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Dear Papabear,

Why is it that furries seem to get flack for stuff that anime has, while anime seems to get a pass?

I've been persecuted a lot online for being a furry on the basis of it being adult orientated, when anime has the same stuff. Why do people persecute us furries for stuff what other fandoms have?

--Foxyfluf

* * *

Dear Foxyfluf,

I’ll bet you’re familiar with Rule 34: if it exists, there is porn for it.  As you pointed out, there is Anime porn. There is also Star Trek porn, Disney porn, Lord of the Rings porn, etc. etc. As the song goes on the stage musical Avenue Q, the Internet is for porn! Apparently so. But not even just the Internet. Anime porn is available in full-length movie form far and above anything available in the way of furporn. Some of the anime stuff is quite shocking, too, involving... er, “Death by Snoo Snoo,” as they say on Futurama, as well as disturbing scenes from Hell. (Yeah, Papabear has seen it).

Which brings us back to your question: If anime has the same stuff as things you see on furry sites, why do we furs get all the flack?

Shocking revelation alert! Papabear has a theory :-P. The furry community does not produce their material through major movie studios or other corporations. We are a purely amateur-run art, flash, and, sometimes, filmmaking society of people. This makes it easier for people outside the fandom to attack us, just like a wolf pack attacking a weak, young bison. We have no big bucks behind us to fight back (this might change in the future, but in the meantime it holds true).

Another reason for this persecution is that, frankly, furporn is too easy to find online. You might note that anime porn is often placed in adults-only areas where a visitor has to verify his or her age or, even more, pay for a subscription to the adult materials inside. On the other hand, if you go to FurAffinity.net, e621.net, or even sofurry.com, you can easily access free porn. If Papabear had any say in the matter, he would recommend to these and other sites that they set up an adults only section. I believe this could go a long way toward dispelling the impression that furries are all about porn.

Thirdly, furries have simply gotten more bad press than anime or other types of specialized porn. This is a subject that has been addressed in this and other furry sites many times, so Papabear feels no need to elaborate upon it.

I hope this answers your question, Foxyfluf!

And, as always, Papabear welcomes comments on this topic and encourages his readers to present their thoughts and theories. I’m sure some of you have unique insights on this.

Hugs,

Papabear 

Papabear,

I'm not sure what to consider myself, or what it takes to "properly" be a member of the furry world. I've enjoyed kemonomimi (anime-styled humans with animal ears and/or tails) for a long time. I've enjoyed furry art from time to time if I find the style particularly to my liking.

I also realized tonight that I actually feel somewhat incomplete without a tail. If I had the money, and the implant/prosthetic technology were available, I'd get one. No question. Yet I have no fursona I am aware of. I don't know what animal I would be, or how I would identify within the furry world. Is tailed human an option?

Am I a furry? Should I try to find an animal to identify with? What would you recommend? Thank you for your help and for considering my question.

--Fur-curious

* * *

Dear Fur-curious,

Good question, and thank you for it! There seems to be an ongoing debate among furries as to what “qualifies” people to be furry. Unfortunately, some furries have set themselves up as judges of the community as a whole, pronouncing sentences on people and declaring some as furry worthy and some as not. Nothing could be more absurd.

There is only one qualification for being a furry: do you like art, stories, etc. that involve anthropomorphic characters? If the answer is “Yes,” then you’re a furry.

Now, I can see the confusion here. When one mentions “anthropomorphic animal,” one usually thinks of a character that displays mostly animalistic features—fur, muzzle, tail, paws, etc.—while just having a few human characteristics, such as the ability to speak a human language, walk upright, and so on.

Kemonomimi characters are much more human than animal, usually sporting only furry ears, maybe a tail, maybe whiskers, but they definitely appear very human. However, there is still a very definite blending of animal and human features in kemonomimi, and, therefore, in Papabear’s mind it falls into the furry world. It is definitely a subset of furry, but it is still furry.

Now, bear in mind that Papabear is not the spokesfur for the community and my opinions have no weight. I’m sure there may be those who disagree with me and that is their right. But, again, if you ask this ol’ bear, you are a furry who is interested in kemonomimi.

One last note: Fur-curious, do not let other people try and define who you are. Only YOU can do that. If trolls and popufurs get on your case and say you are not a furry, that is their opinion, but if in your heart you are a furry, then you are a furry. If they give you more grief, you can respond like this Frenchman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OzIMHowtL8.

Bear Hugs!

Papabear

Hey papa bear. 

My parents are both the kind of people that happen to hate the furry fandom, and I am and have been a furry since before I even knew what a furry was, let alone about the fandom.

Every time they find anything even remotely furry related, renamon wallpapers, pokemon wallpapers, what have you, they force me to delete them...I can't even have furry rave videos, and those make me happy to watch...

