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He Feels He Must Hide His Furry Side for His Family, but Is It Worth It?
Dear Papabear,
I happen to be the only fur in my family. The rest of my family hates furries so I have to hide the fact that I am one. As a result, I often feel disconnected from my family and suffering from clinical depression just makes it worse. I feel like I have to hide who I am in order to get any acceptance from them. I love being a furry and wouldn't want to stop, but at the same time if it makes my family life miserable, is it worth it? Any advice would be appreciated.
Nite Mastr
* * *
Greetings, Nite,
You may have already read some of my letters in the Coming Out Furry category in which I talk about how telling your family you’re furry largely depends on their attitudes. Well, you already know their attitudes, which are, sadly, very negative. So this is a good opportunity to discuss what comes next in more detail.
Papabear recently had a bad experience that is relevant to this conversation. Someone I care about who has been a big part of my life recently learned that I was a furry by stumbling over some stuff on the Internet about me that talked about my real name (I don’t hide on the Internet, but I don’t advertise my human identity, either). Now, “Pat,” as I will call him or her to protect their identity, is a lovely person but very normal and straight-laced and I didn’t think that Pat would handle the news well. Because I still wanted Pat in my life, I decided not to divulge my furry side in this case.
Apparently, Pat has taken this news very badly and hasn’t talked to me since finding out. There could be two reasons for this: 1) Pat is disturbed by furries and doesn’t like that I am one, or 2) Pat is upset that I didn’t explain I was a furry and was hiding something, feeling this is a violation of trust. If the reason is #1, then that pretty much explains why I didn’t tell Pat because I didn’t want to lose the friendship. If the reason is #2 and Pat is fine with my furriness but upset about my failing to reveal this side of me, then I’d have to say that the identity card always has two sides to it. If Pat is trying to take the moral high ground, I happen to know that there are a couple of secrets in Pat’s life that were hidden from people important to Pat. Perhaps I was wrong to conceal my furriness, but it was a judgment call I had to make (and, once made, can’t reverse) and that, at the time, I thought was correct.
So, why am I telling you about my life as an example? To show you the two scenarios of coming out. Number 1 is the most obvious one, but number 2 is more subtle. Your family might see your hiding your furry side as a violation of trust, even though I’ll bet you $100 and a couple of pots of honey that they have secrets of their own.
You ask whether being a furry is worth it, then. That depends on you. There is an increasing number of furries in the community who have only joined the fandom because they think it’s cool in an outrageous way and they want to be part of something different. These are the people who eventually abandon furries because they have “grown up.” They are posers. If you are a poser, then no, it is not worth it for you. Go do the stuff the other “normal” people do and forget about furry.
Then there are the real furries. These are the people for whom furry is a part of their being, their essence. They will be furries their entire lives. That’s me. I was a furry before I knew what the heck it was (and before the modern fandom was even formed). And once I learned about furries I was like “WOW! There are other people out there like me!” And I never looked back. Have I had to hide it from some people? As you saw above, yes, I have. Does it upset me some that I did so? Yes, it does, but here’s the thing: I am a furry, but I am many other things, too. I am a son and a brother; I am a writer and an editor; I am a friend and a lover; I am a seeker of spiritual truth and a lover of animals; I am an artist who is fascinated by science. These are all things I can share with people who cannot handle the furry thing.
You are more than just a furry, Nite. When you are with your family, be a son, brother, grandson, cousin, nephew. Hopefully, there are things you like to do with your family that don’t involve the fandom, like maybe going fishing, or to a concert, or shooting hoops, going to church, or playing video games. These are all things you can share with them.
The point is we are not simple creatures with one pair of genes. We are all complex individuals with many things to offer to the world. Think of yourself as a chameleon who can do more than change color. When you are with your family, your chameleon form takes the shape of a family member; when you are with other furries, suddenly you grow fur and a tail. Take the case of Pat again. Pat might be under the misconception that all the other things I revealed to Pat were somehow a lie because they didn’t involve my being furry. But that’s not true. All the other parts of me are just as real as my furry side, and that included my friendship.
Take this lesson in life with you: as you grow as a person, don’t be a judgmental jerk like your family. Accept people for who they are (and learn to forgive) and you will have evolved beyond the gene pool from which you emerged.
I hope that helps. Bear hugs to you!
Papabear
I happen to be the only fur in my family. The rest of my family hates furries so I have to hide the fact that I am one. As a result, I often feel disconnected from my family and suffering from clinical depression just makes it worse. I feel like I have to hide who I am in order to get any acceptance from them. I love being a furry and wouldn't want to stop, but at the same time if it makes my family life miserable, is it worth it? Any advice would be appreciated.
