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This article originally appeared on our sister site, Love ? Sex ? Fur on October 5th, 2013.

I’m a very big proponent of the idea that, for the most part, furry is simply a small slice of society at large. We have our skews, of course – the gender skew (towards men), the age skew (towards the 15-25 year old age range), as well as some other, minor skews such as general technical aptitude, or even species selection toward canids – but for the most part, we do not think or act so differently from the “rest of the world” that we cannot interface with it. Our chosen home and family may be more comfortable for us, but we do not exist separate from everyone else.

It’s not surprising in the least, then, that dating and relationships do form a part of our membership with this subculture. We think about it, we write about it, we join websites, make websites, or write litanies against websites focused on dating, relationships and love. It’s part of life, and so it is also part of the fandom. Given the subtitle of “Love and Sex in the Furry Fandom,” it is also part of our repertoire of subjects to write about, and so I think it’s high time that we took a moment to explore dating and relationships inside furry.

Much of what got me interested in writing about such things as this is the propensity of furries to center a good portion (if not all) of their social lives within the fandom. This does extend to dating and relationships as well: a casual observation points to the fact that many (though hardly all) furries seek out romantic relationships within furry itself as part of an aim to build a life within the social group that means so much to them.

This isn’t surprising, nor even new. It is far from uncommon for individuals to build up lives within the smaller communities of which they’re a part. Americans, after all, don’t simply have all of the American population available to them as a dating pool: they’re restricted by geography, of course, but they also tend to restrict themselves further by interest. Sports fans, hanging out with sports fans, are more likely to date other sports fans, and the same goes for gamers, hiking aficionados, dog lovers, et cetera, ad infinitum. That is what helps to build up strength within a subculture: members do not simply enjoy things on their own without communication, but share that enjoyment with others, and grow closer in the process.

In this sense, our membership acts as a sort of attractor in a complex or chaotic system. If we look to furry to form our strongest relationships, and forming strong relationships helps to strengthen furry, then it’s likely that furry will be a more likely place to look for those seeking to form relationships. As with all complex situations, this is not all that’s going on behind the scenes, but still a large part of it: a shared interest gives us something in common, and so we form bonds around that shared interest. The sense of community plays a large enough part, however, that we would be doing it a disservice not to recognize it.

So what do we gain from dating within the fandom? Of course, one of the more obvious benefits is a ready-made dating pool. That is, there are a large amount of visible potential partners out there. The visible aspect is particularly notable, and I think that this ties in with our heavy reliance on electronic communication. In person, a sports fan, gamer, hiking aficionado, or dog lover is not necessarily visible as such – it’s not tattooed on the front of their face nor written across their back (well, okay, appearal aside). Online, however, one need only compare the names and icons on a furry Twitter feed versus one dedicated to, say, tech. The preponderance of animal face icons or species in names is readily visible. We do have our outward signs of membership, and we can often see immediately when we are talking with a member of our subculture.

This is additionally relevant when it comes to learning more about each other. The ability to research our friends and potential partners is an activity that might come off as stalkerish if not for the quick and relatively simple ability to find out more about someone one is interested in via their FurAffinity/Weasyl/InkBunny profile, including even the type of art (or sex, for that matter) that they favorite or content producers that they follow on such sites. This is not to excuse actual stalking, of course, which is still a potential hazard within our subculture, but more on that in a few. The take-away here is that we live our lives publicly by virtue of participating so heavily via the Internet.

Additionally, there is added security in dating within the fandom, as no one necessarily has “that weird partner” that folks talk around rather than about. You know the one. The one that’s, for instance, super into animal people on the Internet. We gain security by starting and maintaining relationships that conform to the expectations and visions of our friends and social groups. That is, a relationship within the fandom is not considered non-conformist, and so we gain all the benefits of social conformity – at least, within the fandom – that go along with a socially conforming relationship outside the fandom.

Of course, the most obvious benefit is that of a shared interest. Interests can do a lot to tie a relationship together, and that goes beyond simply agreeing that you like the same thing. Interests give you something to agree and disagree about passionately, give you a framework for your in-jokes, and give you a means of socializing as a couple outside the context of your own relationship, but still within a pertinent context of that interest. We would all be bored if we shared interests in precisely the same way, for example, but we also would not be compatible if we never shared any interests. Something along the lines of membership to a subculture helps provide the perfect balance of the two.

The means by which we select our partners is hardly some universally positive act, however, and there are a few things in particular that myself and others have mentioned as being worthy of keeping an eye out, particularly in online relationships. The anonymity of the internet does help us in some respects, but it can encourage unwanted attention in the form of stalking and additional privacy concerns. There is, of course a fine line to walk with how much information we provide and how much we hold back, and what we do provide can come back to bite us in the end in the form of unwanted attention.