Even all of my fellow furry/non furry friends find this strange.

Do you have any tips that I could possibly try to make my situation less like walking on egg shells with the things I like??

To put it slightly more into perspective, I'm not even allowed on deviantart due to the name, nor furaffinity...

To make things worse, I'm 20, but sadly still living with my parents durring college... Yes, they are paying for my college degree, sadly even with my two jobs, I don't make enough to do much even though I'm going to a community college, and sadly no I do not plan, nor can I move out any time in the near future.

What should/could I possibly do, if anything??


--Michael

* * * Hi, Michael:

What you describe is a typical parent/progeny problem. The parents may be well-meaning in their desire to keep you away from furries and other anthropomorphic entertainment, but what they are doing is denying you your free will. The problem here, of course, is that they are paying for your college, your shelter, and some food, I imagine, although you are definitely contributing by working two jobs.

Legally speaking, you are 20 years old and they have no legal right to prevent anything you do, what you read, what websites you surf, etc., as long as it is legal. That straight and logical fact does not resolve the emotional side of it, of course. These people are your parents, and you have an inborn urge to please them and be the good son, no doubt. So, the facts, as I understand them are this: 1) you like furries and being a furry and want to pursue that interest; 2) your parents won't let you; 3) your parents currently control your financial well being and your ability to get an education.

I'm not sure how they force you to not look at furry stuff. Do they threaten you? Do they cut off your Internet connection? Do they forbid you to go to cons, etc? Let's assume it's all of the above. Let's also assume you have tried to calm their fears and counter their arguments to no avail. 

I'm not going to tell you to move out of your parents' house. Given you're trying to finish school, and given the crappy economy, this is not a serviceable solution. I'm also not going to tell you to give up being furry. If you are a TRUE furry, and not just a poser (as some are) then you can't stop being a furry any more than a gay person can stop being gay. So, the third, rather unpleasant option, is to go underground with being furry. You will have to bide your time until your situation improves and you can support yourself, and then at that point you can tell your parents that you are still a furry, and if they don't like it, that might make you sad, but you can't change who you are.

I'm sorry you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I wish I had a better strategy for you, but, unfortunately, circumstances don't always allow us to be who we are completely. I'm not saying hide being furry from your parents forever. I'm saying now is an inopportune time, and you need to wait until you are in a position where you are free of financial ties. To that end, at this point in your life it is important for you to focus on school and getting a good job; put furry in the background for now.

When it comes time when you can talk to them eye to eye, be kind. Tell them you realize that they were trying to protect you, and you appreciate that, but being furry is something you are, and they will just have to accept it.

Good luck!

Papabear

Hi Papabear,

I just wanted to know if you could help me out with a problem I've been having. I've been a furry for about 8 months now, and I love it. It gave me inspiration for my art and some of the greatest friends I've ever had. But, here's the problem. My mate is not furry, and she is a little iffy on the topic as a whole. Some days, she seems to be fine and accepting of me being furry. And then other days, she wants nothing to do with any of it and acts like it's the weirdest thing ever. 

She knows she should be more accepting of it, and I've explained why it's not what she thinks it is. But still, she seems to want to hide the fact that I'm furry from everyone, when all I want is to be myself and not be judged. Honestly, it makes me feel like I'm being judged by her. And what makes it more confusing, is that she's the one that started calling me Wolfy before I was furry. So I chose my fursona based on that. She decided she was a fox and I call her foxy. She even had me draw a furry version of her and she liked the picture! She even owns a tails and ears. Is she just a closet furry?

I just don't know how to make her understand and she can't seem to figure out what it is that is bothering her about it. This is our only problem area. I'm head over paws for this girl and I know I don't want to leave her just because of this. Any advice you could give me on this would be great. 

--Confused Wolf

* * *

Hi, Wolf,

Thanks for writing "Ask Papabear." The issue here is clearly not you but your mate. She is sending you mixed signals: is she a furry or isn't she? Is she accepting of you as a furry, too, or isn't she? Either way, at this point in time, she seems embarrassed by furries and so won't be furry in front of non-furries.

You mention you have only been a furry for eight months. That isn't very long, and perhaps she just needs some more time to warm up to the idea of furriness.  Instead of insisting she dive in head first into the engulfing waters of the fandom, perhaps what she needs to do is wade into the shallow end and slowly move into deeper waters. For now, I would suggest you and she do fun furry activities together in private or among other furries only.  Do so in small doses rather than inundating her in 100%, 24/7 furriness. Between your furry times together, go and share non-furry activities, such as going out dancing or to the movies with your non-furry friends.