Nite Mastr
* * *
Greetings, Nite,
You may have already read some of my letters in the Coming Out Furry category in which I talk about how telling your family you’re furry largely depends on their attitudes. Well, you already know their attitudes, which are, sadly, very negative. So this is a good opportunity to discuss what comes next in more detail.
Papabear recently had a bad experience that is relevant to this conversation. Someone I care about who has been a big part of my life recently learned that I was a furry by stumbling over some stuff on the Internet about me that talked about my real name (I don’t hide on the Internet, but I don’t advertise my human identity, either). Now, “Pat,” as I will call him or her to protect their identity, is a lovely person but very normal and straight-laced and I didn’t think that Pat would handle the news well. Because I still wanted Pat in my life, I decided not to divulge my furry side in this case.
Apparently, Pat has taken this news very badly and hasn’t talked to me since finding out. There could be two reasons for this: 1) Pat is disturbed by furries and doesn’t like that I am one, or 2) Pat is upset that I didn’t explain I was a furry and was hiding something, feeling this is a violation of trust. If the reason is #1, then that pretty much explains why I didn’t tell Pat because I didn’t want to lose the friendship. If the reason is #2 and Pat is fine with my furriness but upset about my failing to reveal this side of me, then I’d have to say that the identity card always has two sides to it. If Pat is trying to take the moral high ground, I happen to know that there are a couple of secrets in Pat’s life that were hidden from people important to Pat. Perhaps I was wrong to conceal my furriness, but it was a judgment call I had to make (and, once made, can’t reverse) and that, at the time, I thought was correct.
So, why am I telling you about my life as an example? To show you the two scenarios of coming out. Number 1 is the most obvious one, but number 2 is more subtle. Your family might see your hiding your furry side as a violation of trust, even though I’ll bet you $100 and a couple of pots of honey that they have secrets of their own.
You ask whether being a furry is worth it, then. That depends on you. There is an increasing number of furries in the community who have only joined the fandom because they think it’s cool in an outrageous way and they want to be part of something different. These are the people who eventually abandon furries because they have “grown up.” They are posers. If you are a poser, then no, it is not worth it for you. Go do the stuff the other “normal” people do and forget about furry.
Then there are the real furries. These are the people for whom furry is a part of their being, their essence. They will be furries their entire lives. That’s me. I was a furry before I knew what the heck it was (and before the modern fandom was even formed). And once I learned about furries I was like “WOW! There are other people out there like me!” And I never looked back. Have I had to hide it from some people? As you saw above, yes, I have. Does it upset me some that I did so? Yes, it does, but here’s the thing: I am a furry, but I am many other things, too. I am a son and a brother; I am a writer and an editor; I am a friend and a lover; I am a seeker of spiritual truth and a lover of animals; I am an artist who is fascinated by science. These are all things I can share with people who cannot handle the furry thing.
You are more than just a furry, Nite. When you are with your family, be a son, brother, grandson, cousin, nephew. Hopefully, there are things you like to do with your family that don’t involve the fandom, like maybe going fishing, or to a concert, or shooting hoops, going to church, or playing video games. These are all things you can share with them.
The point is we are not simple creatures with one pair of genes. We are all complex individuals with many things to offer to the world. Think of yourself as a chameleon who can do more than change color. When you are with your family, your chameleon form takes the shape of a family member; when you are with other furries, suddenly you grow fur and a tail. Take the case of Pat again. Pat might be under the misconception that all the other things I revealed to Pat were somehow a lie because they didn’t involve my being furry. But that’s not true. All the other parts of me are just as real as my furry side, and that included my friendship.
Take this lesson in life with you: as you grow as a person, don’t be a judgmental jerk like your family. Accept people for who they are (and learn to forgive) and you will have evolved beyond the gene pool from which you emerged.
I hope that helps. Bear hugs to you!
Papabear
Literature (of the) Anthro Variety!! - Like to read? Perhaps a writer yourself? Then this long a’waited extended lit’ discussion with Carni and Ramirus! (swear we were charging up the proverbial laser til’ Rams was on board for massive COMBO-BONUS,.. hone
Like to read? Perhaps a writer yourself? Then this long a’waited extended lit’ discussion with Carni and Ramirus! (swear we were charging up the proverbial laser til’ Rams was on board for massive COMBO-BONUS,.. honest!)
Literature (of the) Anthro Variety!! - Like to read? Perhaps a writer yourself? Then this long a’waited extended lit’ discussion with Carni and Ramirus! (swear we were charging up the proverbial laser til’ Rams was on board for massive COMBO-BONUS,.. honest!)
Categories: Podcasts
Upcoming furry comics for June 2013 (Previews and Marvel Previews)
Author: crossaffliction My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic garnered two spots on the February top-100 comic sales chart in this month; both issue #3 (which I wasn’t a fan of, but whatever) and the Twilight Sparkle Micro-Series issue (which I also wasn’t a fan of) made 45 and 62, respectively. Meanwhile, Adventure Time #13 lands [...]
