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Furry Is Thinking of Taking Himself Out of the Dating Scene
I'm Inu, I've seen the ad for 'Ask Papa Bear' lots of times but never had a chance to take a look, I suppose I could use a bit of advice, that is if your willing to offer some?
I Suppose my question would be.. I'm not sure if I should even keep looking for a mate, or anything worth getting close to.. Should I even bother attempting to stay in the field and find that special someone? I've had some pretty bad relationships in the past, the very first boyfriend I ever had I was a Freshman in High School, that is where I originally game out to being gay to everyone. because basically my BF at the time forced me to come out. Anyway we broke up mainly because he moved, but he had introduced me to someone else who was his ex. well we somewhat hit it off.. then about a year later I found out he wanted to have a "break" away from relationships and anything sexual, which was fine and dandy for me... but I found out a few days later he was dating someone else behind my back so I severed any ties I had left with him. Then I found someone online that I fell head over heals with. I've known him for a long time 7+ years since I first met him on Furcadia back when it was still somewhat new, it wasn't until that my 2nd bf broke up wit me that I asked him t be my mate, I figured an online relationship wouldn't hurt me as much if we broke up later on for some weird reason.
Well.. I was wrong it did hurt because I was Torn between him who at the time I was still with, and someone else I met IRL... Though back in the past we both made a promise to each other saying that if we found someone In real Life that we could date them considering it would be hard to meet up together since we both lived on separate sides of the US. Anyway well I broke up with him (lets call him Mike) for this guy I met IRL (lets call him James). Well... at first Mike took it well... then later on it took its toll on him.. to the point where he almost committed suicide... and I showed no remorse to him because at the time he was extremely rude towards me and James, which of course was understandable but it got to the point of Threatening and so I severed ties with my friend Mike of 7 year friendship because of this...
Well about a year later James and I Broke up because the sexual activities between up started to diminish, and he didn't like it. so he found another play buddy which I knew about and I was okay with it for a while to where it got to the point where he was bragging about everything they did together... Suffice to say.. he left me for this other guy and started doing his drugs and cutting himself again (I forgot to mention, before James and I started dating.. he was somewhat self destructive and I had stopped him by showing him love.) Well like I said once we broke up he started doing it again and well we stopped talking... I tried going back to mike, mainly for forgiveness due to the fact I had ignored him for over a year especially when he tried committing suicide.
while I was gone, he had found solace in someone else, which I understood as well and I was not trying to break them up.. I was happy he found someone. But this guy was controlling his life.. he always demanded Mike to not speak to me and if he did he would delete anything associated with me from his accounts (he had control of all of Mikes accounts even the game he and I played for years together..) and Mike told me that he would let him too. well I took it somewhat hard because.. well I guess I deserved it for treating him bad... but it didn't seem right... he was keeping me from my childhood friend who I met when I was 14
Anyway this is long and convoluted... and I'm sorry if I'm confusing you.... but this whole story brings me to the question... I've had bad relationships does to bad choices I've made.. and I admit it... but I've tried looking for someone else but its hard and I'm starting to give up. I feel like I should just wait and see if some cute fox falls into my lap or something..
I will also say that, I love cuddling and stuff but it gets to the point for me that if I have it all the time I get bored of it... and I get cranky... there's no excitement (and by excitement I'm also talking sexual stuff as well)in seeing the person I’m with when he’s there all the time does that make me a horrible person as well? I dunno... I just sometimes feel like I had a father figure IRL who would come up to me and hold me telling me everything is okay.. I no longer have family and I moved out of my house when I was 20 when my mom passed away.. I've been living with friends till I finally got my own place. I'm a survivor.. I'll get passed these road blocks.. but like I said... nothing beats loving family to hug and hold you telling you everything will be alright.... *sighs and cries a bit*
I'm sorry papa... all dominant male figures in my life seem to avoid me... so ill leave you alone and thanks for listening I suppose I've needed to get this off my chest for a while...
Inu
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Dear Inu,
Catharsis can be a therapeutic thing. Sometimes we just need to get it all off our furry chests. I’ve received a number of letters from readers who just want to vent (they don’t tend to be posted on my website). Now that you have vented your frustrations, allow me a brief word of advice or two.