Beyond unwanted attention, however, is the distance factor, which is a valid concern for many if us, again in the case of online relationships. The reason for the number of these relationships in particular, though, might have something to do with our selection criteria mentioned above. While our potential partner pool is limited by our interests, it’s also further limited by location: if we choose to get into a relationship with another furry, then our local dating pool might be very limited indeed. An informal poll at time of writing showed about half of the participants in long-distance relationships, with the notable explanation that it’s less of an issue with “planes + internet + some planning”. An online relationship might, at that point, seem much more feasible given that that sort of thing vastly expands the pool of potential partners for one.

Another way by in which our limited relationship pool shows is that the aforementioned skews that are evident in the fandom at large show themselves particularly in relationships. The most notable example, obviously, is gender. When I present the data panel at conventions, I often bring this up: we, as a subculture, represent a pretty even distribution of the spectrum from completely heterosexual to homosexual, but given the skew in gender and biological sex, many more individuals wind up in homosexual relationships. With a dating pool consisting of around 80% male furries, it’s not really any surprise that relationships are also skewed toward those involving two male participants, even when those participants don’t identify as completely homosexual. This obviously furthers the visibility of homosexuality within the fandom, to the point where that appears to be more of a skew than it might actually be. Other skews, such as age and species show up as well, of course, though sex, gender, and orientation are the most readily visible ones.

None of these are evidence of a furry-only style of dating, though taken as a whole, they do say something about our fandom. We date within our subculture, using it as a sort of attractor as many do, and we date online – no small amount of effort is spent on dating online, given the proliferation of social sites, social networks, chat rooms, MUCKs, and so on with a focus on sex and relationships – and the skews evident in our subculture show themselves in our relationships. However, that makes it no less interesting: this is who we are, this is how we interact, and this is how we love each other and relate to each other. If furry is a slice of society at large, that’s all well and good, but we are also made up of our individual participants, and, in the end, it is between us where these relationships are formed.

Hello Papabear,

I'd like to first thank you for your time in reading this.

I'm very very new to the fandom and I am still learning. My fiancé... mate, pardon I'm still getting a handle on the terms, of eight years has been very supportive in helping me as he has been a member of the fandom for many a year, but I feel like it is the one way we aren't connecting and for him this is major part of his life. I love him more than anything in this world and want us to be able to connect more. But before I get lost, I will get to my reason for this letter. 

I have a very, as most would call, unfounded fear of fursuits. When I was quite young my father took to the midway that was in town for the weekend and while there I was approached by a man in a Pikachu costume. I'm not sure what it was but something about this encounter left me terrified of anyone in a mascot or fursuit. Maybe it was poor condition of the suit, the lack of gloves or that I couldn't see the person’s face, something about it unsettled me. 

The reason this has become a problem is, as I said, my fiancé and most of my friends are furries and fursuiters. My fiancé has made his own suit and I'm trying my hardest to conquer my fear but I feel like it's one step forward and then a tumble off a cliff backwards. 

In 2014 I will be attending my very first fur convention, VancouFur. What I’m asking, I guess, is what do you recommend I do to get comfortable enough with fursuits not to have a panic attack in the middle of the convention space?

Yours truly,

Befuddled Hex 

* * *

Dear Befuddled,

Thank you for your fascinating question. It reminds me of my fear of clowns, which is why I hate Stephen King for writing It. But this isn’t about me. First off, I must praise you for working so hard to please your mate by trying to get used to furry stuff and fursuiters even though you aren’t really furry. (Oh, and it’s okay to use the word fiancé; furries speak English, too. LOL. Fiancé would actually be the more accurate term if you are engaged.)

You should know, though, that you shouldn’t feel obligated to try and be a furry yourself if you really don’t want to. My husbear is not a furry, but he’s fur-friendly, meaning he’s totally cool with my dressing in a fursuit and going to conventions and such, but he doesn’t feel like he has to take on a fursona, commission a fursuit, and watch Kung Fu Panda I and II with me. That’s cool. As a couple, you don’t have to have everything in common. In fact, having some different interests spices up the relationship because you have different things to talk about. For instance, my ex is really into crafts like beading and cross stitch and quilting. I never was, but I was always supportive of that and it gave us something to talk about other than what we already did together. My current mate is totally into radio, TV, and Internet media, as well as Disco and television shows from the 1950s to 1980s. While I have some mild interest in those things, I’m not gaga over them, but it’s fun to talk to him about it, as well as hilarious to watch him break into a dance routine in a grocery aisle when Gloria Gaynor starts singing “I Will Survive” over the speakers.

I just wanted you to understand that was an option.

But to the question at paw: how to get over the fear of fursuits? Intellectually, you know that they are harmless, so, just as with my freaking out about clowns, you know this is an emotional response. These emotional reflexes stem deep within the more primitive regions of our brains, which influence us greatly especially in childhood. If you had encountered that Pikachu as an adult rather than as a young girl, you likely would not have this current fear because your adult mind would recognize it as a human being inside a cheesy costume. As a child, though, what you saw was this huge yellow creature with big eyes and freaky human hands looming over your little body. Yeah, scary.