Categories: News
Three comic book reviews: Pull List #10 (‘Avengers Arena,’ ‘MLP’ and ‘TMNT’)
Author: crossaffliction For this exciting, groundbreaking, unprecedented 10th issue we’ve got the two IDW stalwarts, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s the first issue of a brand new character based Micro-Series for the ponies, while the turtles’ on-going shows up for the eighth time in a Pull List! Joining [...]
Categories: News
A Little Sympathy for Trolls
Jay P. Fosgitt is a commercial and comic-book artist — among other projects he was the illustrator of Old McMonster’s Haunted Farm (written by Brent Erwin), which we made note of here previously. Now one of Jay’s latest projects (as writer and illustrator) is a full-color comic called Bodie Troll. “Jay’s creator-owned, all-ages comic set in the mythic village of Hagadorn and featuring a grumpy little troll named Bodie. While he aspires to be big and scary, he’s actually cute and cuddly, which confounds his attempts every time.” It’s available now from Red 5 Comics. Check out Jay’s web site to find out more about this and other projects, as well as his commission rates. Yes he does.
image c. 2013 Jay P. Fosgitt
Categories: News
Help finding 2 fursuiters!
I'm trying to find pictures of 2 fursuits I remember seeing quite a while ago. I don't know their names or their species, I just remember vaguely what they look like. One is mainly orange and the other is mainly blue (I think those are the colors, at least). They have various markings that are the same but are in different colors. Their eyes are half-circles and they look sort of unamused and sort of badass. They're fullsuits, and they're very high-quality. If anyone knows their names or can link me to pictures of them I'd really appreciate it!
Edit: I've found the suits I'm looking for, so in case you're curious what I was searching for, this is them.
submitted by xxxCAT[link] [2 comments]
Categories: News
![[link]](http://i.imgur.com/uVtxH0e.jpg){kind=link}
Is It Okay to Be Single and Happy about It?
Papabear,
I spent ten years in a dreadful emotional roller coaster of a relationship, but I have been a free man for over two years now, and at the risk of spewing a corporate jingle, I'm lovin' it.
I have a few ... *ahem* friends with benefits at the moment, but I'm not actively looking for anything more permanent. This surprises some people, but I don't feel any particular pressure to catch myself a husband or two any time soon. If the Universe decides to drop one in my lap, I won't complain, though.
Am I perhaps overreacting to the previous decade, or am I just being lazy? ;)
Stilghar
* * *
Hi, Stilghar,
It is actually the more well-adjusted person who can live happily alone in his/her own skin without the need for a mate. Personally, this bear has times when he enjoys being by himself and even gets a bit irritable when he doesn’t get the chance for some “me time.” (Yogi is great about this, actually, and gives me some space when I need it).
Although statistics and studies show that married couples tend to be somewhat more happy than singles, that doesn’t guarantee matehood will make you happy, especially considering that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Here’s an interesting article on the subject: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/married-people-happier-than-singles.htm. Also, people who have been through a divorce (e.g., me) have a harder time being happy, so, if you consider that, then getting married gives you a 50/50 chance of later becoming much less happy than the average person.
I find your attitude about this very refreshing. You are living your life on your terms and letting love find you rather than desperately seeking it out. I’ve always felt that the more desperate we are to find a mate, the more unappealing that makes us to potential mates. A couple of examples: before I met my mate and he was working in a news room there was this woman who kept hitting on him. He told her she was gay (it wasn’t a secret) and to leave him alone, but she was convinced she could convert him (she was also after his salary, I think). She kept hanging on him like some kind of leech, and her desperation made her look pathetic; thankfully, she eventually gave up.
Another case: again with a homosexual person—in this case, my sister. She was at a party once and, because she wasn’t squirting hormones of desperation out of all her pores like the other young women at the party, the men were drawn to her, chatting with her, and having a good time. She had about half a dozen surrounding her at one point because these guys found her appealing, which she is: she’s pretty and she’s intelligent. I’m sure there were other women there, too, who were bright and lovely, but they were on the prowl. It’s a turn off. I also recall a tenant my mother had named Susan. Susan was getting up in years and her “biological clock” was ticking. She wanted kids badly, so badly she started sleeping with almost anyone. These guys saw an easy mark and they would sleep with her and dump her. Sad.
Ironically, Papabear believes there is actually a higher chance of your finding a mate if you are not actively seeking one out. The reason is that, unlike other people, you won’t be looking in the wrong places, such as bars and online chat rooms. Instead, you will be out living your life, doing things you enjoy, where you are more likely to meet other people who enjoy the same things you do, which can lead to new friendships and even love.