Reading over your letter a couple times does give me a headache, honestly. I’ve seen less drama in an episode of “Dallas.” So, okay, we have “Mike,” a guy who tries to kill himself and later gets into a relationship with a control freak, and then we have “James,” a drug addict who is into cutting himself. Neither one of these guys sounds very emotionally stable, to say the least. Not to mention the other guy who says he wants to take a break from relationships only to then get caught with another guy, making him an obvious liar; there’s also your first boyfriend who forces you to come out of the closet even though you might not have been ready for it at the time.
The problem isn’t that there aren’t guys out there in the world for you; the problem is you’re making some pretty bad judgments in character. This makes me wonder what your criteria are for finding a boyfriend. If they are purely physical in nature, then that would go a long way toward explaining why your boyfriends tend to be, well, less than ideal when it comes to personality.
You need to take a long look at why you pick the people you do to be your boyfriend. What is motivating you? Do you go out with the first guy who says “yes” to your overtures for partnership? If so, you should be more discriminating. Look for someone who shares your values; someone who doesn’t do drugs, who doesn’t lie and cheat, who has enough self-respect not to do himself harm, someone who actually cares about you, too, and wants to have an equal partnership where both parties benefit from and love each other.
Until now, you’ve been picking at the low-hanging fruit, the stuff that comes off in your paw when you tug at it but makes a mess. Get a ladder and make a little effort to find that perfectly ripened citrus at the top of the tree, glistening in the sunlight.
Don’t give up on dating. Instead, redouble your efforts to find someone worthy of the time it takes to create a great relationship.
Hugs,
Papabear
Daily Show: January 31, 2013 - Do not gloat when your enemy falls. Did you know you can influence how God will treat those who sin against Him? If you express joy, God may withhold judgement. - Hosts: Crimson X, Ice_Fire, Levi, Wolfin Podcast picture by S
Do not gloat when your enemy falls. Did you know you can influence how God will treat those who sin against Him? If you express joy, God may withhold judgement.
Hosts: Crimson X, Ice_Fire, Levi, Wolfin
Podcast picture by Silent Paw
Ep. 55 - Sherlock Homeless in: The Haunted Bath House Labrynth - This was a great episode. Nuff said. XD Lots of riffing on bath houses and crazy homeless peopl...
Here's a question....
So, I am an.... odd kid, and I wonder, "Am I weird for being a furry at age twelve?" I've searched around and the common age for furries, is at least 17, and from this info, I feel like an outcast. Either way, if it is uncommon, my actual account will still be subscribed, I just will lurk.
submitted by a-random-kid[link] [31 comments]
The Official VancouFur 2013 Promotional Video
I can see this being a tee shirt at a furry con
Epic Mickey 2 Fizzles
Disney Interactive’s Epic Mickey video game was pretty popular — it even won an Ursa Major Award for Best Anthropomorphic Game. Admittedly, some folk complained about the fact it was only available for the Nintendo Wii system, but it sold well enough to be considered a moderate success in the gaming world. The follow up, Epic Mickey 2? Not so much, in spite of the fact that 2 was made available for many game platforms. Now comes the word (according to various articles) that sales of Epic Mickey 2 since its November 2012 launch were poor enough that Disney has decided to shutter Junction Point, the Texas-based game design firm that Disney purchased in 2007 to develop both the Epic Mickey games. From this point forward, Disney Interactive will instead focus their attention on Disney Infinity, the new figurine-based multi-character game (similar in some ways to Skylanders) which will premier in June.
image c. 2013 Disney Interactive
Furries and Music
Furries and music definitely have a thing going on. I’ve wanted to write about it for quite a while now, but I’ve never quite found the right entry point, the right way to piece together a story about how the two might connect. I actually started thinking about the current topic when Klisoura of Furry Survey lore was in town over the week between Christmas and New Years, and the topic came up of how furries have a tendency to consider themselves “ahead of the curve” when it comes to music, television, and video games, or even trying new things, yet do not necessarily consider themselves to be hip or paragons of pop culture (ref). While I’m really as much of a fan of new music as anybody out there in this subculture, I wasn’t quite sure how well this held up. What the data seem to be saying is that furries showed a tendency to eschew popular culture in favor of the type of things that would become popular culture. While some of our number may fit within that category, it’s oddly specific for a subculture that doesn’t, at its roots, have as necessary an intersection with popular culture as might, say, the fans of an actual genre of music, television series, or video game.