The best way to overcome this is through behavior modification therapy. That is, slowly working on altering your behavior through various exercises and gradual exposure to those things you fear. Here are a few things to try:

1. Ask your fiancé to wear his fursuit around the house, but without the head and with the zipper undone so you can clearly see that it is your mate in the fursuit. Have him do that until you are comfortable, then have him zip up the fursuit and be completely covered except for his head. When you are comfortable with that, have him wear just the head, but not the rest of the fursuit (his face is now anonymous, but you recognize the rest). Then, have him wear the entire fursuit around the house, but have him speak in the fursuit so you hear his voice. And,  lastly, the entire suit but he stays silent and in character.

2. Dress in a fursuit yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and strike silly poses. Try to laugh at yourself at how fun you look. Laughter is an excellent way of overcoming fears.

3. Look at pictures of fursuiters and fursuiters in videos, too. This is a good way to get used to them without feeling threatened because they are next to you in real life. Just as watching a horror movie over and over again can make us realize that we are not in any real danger.

4. After doing all of the above, test how you are doing by hanging out with your mate and his furiends again at a meet or other fursuit gathering and see how you are doing. Hopefully, you will feel calmer and, if you can do this last step, you should be okay to go to VancouFur.

If the above doesn’t work, you might need to seek some professional help to overcome your fears. You might even try hypnotism, which, I understand, can actually work for many people.

Hope this helps! You’re a good mate, and I hope your fiancé appreciates you!

Hugs,

Papabear

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As many of you heard, there has been an issue with a particular moderation decision. A user posted modified versions of commissions. Our moderator told the artist that he can't ask for the modified artwork to be taken down. Our mods called the artist "butthurt". When I woke up I saw a mushroom cloud from my window.

First off all: We fucked up. We're a team of volunteers strewn across the globe, so a good number of our team was unavailable at that time. But regardless, the end result was the same, and the harsh language from our side simply wasn't neccessary. On top of that our decision was wrong.

Toumal is a good diplomatic leader and SoFurry benefits from having him; he acknowledges where things went wrong, apologises on behalf of his staff, whilst clarifying and explaining the policy as well as addressing where they can tighten up.

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Dogs have long been considered property. Though the Animal Welfare Act of 1966 and state laws raised the bar for the treatment of animals, they solidified the view that animals are things — objects that can be disposed of as long as reasonable care is taken to minimize their suffering.

But now, by using the M.R.I. to push away the limitations of behaviourism, we can no longer hide from the evidence. Dogs, and probably many other animals (especially our closest primate relatives), seem to have emotions just like us. And this means we must reconsider their treatment as property.

Presuming in the future more studies support this finding, it would firstly give many a way of understanding the special relationship dog owners have with their canine, but it would also bring questions on the nature of their relationship. Already I’ve said dog-owner; one might suppose they are actually their guardians.

Via io9

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This time around we cross to the other side and discuss the After Life! We take a gander at Pokemon X & Y, spooky coinage, Bone worms and a lake that is literally quite petrifying! ActFur Season 5 Ep 5 – Halloween - This time around we cross to the other side and discuss the After Life! We take a gander at Pokemon X & Y, spooky coinage, Bone worms and a lake that is literally quite petrifying!

Author: rodney Jordan Reickek is an animator and storyboard artist with a long and storied career to his name: He worked on the original Ren & Stimpy series as well as The Simpsons early on; he directed the pilot episode of Invader Zim for Nickelodeon; and he worked on storyboards for DreamWorks films like Monsters […]

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Ignoring all of what went down last year (Dorsai, hurricane, fire alarm), who's excited for this year? Who's gonna be there? Should we arrange an unofficial meet-up?

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Jordan Reickek is an animator and storyboard artist with a long and storied career to his name: He worked on the original Ren & Stimpy series as well as The Simpsons early on; he directed the pilot episode of Invader Zim for Nickelodeon; and he worked on storyboards for DreamWorks films like Monsters vs Aliens, Megamind, and Kung Fu Panda. Cartoon Brew recently interviewed Jordan, and he spoke about his newest creation: Animal Control, which he produced for Cartoon Network Asia. The series follows the adventures of a pair of hapless and not-too-bright game wardens as they try to keep a lid on the silliness of their animal charges. The premier episode is up on Vimeo as well. Recently Jordan re-launched his production web site, Perky Pickle, which includes production art from many of the projects he’s worked on over the years.

image c. 2013 by Jordan Reickek

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I have just recently discovered The Furry Fandom, and it's pretty cool. Where can I learn to draw my own art?

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I'm lonely.. :\

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