I don’t think what you are doing is an “overreaction” to your split with your previous mate because it doesn’t sound like you are avoiding dates because you are afraid of them; rather, you are enjoying the single life, which is a healthy thing. You are not being lazy, either. If seeking out love sounds like a job to you, then that is a pretty strong clue you are not in the mood for it right now, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Enjoy your single life, your FWBs, and just being yourself. You have nothing to apologize for, you have no duties to fulfill to your fellow man, you are not obligated to have a spouse or devoted significant other. The only thing you should be concerned about is whether or not you are happy, and it sounds to this bear’s ears as if you are happy.
Hugs,
Papabear
I spent ten years in a dreadful emotional roller coaster of a relationship, but I have been a free man for over two years now, and at the risk of spewing a corporate jingle, I'm lovin' it.
I have a few ... *ahem* friends with benefits at the moment, but I'm not actively looking for anything more permanent. This surprises some people, but I don't feel any particular pressure to catch myself a husband or two any time soon. If the Universe decides to drop one in my lap, I won't complain, though.
Am I perhaps overreacting to the previous decade, or am I just being lazy? ;)
Stilghar
* * *
Hi, Stilghar,
It is actually the more well-adjusted person who can live happily alone in his/her own skin without the need for a mate. Personally, this bear has times when he enjoys being by himself and even gets a bit irritable when he doesn’t get the chance for some “me time.” (Yogi is great about this, actually, and gives me some space when I need it).
Although statistics and studies show that married couples tend to be somewhat more happy than singles, that doesn’t guarantee matehood will make you happy, especially considering that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Here’s an interesting article on the subject: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/married-people-happier-than-singles.htm. Also, people who have been through a divorce (e.g., me) have a harder time being happy, so, if you consider that, then getting married gives you a 50/50 chance of later becoming much less happy than the average person.
I find your attitude about this very refreshing. You are living your life on your terms and letting love find you rather than desperately seeking it out. I’ve always felt that the more desperate we are to find a mate, the more unappealing that makes us to potential mates. A couple of examples: before I met my mate and he was working in a news room there was this woman who kept hitting on him. He told her she was gay (it wasn’t a secret) and to leave him alone, but she was convinced she could convert him (she was also after his salary, I think). She kept hanging on him like some kind of leech, and her desperation made her look pathetic; thankfully, she eventually gave up.
Another case: again with a homosexual person—in this case, my sister. She was at a party once and, because she wasn’t squirting hormones of desperation out of all her pores like the other young women at the party, the men were drawn to her, chatting with her, and having a good time. She had about half a dozen surrounding her at one point because these guys found her appealing, which she is: she’s pretty and she’s intelligent. I’m sure there were other women there, too, who were bright and lovely, but they were on the prowl. It’s a turn off. I also recall a tenant my mother had named Susan. Susan was getting up in years and her “biological clock” was ticking. She wanted kids badly, so badly she started sleeping with almost anyone. These guys saw an easy mark and they would sleep with her and dump her. Sad.
Ironically, Papabear believes there is actually a higher chance of your finding a mate if you are not actively seeking one out. The reason is that, unlike other people, you won’t be looking in the wrong places, such as bars and online chat rooms. Instead, you will be out living your life, doing things you enjoy, where you are more likely to meet other people who enjoy the same things you do, which can lead to new friendships and even love.
I don’t think what you are doing is an “overreaction” to your split with your previous mate because it doesn’t sound like you are avoiding dates because you are afraid of them; rather, you are enjoying the single life, which is a healthy thing. You are not being lazy, either. If seeking out love sounds like a job to you, then that is a pretty strong clue you are not in the mood for it right now, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Enjoy your single life, your FWBs, and just being yourself. You have nothing to apologize for, you have no duties to fulfill to your fellow man, you are not obligated to have a spouse or devoted significant other. The only thing you should be concerned about is whether or not you are happy, and it sounds to this bear’s ears as if you are happy.
Hugs,
Papabear
Furry con surveyed on porn, fantasy, pets, politics & bronies
Author: GreenReaper Results have been released from an Anthropomorphic Research Project survey of 455 furs taken at Furry Fiesta 2013. 78% of females and 96% of males report viewing furry porn. Both groups underestimated both figures by 8-12%. Increasing furriness indicated a tendency to use fantasy for various purposes, including escapism, but didn’t indicate blurring [...]
Categories: News
Mino Monsters: Adorable Pokemon like game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_LDtI_BTfk&feature=player_embedded#!
Been playing this game for a while. It's free on I phone. Thought you furs might like it.
submitted by therealCatwheel[link] [comment]
Categories: News
Anyone running a Skype groups I can join? :3
Categories: News