A survey is a survey, though, and can only really tell so much about those who really should be telling the story. I turned, instead, to Twitter, and invited an email barrage on myself to see what those who had the stories to tell had to say about the matter, asking “Do you think furries are more or less musical than non-furs?” and “Do you think furries are ahead of the curve in terms of music?”.
Let me take a step back and say that I’ve always been kind of fascinated with the relationship that furries have with music. I spent the time and money (lots of the latter) needed to get a bachelor’s degree in music composition, so I’ve always been, as I glibly put it on Twitter, super into music, and so I’d always wondered if maybe it was the crowd that I hung out with that was influencing my perceptions of furries as rather musically oriented folks, or if maybe it was just everyone. Another thing that piqued my interest, however, was the visible importance of music at conventions and in every-day chatter. The latter could be explained away by the fact that a lot of folks within furry aren’t going to spend every second role-playing, of course, they’re going to have conversations about the things that interest them, and music is a natural topic even outside the fandom. The former, however, intrigued me, even after I started regularly attending conventions. There were dances every night. There were dance competitions, dance competition try-outs, dance competition out-takes, dancing in the fursuit parade, dancing for no reason. Music seemed to be everywhere, from panels to the dealer’s den, and it all made me pretty happy, if curious.
Furries, like everyone can be broken down into two, very rough, categories when it comes to things like music: creators and consumers. The act of creation plays a big role within the fandom, of course. Given that we are, as was famously put, “fans of each other”, we rely primarily on our own membership to create the art and stories appreciated within our subculture. Within music, however, things are a little more gray. The question of whether or not there is such a thing as furry music and what might define it is one for someone else to answer, but needless to say, there are still plenty of furry musicians. There are several out there that create music within the context of furry, post their music to FA, or perform at conventions (such as the jazz combo SuperPack at FC a week and change ago). “[T]he environment seems more conducive to the sharing of content in general, music included. Furry musicians have a built-in audience they can reach that many other aspiring artists might not.” Vincent writes, and I think this is an apt description of at least part of the reason there is a music scene within our fandom, or indeed within many subcultures.
There’s one more smaller subset we should probably take into account given the popularity of dances and the like at cons, not to mention the relative popularity of electronic music within the fandom, and that’s the wide variety of furry DJs out there. The reasons for the popularity of this pursuit are varied, and hinted at by several of those who wrote back. Technological aptitude, diversity, a focus on sharing, and interest in EDM (electronic dance music) as trends within our subculture may help guide many toward DJing as a mode of expression, and notably as a way of sharing things important to themselves.
Beyond simply creating or creatively mixing music, though, we are avid consumers of music, at least commensurate with our strongest demographics. Soto writes, “From a consumption standpoint, I haven’t found furries to deviate much from their non-furry counterpoints in the same demographics. For example, age group. Furries as a whole may be more passionate about music and stay more current with trends, but furries as a whole have that lovely age-skew toward the late teens and twenties, and that age group is generally pretty up on their music as it stands.” That is to say, we’re helped along by some of the categories that many of our members belong to in listening to and exploring music with the sort of enthusiasm that goes along with connoisseurship.
So, what about my two questions? As hinted about in the previous quote, opinions are mixed on the question of whether or not furries are more musical than their non-furry counterparts. In fact, after reading many of the responses, I don’t think the question should be whether or not furries are more musical than their counterparts, but whether or not they have the conception that they are. Zenuel offers, on the positive side, “I like to think that the fandom simply offers more open and honest states of being[...]; a furry posts to a more receptive community like FurAffinity they generally receive more encouraging feedback, as well as having the backing of freedom that the fandom presents to the artist in question.” Vincent acknowledges this, but warns, “This is a pro and a con, I’ve always seen furry as something of a ‘hugbox’ where criticism isn’t forbidden, but it certainly isn’t forthcoming. I’ve found that (at least in the realm of DJing) it’s very, very hard to get good technical feedback on how to improve, and in many instances subpar mixing is lauded as exceptional.”