Over time, depending on your sense of how she is doing and feeling about being furry, you can gradually increase your furry activities together. I can't give you a timeline on how to do this because so much depends on her and how she is warming up to being furry.  It's great that she is making the effort to do furry things together with you, and she clearly cares about you if she is doing so, just don't push it or insist that she accept furry 100% right now, all or nothing. Relationships are a process; they take work, they take time, but when they involve a person you care about, as you clearly care about your mate, they are well worth the effort.

Good luck!

Papabear

Greetings Papa Bear;

My fandom experience has taken somewhat of a left turn. Although I'm extremely pleased to be in such a large fandom, I'm also only sixteen, and it's hard for me to find opportunities to get in contact with other members!

I've tried places such as FurryMUCK, however, it was difficult because the people there already knew each other so well that it was almost impossible to start finding a way to join the conversation. I'm still sanguine about this one, though. Anything with RP and my name is plastered amongst it.

Furthermore, large websites like FurAffinity scare the beggeesus out of me! I'm not sure why, though, other than the fact that my experience on their forum was horrendous. (>:P)

Please teach me your ways, sensei! Teach me to be a prospering member of the fandom!

--Kandle

* * *

Dear Kandle,

You don’t say whether you have gone to any furry meets or cons, so we will start by addressing your social networking online. There are many websites out there in the furry community, as you know, FurAffinity and FurryMUCK being only two of them. It sounds like you’re a little intimidated by large groups, so let’s start by thinking smaller. Here are a couple of strategies:

1) Have you looked into local furry groups? I belong to a couple here in southern California, including the Inland Empire Furries Association, SoCal Furs, and San Diego Furries. Instead of joining a large furry site (if that intimidates you) look for a smaller group and try and participate in local meets.

2) Start your own small group. Some sites, such as Furry4Life and Facebook, allow you to create your own group. It can be based on a personal interest, a geographical location, or any other standard you wish to create. This will give you a more limited number of furries to deal with and, since you created the group yourself, you won’t feel like you are joining something already in progress where relationships are already established and you think you’ll have a hard time joining in the dialog.

Online networking aside, I would, again, encourage you to try and meet other furries IRL at local meets or, perhaps, a small con.

Hope this helps, Kandle!

Big Bear Hugs!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I've been a furry for a few years now, and I'm wondering if you can give me some advice. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome last year and was hoping you had advice on how I can overcome a problem I got. Whenever I'm at a furry convention, and in all honesty I don't go to that many, I'm all open and ready to greet furs I don't know and make new friends. But, when I'm someplace else, like church, I just sit there while others go and talk to their other friends. How can I take my energy that I have when I'm at a furry convention over to help me so I'm not just a guy who has no friends?


Sincerely,
Jake Otter

* * *

Dear Jake,

What an excellent question. I meet a lot of furries in the fandom suffering from Asperger’s syndrome, a form of autism that makes social interaction difficult. It’s interesting to Papabear that furries with Asperger’s are able to interact with other furries, but, like you, have trouble outside the fandom.

You do not say whether or not you are receiving treatment for Asperger’s, but judging by your letter, it appears you are not getting any professional help or you probably would not be writing to Papabear. For some furries, paying for therapy or medication is not an option because they do not have much money and are not covered by insurance.

Depending on how extreme your AS is, you might be able to perform some self-help treatments. There is a wonderful woman in Canada named A. J. Mahari who has AS and has created as website called “Asperger’s Adults Differently Abled” at http://aspergeradults.ca/.  She has posted so much first-hand information here that I recommend this site to anyone with AS.  The site focuses a lot on self-help techniques, and there is an entire section offering advice on how to better form social relationships and relate to others when you have AS.

You should be able to find your answers there, Jake, which will help you with your situation in church.

Big Bear Hugs to You!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I have been having a bit of relationship troubles and some problems with my furry 'family' as well. My mate, the lovable tiger that he is, is sometimes a bit of a handful. He's really paranoid and reads too deep into what people say. If you say you don’t like what he likes, he will get really upset assuming you are saying you hate the opposite. A sort of bianary mentality about things. If its not one way, then it must obviously be the exact opposite. This leads to him jumping to conclusions and making wild assumptions and yelling at people he just meets because they say something wrong. Lastly, when someone tries to bring up that they are having a problem, he will interject with one of his problems and when we tell him we're trying to help the other fur, he assumes we don’t care about him leading to us spending several hours trying to cheer him up having to completely ignore the other fur's problem. This, as you can assume, leads to a lot of drama. I am the one who has to clean up the drama because I just happen to be the one who is capable of managing emotions. So most of my time talking with my friends is spent being a drama janitor. Its really stressful because everyone is so fragile and easily upset so I have to always tiptoe through my words. The worst part though is that since these furs seem emotionally helpless, I dont get to express my problems, but most of the time, I dont need to express my problems because I enjoy helping people with their problems. I love being helpful amd making people smile. Sadly the problems I have to deal with are petty and if I point out that the one who is upset is actually at fault and not the victim, I get barked at. How do I handle them? 

