need those two things, because the best thing for you to do is to get out of your parents’ house and out of their control as quickly as you can. You will benefit greatly to get out of their manipulative grip. I’m super-glad—as you might say—that you were able to give your fursuit to a friend for safe keeping, because—I firmly believe—one of the best things you can do for yourself is be furry because it is a way to express yourself freely. 

You need to take charge of your life and live it as you feel best. That is the best way for you to survive. I have a feeling your brother was unable to do this. He let guilt and his heartache over not being able to express his true self get to him, and that’s why he turned down the wrong path. I also surmise that your parents—noting that you are twins—think you will repeat your brother’s mistakes, and, therefore, they are probably going to be even more controlling of you in their misguided belief that dominating your life is the solution because you are too naive and inexperienced to know your own heart.

Am I close here?

You tell me.

Hugs,

Papabear


* * *

[Updated September 19, 2015]

Dear Papabear,

Your words are very relieving and heartening to me. Like always, you've hit the nail on the head. If you'll indulge me just a few more questions, I think we can just about wrap this up.

I reflected on your words about letting go of guilt and resentment all day and what I think I should do. I think that the guilt will fade over time. My worry is about the rest of my feelings. I don't know if I can ever truly let go of the anger and resentment I have about what happened, (or if I even WANT to let go of it) without some kind of closure or understanding between mom and dad. And I'm not after them to face up to any crimes or anything like that. I don't want it to be their fault, what I want is for them to understand what I feel, why I feel it, and for them to just plain deal with it. I don't want their apologies or their sympathies. The way I see it, what we went through changed us forever, and we will never be like we were. I believe I'll always have that angry stir in my chest when I think about the night my brother argued with dad about whether he'll get pulled out of sports for hanging out with one of his "stoner" friends. I'll never forget the last thing he said. My dad's exact words to my brother were "Get the fuck away from me, you little shit, and go to your room. I can't believe you're that pathetic to be around those people." So they both went to bed. I want them to understand what that did to my brother and I, and realize that the damage is already done and mostly permanent. As I write, it is starting to sound more and more like I want to stay mad. Honestly, as much as I hate to say it, I do want to stay mad. Maybe that is wrong of me, maybe it isn't. But when they do what they did, then tell me right to my face that I have no right to blame them for my twin brother's death,  I don't see why I should let that go. I don't want to let that go. Do you think I should go back to my counselor about bringing this to my parents? SHOULD I bring it to my parents at all?

Alright, my next question isn't as heavy. I've also thought about what you've said about taking charge of my life and I agree. I feel it's time for me to start setting boundaries with my folks and making my own decisions. I want to begin distancing myself from mom and dad and making my life my own. Since they aren't willing to step down a bit until I'm 18 this April, I need some help on how to get started. Do you believe looking into getting out of my parent's house now and moving in elsewhere is an option? Moving out is just another thing on the table, anything you want to add on is greatly appreciated.
 
I want to thank you again for how you've put up with me. I also want to thank you for listening well and being so good to me and everyone else that writes to you. You're doing great things with this column. It's obvious that you care for your writers and your advice is always considerate, wise, and well put. I wish you luck in all you do. Definitely gonna go after a copy of your book when it's done!

Stay furry,
Zanda

* * *

Dear Zanda,

This might be a surprise to you, but it is not always necessary to forgive someone who has done you harm. When do you forgive someone? When they are truly sorry for what they did and try to make it right. In the case of your parents, though, it doesn't sound as if they are mature enough to recognize that they are (at least in a big part) responsible for what happened to your brother. I can well imagine that they--especially your father, sounds like--made your brother feel like he was worthless; and many people (especially sensitive people) will take that to mean they might as well die because even their parents think their lives have no meaning.

So, no, you don't have to forgive them. But do watch out for feeling hatred for them. Instead, recognize that they are severely flawed people and, therefore, what they say and tell you to do will probably do you more harm than good.

I don't think telling your parents will make them change their mind. Ideally, it would be wonderful if they would agree to go to family counseling with you (I'm guessing they would refuse that). That's just my opinion, though, and you are wise to further discuss this with your counselor and see what he or she thinks.

Before you make a move, make certain you have a solid plan and that you will be able to take care of yourself; maybe, with luck, even get a higher education. Not only should you have a plan, but you should have one or two backup plans, as well, because, God forbid, if your first plan fails and you don't have any alternatives, can you imagine asking your parents if you could move back in with them?

You say in your first letter that your future is coming together. Hopefully that means you have some things in the works that will help you to achieve independence. I'm happy to help you out with that, but I would need to know more details first.

I'm very sorry about how this part of your life has turned out. In many cases, if I had read that a young teen was upset with his parents and felt they didn't listen, I would try to figure out a way for them all to stay together, but the wrench in the works is your brother's death and their unwillingness to do anything about it (that is, anything to heal the wounds) and that they are, furthermore, doing the same thing to you as they did to your brother.

I'd be very curious to hear what your counselor says about this. Talk to him and give me an update. Remember to look before you leap.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Submitted by Fred Patten, Furry’s favorite historian and reviewer. The Starling God, by Tanya Sousa. Old Hickory, TN, Forestry Press, March 2014, trade paperback $12.50 (269 pages), Kindle $9.99. “Trying to make sense of humanity’s quirky and often devastating behaviors, birds formed a religion complete with mythology, lore and fissured beliefs. “The tenuous world-view of […]

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