One advantage that we do have that we gain from being a decently coherent subculture is the fact that we are rather diverse in ways unrelated to some of our stronger demographics. That is, age and gender aside, our diversity in terms of backgrounds, social status, education, and so on does help us with the ways in which we deal with music. As Wolfdawn put it, “just being part of a diverse and unusual subculture would have to be a big [plus], since that alone makes people more likely to have been exposed to wider range of musical interests as they’re shared among friends.” I noticed a similar effect outside of furry when I moved away from my rather homogeneous upbringing and high school to college, where much more diversity was to be found. College was where I expanded beyond my own choral background into genres, classical and not, far beyond what I was used to. Furry was much the same, and in fact, much of this article was written listening to a playlist composed almost entirely of music suggested to me by cats, dogs, and all sorts of fuzzy creatures. In other words, are we more musical than the non-furries that surround us? Probably not. However, do we consider ourselves more musical than those around us at least in part because of furry? Often times, I think so, and a lot of these responses echo that sentiment.
As to the second question, you’ll note that I put “ahead of the curve” above in quotes. These weren’t meant to be scare-quotes, necessarily, but I would like to highlight something before I get too far. It’s always very important to pay attention to the ways in which language is used. I know, I write about words a lot (using, of course, as many words as I can), but when I responded to the onslaught of emails with the two questions, I tried to do so using language that would invite people to provide longer, rather than shorter answers, because I think that the thoughts of those being asked are much more interesting than simple yes-or-no answers on the subject. It’s the way that people interpret the questions they’re asked, sometimes, that provides a lot of the answer. I understand that “ahead of the curve” can be a little misleading in terms of being able to provide a concise answer, and I’m sure I could’ve worded it better besides, but the answers I received in reply more than made up for it in their thoughtful and well-put responses.
Are we ahead of the curve? A lot of folks who replied indicated that no, we’re not really all that ahead of the curve, at least not moreso than we might necessarily be given some of our demographic skews. There are a couple of reasons behind this, and one of the big ones is that the Internet and mass media in general hasn’t benefited only furries. “The increased visibility of various scenes took away the relative advantage having a community that encourages sharing,” writes Vincent, and this is echoed by a lot of my own perceptions: my composition professor went on a ‘where is the drop?’ joke spree with almost all of his students once dubstep became a more visible part of the music scene around us (the idea of being separate, here, due mostly to the fact that we were being classically trained in composition). That aside, however, Branwyn suggests that many “are in the same arena as non-furs – they consume music in the same way, influenced by the same sources, regardless of quality.” That is, being furry does not necessarily influence the ways in which we appreciate music, so much as some of the content that we listen to. We listen to the things our circle of friends listen to, in all probabilities, and I believe that much the same happens when it comes to visual art, for that matter; we don’t enjoy visual art that much differently (though we do sometimes place quite a bit of importance on a visual representation of a character – ref), so much as enjoy the things that our chosen family and circle of friends also enjoy.
A possible explanation for all of this is offered by Forneus: “Furries are, I would argue, more musical than the mean, but not moreso than other geek subcultures.” We are, of course, not the only subculture based almost solely around a shared, intense interest. The My Little Pony fandom has created a wealth of their own music, not to mention filking, which as a long and well-established tradition. Several of those who responded to the questions touched on the points of geekdom and technology, along with their ties to the fandom. One respondent talked at length about the fact that there are readily available tools on the market now, and, despite the fact that many, given such tools, will create music that might not be the best in terms of musicality and technical ability, they are still creating quite a bit (my own experiences with Reason are a testament to this, of course). “I think that if you put the tools in front of furries, they are more willing to try creating music than regular people,” echoes Nathaniel Hahn; this does well at pointing out the fact that, rather than being more innately musical or musically hip, we may simply be focused on putting something out there given the tools we have for our subculture to enjoy.