Pardon me if I rambled.

Tired Pup

* * *

Dear  Tired Pup,

It sounds to Papabear as if your tiger mate might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Remembering that this bear is not a medical professional, I urge you to look at some of the links I will provide you below.

BPD’s symptoms include seeing everything in black-and-white terms (what you call a “binary mentality”) and having inappropriate overreactions to other people’s comments and observations. Depending on the degree of the BPD, sufferers of this affliction may or may not be able to function well in society. Treatment is available for those with BPD, and often involves a combination of therapy and medications.

Tired Pup, though you are very brave and sweet to try to handle this problem on your own, Papabear urges you to try and get some help for your mate, if at all possible. In addition, don’t forget about yourself. You sound like a very giving person, but every now and then try and give yourself some “me time.” Find a place where you can be alone and relax, meditate, go see a movie, go enjoy the outdoors. Try and do this at least once a week and it should help relieve some of the stress.

In the meantime, here are some links for you:

·  http://www.bpddemystified.com/: a very good introduction to BPD and its treatments.

·  http://bpdresourcecenter.org/: another good resource with all kinds of information.

·  http://bpd.about.com/od/treatments/a/od/glossary/g/psychoed.htm : this page from About.com offers a lot of treatment options, including tips on self-treatment, which can be useful for those who can’t afford psychotherapy.

Good Luck!

Hugs!

Papabear

Hello papa bear,

Here where I am living at [again] is quite undesirable. And I as a furry have quite the hard time due to the fact that my reps are not located here. When I went to school [Middle school] I very much had a problem a few weeks ago.

That day we had to represent what we actually are in a decent and creative way. Of course, I dressed up as my furry-self [but still a bit more humanoid like]. The Spanish teacher was quite worried [because I was dressed as a fox] and she sent me to the school's Counselor and my mother was there. They called her like if it was some sort of emergency like if someone had attacked me [vice versa]. And me and mum tried to explain her but she seemed quite off about the subject and said it "needed some intensive work" so she sent me to the schools social worker.

While at the social worker's office it was so uncomfortable and she just looked at me like if I was wearing some sort of voodoo doll or a demon crap of that stuff.

At this I am sent off to get some damned professional help. Just because I dressed off as a half furry fox at a creative day at school [and believe me it was decent]. Due to this now I must go for two more checks and one if them is on my b-day.

These people basically just ruined me in a way for just being scared of me because I am just a furry [and even though the subculture has time there are a few members living here],

I really need a word of advice about this... I know you can try to help me.

Thank you,

SonoKAI Haashia

* * *

Dear SonoKAI Haashia,

Let me see if I have this correct: your mother appears to know you are a furry, but your school was freaked out about it and is forcing you to see a social worker? They want you to visit a social worker twice. After that, you are done? I’m not sure how this ruins your life, other than being an inconvenience, especially on your birthday.

My advice to you would be to do the time, pretend to be “cured” by these idiots, and never wear your furry stuff at school again. They obviously can’t handle it.

The good news is that your mother seems to understand, which is MUCH more important than the bureaucratic morons at your school. Be furry with your family and your friends and consider yourself a lucky furry, because many furries have a hard time being so open with their loved ones. You have an understanding mother, be happy with that.

Papabear is sorry you live in a narrow-minded town. For now, all you can do is sigh and shake your head sadly and move on. You can get them to leave you alone by pretending the social worker has made you “see the light” and just go to school wearing the same things your classmates do. OBVIOUSLY, they were not sincere when they gave you an assignment to “be yourself.” This makes them hypocrites.

Hope this helps you cope.  Please write again if I did not provide the insight you needed.

Bear Hugs!

Papabear

Hi, Papabear,

I've been a furry for a decade, spanning back through my high school years — and left a large online footprint. I've tried to reduce it a bit, but everything is forever on the Internet. Entering the job market, I'm concerned about prospective employers being able to link me with my furry identity, or folks being able to link vice-versa.

My question to you is: does it matter? Do people actively search for people's backgrounds and would my furry identity matter to them? What do furries who have careers do regarding their two identities?

Thanks,
John "Deer" Doe

* * *

Hi, John Deer,

What an outstanding and highly relevant question for the “Ask Papabear” column! Thank you for sending it.

Background checks by companies for potential employees have been around for a long time. They are especially important when it comes to government employees, any job that deals with working with children, or jobs that involve highly sensitive information. Companies conduct background checks to protect themselves and their clients, as well as other employees.