Satori sums it up well, “We have geeks of all kinds, and some geek on their music. Others are too into geeking on other things that they don’t make the time for it much.” We’re just us, in the end. We’re a good mix of musical and non-musical fuzzies, no more or less of a mix than the world at large. We have things working to our advantage, such as our broad social circles, diversity, geekdom, the Internet, and so on, but no matter how large a part music plays within the fandom, we’re still just us, and some of us will create, and others will consume. We’re no less interesting for being a good mix, of course, and music does still appear to be quite important to us, but in the end, we’re plenty good at focusing on being and appreciating animal folk.
Taking another stab at drawing an anthro OC
Grandmother Is Giving Her Grief over Boyfriend
Hello, as you can tell my name is Mai Tsukino. As of now I've been going through a really rough patch in my life and I cannot seem to shake it. I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice as to better handle my problem.
Very recently I had broken up with my ex-mate, to which was a smart idea as he was very controlling and lived in a different country than I; but not even shortly after the break up, I found someone else. He has been very kind and has treated me well and does all he can to make me happy, which has been a great help, but yet a hindrance as well. Let me explain it a little bit better.
I was living with my grandparents, both of which are strong Christians and are good people, but they also try and force their beliefs onto me. I am not very religious, not to say I don't believe there is something out there, I just do not believe in God as they do. I respect everyone's beliefs, but my grandmother, Gram, believes I do not OR she believes I'm her Christian granddaughter. I'm not quite sure which, but I'm leaning more towards the Christian granddaughter.
That's part of what caused this huge problem.
Gram heard about my break up and she was thrilled, mainly as she did not like my ex-mate and his language, not that I can blame her too much. But she also said she liked it because she believed I would not get pregnant over the relationship. So in some aspects I understand what she means, but yet I'm so very confused. I have just learned to go with it in all honesty. However, once Gram learned of my new mate she seemed extremely happy. Her eyes had lit up, she seemed to be in a MUCH happier state.
After I had ended classes, as I'm in college, he and I went to my grandparents' place to meet them. I wanted to introduce him and such so that way Gram could get to know him a bit better. We went to dinner and he talked about himself. I did not know if it was good or bad, but not even a few days later I had helped him.
My mate is not in the best of conditions with money. His family is in very low income and sometimes cannot afford certain things, such as food or gas for him to get to class. That said, I had done something EXTREMELY stupid on my part. The car he was in had ran out of gas and his mother asked me to push their car with my grandmother's car. I stupidly agreed and that was my biggest mistake yet. He did get to class on time, but I also got into trouble for pushing the car with the car I was driving.
Nothing was damaged, but it was a dumb mistake. After I got the car to a gas station, which was just down the road a little ways, I gave them $16 USD to put in the car. Once Gram found out she through a HUGE fit about it. She said that they were taking advantage of me and that they should have had the money in the first place.
That was NOT the reaction I was hoping for. I say that as Gram runs a Food Pantry, that is for those who need food and cannot afford it. She also taught me to help others in need and do what you can. I thought she would be proud of me for HELPING. I do understand that pushing their car was stupid. I still acknowledge it and still feel horrible for it, and it has been at least 2 months since it happened.
Now the big problem has arisen. Gram had insulted my mate and his family almost every night after that incident. She called them filthy, poor, and manipulative. I had become very upset and depressed, almost like when I was with my ex-mate. I would cry for hours because it hurt when she insulted him. It's because I feel connected to him, more than I have with any other person in my life. I feel as though I'm being insulted as well for liking him. It hurts because I don't want anyone to hurt him.
Soon Gram had asked me a question after I had stayed at his place for 4 days. "Are you being slutty?" I looked at her and snapped, I don't remember fully what I said, but I believe it was something along the lines of, "Thanks for calling me a slut!"
It did not help that I had to go to class when she asked me that, because I was crying and wanted to just kill myself. It was horrible because she continued to bother me about things similar to that. Then one night, just before I was going to visit my mate for a week, Gram was talking with me. She called him dirty, poor, and manipulative once again, along with his family. I told her that they weren't and such, but she would not hear it. I started to cry again, and just as she left she said something along the lines of, "Fine! Go get pregnant!"
After that I felt betrayed. I was crying and curled up in the chair I was in. I could not help but wish to die. All I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. I was crying so much that I almost committed suicide. I stopped because I knew that it was taking the easy way out and that it would hurt my mate if I did.
By now I had stayed with my mate and his family. Gram was calling me and such, getting on my nerves because she continued to view them as evil. Then one night at exactly 11:38 PM she called me. She sounded like she was crying, but yet it sounded so fake.
"Are you okay?! Are they holding you against your will?!"
I paused, trying to keep composure as it almost made me laugh.
"THEY ARE!"
I told her they weren't and that it was 11:30 at night and that I was going to bed. I then hung up on her and went to bed.
Since then I felt that she just wanted to control how I lived. I say that as I was spoiled rotten. She would wait on me and such, to which now I realize was completely selfish of me. However, I also felt that it was... Right in a way. She is my grandmother, someone I would visit as a little girl. She'd do that for me every day. It was sort of programmed in my head, and I realize that now.
Now I have decided to move in with my mate. It has been rough, but yet I feel like it was right. Gram was making me cry every night about how she hated my mate and his family. I just had no home to go to that did not feel... Like I was being bullied.
Since moving in with my mate, I've learned to be more self reliant. I'm still selfish and do want to be waited on, but I'm growing up more. I help do dishes, I help clean up, I help watch the animals. And when we have to watch three little girls, to which I'd rather not go into full detail about, I help.
But I'm also feeling like I'm a bit of a slave too. It's different because I've been helping pay for the diapers when the girls are there, I help get milk. I do a LOT of the shopping and I'm not even able to have ALL my money. It's because Gram decided that since I was making an irrational move in seeing my mate she'd take all my savings.
She believes that I'd spend it on wasteful things. I explained to her that I wasn't and that the money was going for a car, to which we planned. I had no other plans so her taking all that money felt wrong and I don't believe she had, let alone has, the right to be doing that to me. Though, she has and I'm only left with a little bit of my money to pay for rent that I have for living with my mate.
I even have gone to my doctor, mainly for a physical and such, but my grandmother had even contacted him! I found out because he told me and then he even said he had read the letter, which I later found out was against some privacy policy. I'm starting to get a bit uneasy with EVERYTHING and it's becoming... Bothering.
Now my big question is, has all of this happened to tell me that I've done something wrong? I ask because I feel that I've done a LOT and haven't gotten much in return. I do love being with my mate, but I also feel like... I'm being forced into things and I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm just working and not going to get things back. I would like to know your opinion because I'm starting to doubt a lot of people, even myself.
Thank you,
Mai Tsukino
PS: Sorry for the long question.
* * *
Dear Mai,
I don’t have Gram’s side of the story, but from what you are saying here she is guilty of three things: 1) trying to control your life with threats (taking away promised savings), 2) having a double standard about helping others (she runs a food pantry yet is very condescending about the poor), and 3) calling you a slut. None of these is very flattering toward her character, unfortunately, and the name calling is particularly offensive. She clearly doesn’t trust your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. This is not to say she doesn’t love you; I’m sure she does. However, some people have funny notions about what love is. Your Gram is being overprotective, and her fears about your safety are causing her to react in a bad way.
As for you, it sounds like you have learned to be a giving and kind person. I understand, too, that in the past you enjoyed being taken care of by your Gram and that you might feel a bit miffed that you are doing a lot for your boyfriend now and not getting much help back. These are natural emotions. I’ve felt them myself at times. What you need to do is decide for yourself whether or not your love for your mate trumps any financial and other difficulties your relationship demands of you. There are many people out there who lead financially stable and comfortable relationships but who feel unloved. Usually, when you ask them, they would rather have someone who loves them and have little money to spare than to have lots of money and feel utterly alone and unloved. Not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.
You need to make that decision. How much do you love this mate of yours? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel loved in return? Or, do you think he is just taking advantage of you and making you help around the house and assist with finances?
Either way, that is for you to determine, not your Gram. I think you are old enough to find your own path, and she is not helping. You need to talk to her and tell her, without prevarication, how she has made you feel (and without shouting) and that what she has been doing has been damaging your relationship. Tell her you know she loves you and you love her, but she is hurting you. Does she really wish to hurt you? She might not be aware of what she is doing.
To summarize this answer, no, you haven’t done anything wrong. You just need to get your bearings and figure out better where you stand, both with your Gram and with your mate.
Let me know how it goes. Good luck!
Papabear
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