In the past, background checks traditionally focused on whether or not a job applicant had a criminal record. Additional focus in recent years has been paid to applicants who have any record of child abuse or molestation, or with links to organizations or people associated with terrorist groups.

There are companies that specifically provide background checks to employers. The Internet, as you note, has become a resource that employers sometimes check on their own, and, yes, social networks are increasingly coming under scrutiny.

Here’s a good link about the things employers often check and what some of your basic rights are: http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs16-bck.htm. And this article is about employers checking social network sites: http://abcnews.go.com/Business/job-tweets-background-checks-employers-now-include-postings/story?id=13908874#.T0B0zvEgdNs.

Now, John, your question is particularly intriguing because it involves your having, in essence, an alias; that is, your fursona. My first questions to you, then, would be if there is any way that your real identity is easily linked to your fursona? For example, if someone googled your name, would they easily find web pages about your furry activities?

If not, then it is highly unlikely that an employer will find out you are a furry. Their main interests will be a criminal, financial, and educational background check. They will check your resume to see if it is factual, and call your references to see if you are being truthful about your experience and education. They will also probably google you on the Internet, and they could possibly check social network sites, especially Facebook and Twitter.

Most people out there have no knowledge of the furry community and would not even think to check this unless it popped up for some reason on a search under your real name.

On the other hand, if your name does pop up in association with your fursona, things might get a little dicey. As we all know, people outside the community often judge furries based on the furry porn that is out there; and, whether or not you post such material yourself, there is guilt by association. This is particularly a problem if there is any “baby fur” porn. That, I believe, would send up an immediate red flag to any potential employer and you would not get hired . . . or worse!

I don’t think the above scenario is very likely, however. Most routine checks will not be so thorough (and, of course, never volunteer such information); if you are not applying for a position that involves working with children, the disabled, or the elderly, or with a government agency or a large corporation with lots of proprietary information they wish to keep secret, you probably have nothing to worry about.

As for what professional furries do about their dual identities, I can tell you that I, for one, have had no problem with it, but that’s just me. If anyone out there reading the “Ask Papabear” column would like to share their experiences involving being a furry working in a non-furry environment, please share them by posting a comment using the form below. Thanks.

Good luck on your job search, John!

Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear, 

I have been in the fandom for a little over 2 years and have been making fursuits since then and have came to a very concerning problem and I need yet your advice on this issue.

My parents and close friends always have known I'm a furry and they recently found out about the more sketchy side of the fandom [yiff ect...] And they think it to be satanic, even the fursuiters [they happen to be very religious] And they are now beginning to think that I am a part of an occult, how do I explain to them that the fandom is not like this?

Thanks,
-Monty


Dear Monty,

Sex and the fandom is an issue that gets talked about a lot. Indeed, I have already touched on it in an earlier column.

It is a sensitive matter. Indeed, since you have only been in the fandom a couple years, you might not be aware of the schism it caused back a few years ago. Very briefly: back in the days when Confurence was still around, a bunch of furs decided they wanted to be taken very seriously as artists and this meant no porn at all. When they tried to be financially successful publishing G and PG art and fiction, they didn’t have much luck, and called themselves the “burned furs.” On the other side of the debate were the “frozen furs” (taking a name opposite “burned”) who had no problem with furry porn.

Anyway, the stress this divide caused eventually led to the death of Confurence, which eventually got revived as Califur. Meanwhile, over in Pennsylvania, Anthrocon (AC) was founded by the furs who wanted to avoid the X-rated stuff (though they acknowledge it). As you might know, AC is now the biggest furcon in terms of attendance.

So, when you say that “the fandom is not like this,” the truth is that part of the fandom does enjoy furry porn, while another part of the fandom does not.

Papabear’s personal opinion on this is that people (furries and nonfurries alike) who criticize furries who enjoy furry porn need to get a life. Sexuality is a normal, healthy part of human nature. As long as it is legal and between consenting adults (i.e., e.g., Papabear is against pedophilia, rape, and all forms of cruelty and abuse), then there is nothing wrong with it.

Let me emphasize, too, that furry porn has absolutely nothing to do with Satanism. Many narrow-minded people who do not understand or agree with something automatically label it as “evil,” “Satanic,” “obscene,” or other such epithets. I give you the current debate about same-sex marriage as a case in point.

The reality of human sexuality is complex. You and the people you know who are objecting to furry porn probably have no idea what kinds of crazy things go on in people’s minds when it comes to sex. Papabear assures you that, right now, as you read this, there are some straight-laced, right-wing, “moral and upstanding” American citizens out there doing some fabulously kinky things to each other that never go beyond closed doors, many of them more disturbing than any of the furry porn you might have seen.

A lot of what Papabear just wrote has little to do with your letter; he just wanted to get it out of the way for the record.

Monty, if you are not into furry porn, then that’s fine. There are many furries out there like you, and what you need to do is explain to your friends and family that you are not a furry who is into porn. Show them, if you haven’t already, the variety of sites out there that are clean, such as Furry4Life.com, Christian Furs (http://christianfurs.net/),  and many of the furcon websites out there. Explain to them that, just as there are nonfurry sites that are clean and nonfurry sites that have porn, there are furry sites with porn and those without it.

Would they condemn you as a pervert for using the Internet just because there are porn sites out there? Of course not. Similarly, they should not condemn you for being a furry just because some furry sites have porn on them.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope it helps!

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Should I be feeling the way I am?

Lately I've been feeling rather lonely, despite being with some of my closest friends. The thing is, they are all older than I am, older to the point where they can go places I can't. They always come back happy and tell me all about how much fun they had, while I was wondering if they were going to text back. I can't help but feel left out whenever that happens, and every time it hurts a little, because I want to be part of the fun too, but I just cant.
Recently, one of them - One I was really close with - Came back telling me they met someone they can 'have for their own', and they always used to hug me and say 'mine'.. I cant help but feel abandoned or replaced now, and nothing has made me feel any better.
On top of it all, I love one of them, but I just get the feeling it's not mutual, he says he likes me a [lot] too, but he always seems to be too busy to say anything to me, if I don't start the conversation, it doesn't happen. As if to emphasize that, he was in town a couple days ago, but he never said anything to me, nor did he say he was even coming in. I was left at home, as always, wondering if he would text back.
It wasn't until this morning that he did, and still he hardly said anything. He never even mentioned he was in town, the only reason I knew he was was because he was with one of my other friends, and they were talking about it.
All of these things have just been making me feel more and more depressed, to the point where I don't want to do anything, eat, sleep, talk to anyone, I just want to sit alone, and the worst part about it is no one asks if I'm okay, because they hardly say anything to me anyways.
Should I be feeling like this or am I just being melodramatic?

Blitz.

[Papabear needed a little more information before answering Blitz, so he emailed him back, sending him a hug and asking for a little more detail. Blitz wrote back the following.]

*Hugs back tight*

I turn 16 this year.

Its not that I have trouble making friends with people my age, I can, and I have, but with any of my friends closer to my age, I just can’t show any kinds of feelings like I can for my furrier, older friends. I haven't known them all for too long (almost a year now) but even so, I know them and they know me more than my other friends, I can hug them and it’s not awkward, and with them anything like cuddles or snuggles is practically second nature. Most of them are aged around 21, except for the one who I feel closest with, the one who I have such deep feelings for. He turns 18 this year, so not a huge age difference, but it is enough I guess.
He is the only person I've ever met who I feel comfortable talking to on any subject.

I haven't said much to anyone because of course they'll try to include me more, but it would be to make me feel better, not necessarily because they really want to.

They don't do a lot of going to bars, or even drinking for that matter, it's just that they do things I can't, or they just choose not to include me.
As far as words, I am a very quiet person, to anyone. I just don't say much, I'm shy.

There is a meet that happens every year around here, and they've all said they want me to come, but, do they really?

For most of them, we all like to snuggle, cuddle, hug, and then we all like to go to the mall, or go see a movie, or go out to eat, the usual.

It's probably not the way it should be, but all of my fur friends, they mean so much more to me than any of my friends from school. Sure, I could do any of the above with my friends from school, but not all of it feels right, hugging, snuggling, cuddling, etc, I can't do with my friends from school, it just wouldn't feel the same.

I don't want it to be the way it is, but if I say this stuff to them, whether you think so or not, it would be like I'm guilt-tripping them. Yes, they would treat me different, but I don't want to be the one changing that.
And because of how close I am with most of them, they're not friends I can just say goodbye to.

* * *

Hi, Blitz,

This does seem like a fairly complicated situation you’re in. It sounds like your friends from school who are more your age are not furries, while your older friends are. You don’t say so directly, but it also sounds like you might be gay or bi and that some of your older furiends are as well, and you all like to snuggle and cuddle and such, which is nice. Even if you are straight, furries are very huggy creatures, openly affectionate, while nonfurries are not so much.

I’m still not clear on why it is that you can’t go and do the same things as your older friends. It doesn’t sound as if they are going anywhere that is age-restricted. You say they do things that you can’t, which, again, is not clear, unless you are suffering from some sort of physical disability that prevents you from doing these things. It doesn’t sound as if you are, since it sounds like you are perfectly capable of doing things with your same-age school buds, if you wished to, and you clearly wish to be included in your furiends’ activities, as well.

*Deep breath.* Okay, the way that Papabear is reading this is that your older furiends like to snuggle and hug you on their own good time, but they like to do things with people their own age when they go out on the town and don’t want to include you for whatever reason when they do this.

HOWEVER, when it comes to the annual furmeet, they want to include you. So, Papabear is going to interpret your email to mean that when the older furs are doing stuff without you, it is stuff that is not involving furries and they are embarrassed to have you tag along because of your age (in the teen years, a couple years’ difference is a big deal, whereas it isn’t so much later in life). BUT, when it is a furry event (and all furries know that everyone is welcome at a furmeet), then it is okay for you to come and they are not embarrassed.

In other words, these people are your friends when it is time to be a furry, and they are not being good friends when they are not doing furry things.

Papabear believes that when they asked you to come to the furmeet with them, they were sincere. They like you as a furry, and, if I were you, I would not believe that the invitation was just extended as a kind of charity.

It is wonderful to have furry friends, and many people join the fandom to find friends within it, and they do! However, Papabear believes that TRUE friends are those who are your friends both within and without the Fandom. Friends want to be with you at a furmeet, at the movies, in a restaurant, with their families, or wherever they might be because they like you for you. True friends do not make you feel lonely, rejected, and like a burden.

You say you are a shy person, and Papabear believes that, judging by your two letters. Even though it might be difficult for you, the best way to resolve your discomfort about your relationship with your furiends, including the one you feel so much love for, is to tell them how you feel. Lack of communication is the single biggest cause of trouble within any relationship, whether it is with a family member, a friend, a lover, or a spouse.

Please try talking to your furiends about how you feel. If they really are your friends, they might be a bit surprised by what you say, because they might not realize there is a problem, but they will still love you and hopefully include you in their activities.

If, on the other hand, they accuse you of being a “drama queen” and they reject your feelings as not being legitimate (and they ARE legitimate feelings!), then these people are not the kind of friends you need in your life. That might be harsh, and it might not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

As for friends your own age, while you might not know any furries at school, believe Papabear when he tells you that there are plenty of furries your own age out there. You just need to find them. I would recommend you do so, no matter which way it works out with your older furiends.

Good luck, Blitz. Papabear wishes you the best.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hi Papabear,

I've been apart of the furry community for a while now, but I never met a furry until I moved here about 3 months ago. I was searching to try and meet furries, and soon I found some and was integrated into a nice little furry circle of friends. I love it and they are all awesome. But other furries that are part of the official group and aren't in our circle of friends are for some odd reason bringing up drama from the past and it's gotten to the point where I may now be unwillingly involved and threatened to involve another furry friend of mine, scaring her to the point of leaving all of the fur groups and blocking everyone on FB who was a furry until this blew over.

The stuff that's happening is being blown way out of proportion and I want nothing to do with this other little group of troublemakers. All of this drama apparently started before I had joined and as much as my group of friends just want's nothing to do with it and back off, the other group has one individual that continues to harass us.

Me and my friends were debating dropping out of the current group and creating a new group just for us and people we invite to communicate and have fun without the drama and just forget about their harassment. But they were able to obtain things like my phone number and where I live when I don't store things like that on the internet. I also have the feeling that all they really want to do anyway is stir up drama. What should I do?

Thanks,

Troubled Fur



Dear Troubled Fur,

This is a little difficult for Papabear to answer as your letter does not give a lot of details, so it is hard to know exactly what is going on.  If I have this straight, you joined a group of furries that, apparently, had experienced a bit of drama with another “official” group of furries (not sure what makes their group more official than yours, but whatever) before you joined the group, and now this other group of furries won’t let it go, even though you have tried to put distance between you. It sounds, too, as if one furry in particular is causing most of the headaches.

It’s not clear to Papabear why they are targeting you, apparently, when you had nothing to do with the original issue. From what I can tell in your letter, it sounds like another case in which an irrational person wants to hurt other people in order to make him/herself feel better about his/her own life. In other words: a bully.

There are several ways of dealing with a bully. The best way, as you have already tried, is to ignore him or her until they get tired of trying to (unsuccessfully) annoy you and go away. Bullies thrive on attention, and they dry up and blow away like old dog feces in the desert sun when they are ignored.

Now, you don’t say that any of this has become physically threatening, so I will assume it hasn’t. On the other hand, it is very disturbing that, even though you did not make your contact information readily available online, this person has sought it out, found it out, and now has located you again and is again, apparently, bullying you.

Your next option is to confront the bully. Have you been able to talk to this person and try to straighten out the issue? Nine times out of ten, “drama” happens because of a misunderstanding. Effective communication can cause the other person to realize that he/she was all wrong and there was really nothing to be angry about.

Let’s say, next, that you either have tried to talk to this person and nothing was resolved, or you were unable to get them to talk to you. Now you are at the point where you need to double your efforts to cut this person out of your existence so you can get on with your life and have fun with your furiends.

The first thing you need to do is stop them from calling you. I’m sure you have already blocked them from contacting you online; now you can do the same thing with your phone. There are several apps you can download on your phone, including “Mr. Number” and “Call Block” that you can use to block someone from calling you from a particular number. These two are free, and there are also some that charge a small fee.  For your land line, if you have one, you need to contact your phone company, give them the offending number, and tell them to block it.

Now, if this person is actually coming to your HOME and harassing you, you have the law on your side. You can contact your local police and tell them you believe you are being stalked. You can even, in extreme cases, get a restraining order. You might, too, find out what your local cyberbullying and cyberharassing laws are. Recent tragedies have led lawmakers to beef up these laws to protect people who have reason to believe they are in serious danger. I’m not sure if this is the case with you—and I hope it isn’t!—but it can be your final resort.

An important step in making your case against being harassed is to document everything. Whenever this person calls you, write down the number, date, and time of the call and what transpired. If they send you emails or IMs, save them.  If they are writing you letters, save them.  If they come to your door, take pictures of them or record them on video, and if they ask you what you are doing, tell them you are keeping a record of what they are doing.

I really hope that the problems you are having with this bully are not that extreme and can be resolved with rational dialog, but I am trying to cover all the bases here, since I don’t know for sure what is going on.

If you can’t make this person go away by ignoring them, then do what Papabear does: get your grrr on! Stick up for yourself and defend your territory, which, in this case, is you and your friends having the right to enjoy being furries without fear of being harassed by petty people.

Good luck! Let Papabear know how it works out!

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Hello, Papabear.

Why are people so upset with the thought of a third gender?
Furries, etc, seem to be mostly fine with it.

I'm an androgynous pseudohermaphrodite ("shemale," in porn terms) and I like myself, but people always seem to have a problem with that... I didn't become this, I grew into it, for the most part.

Some research showed me that men don't like it when you're attractive for them, while having a penis and women don't like that you're not a valid prey for them... :\

Do you know the answer?

Thanks,

Jen.

Dear Jen,

Wow, this is a big question. There’s no way I could give a fully satisfactory answer within the scope of the “Ask Papabear” column, but I will try and provide a little basic insight.

From what you say above, you are a male pseudohermaphrodite, in which you appear to be female at first glance but you have a penis. (I believe “androgynous pseudohermaphrodite” is redundant, but I could be wrong).  Pseudohermaphroditism is sometimes called being “intersex,” in which a person exhibits some characteristics of both genders. It’s not so much a “third sex” as it is a combination of the other two.  There is also female pseudohermaphroditism (having ovaries but outwardly male in appearance) and true hermaphroditism (having both ovaries and testes). I’m writing this for the benefit of my readers; I’m sure you already are familiar.

As to why men and women may be uncomfortable with your being androgynous, the answer is pretty basic. Human beings, as with all animals, are biologically programmed to reject individuals who would not make viable reproductive partners. This is the same reason why many people are cruel to and reject people who are different from them in other ways.  Humans, no matter how much we aggrandize ourselves and believe we are superior to other species, are just animals with big brains.  We still behave in very fundamental ways, for the most part, that have to do with survival of the fittest and reproduction. The results can sometimes be hurtful. Let’s face it, humans still have some evolving to do.

Of course, in a happier world, we would have all evolved beyond such prejudices and accept others for what they are. What matters, as you know, is what’s on the inside. You, Jen, have clearly accepted yourself. You like yourself, and that is so wonderful! Some hermaphrodites opt for surgery, but you are staying true to yourself.

But now you have a really tough task. If you don’t want to be alone in your life, you’re going to have a challenging time finding someone who accepts you for you. This is certainly not impossible; it’s just going to be tough.

You might wish to consider checking out the Intersex Society of North American at http://www.isna.org/ which lists some support groups and has more information on the subject.

I hope this helps, Jen. Good luck!

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Being a big Johnny Depp fan I went to see the movie on the merits of him being in it alone. I ended up enjoying the movie on it's own grounds and then being GREATLY surprised towards the end of the movie when younger Collens daughter turned into a werewolf and not a bad looking one either!!

Just putting this out there for any furs that have not seen the movie yet. I can't wait to get this on DVD so that I can cut out her scenes towards the end, sucks she was only in form all of 2-5min at best.

Lastly I have to say they did probably the best job at footpaws and digigrade legs I have ever seen in the movies, the rest of her form was still a good bit human though.

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