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How To Draw Furry Heads: A Step-by-Step Guide
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- Introduction
- Understanding Furry Anatomy
- Basic Furry Head Shapes
- Proportions & Structure
- Step-By-Step Drawing Process
- Sketching the Base
- Defining the Muzzle and Jaw
- Adding Ears
- Drawing the Eyes
- Adding Facial Details
- Refining and Inking The Drawing
- Cleaning Up the Sketch
- Inking Techniques
- Coloring and Shading
- Choosing Colors
- Shading and Highlighting
- Blending and Finishing Touches
- Conclusion
Introduction
Furry art, a vibrant part of the furry fandom, brings anthropomorphic animal characters to life, blending human and animal traits. The head is often the most expressive part of these characters, making it essential for artists to master.
This guide is designed for beginners and intermediate artists who want to improve their furry head drawings. We’ll cover the basics of anatomy, sketching, and refining your work, helping you create expressive and unique characters.
For additional learning, check out these resources:
Let’s dive in and start creating your furry character!
I. Understanding Furry Anatomy A. Basic Furry Head ShapesBefore diving into the drawing process, it’s important to understand the foundational shapes that form the basis of any furry character’s head. Furry characters often blend features from various animals, such as canines, felines, reptiles, and even mythical creatures like dragons. Each of these species has distinct head shapes that influence the overall look of your character.
Canine Heads: Typically have elongated muzzles and pointed ears. Examples include wolves, foxes, and dogs.
Feline Heads: Generally more rounded with shorter muzzles and large, expressive eyes. Think of cats, lions, and tigers.
Reptilian Heads: These heads are more angular, often featuring scales and elongated snouts. Dragons and lizards fall into this category.
Custom Creations: Many furry characters combine features from multiple animals, so don’t be afraid to mix and match traits to create something unique.
Understanding these basic shapes will help you maintain consistency and realism in your character designs.
Examples of Different Animal Head Shapes
Image via Reddit
B. Proportions and StructureProportions are key to creating a balanced and appealing character. The head is usually broken down into simple shapes—like circles and ovals—that serve as a foundation for more detailed features.
Head Base: Start with a circle or oval that will define the overall size and shape of the head. This helps ensure that the head remains proportionate to the rest of the body if you plan to draw it later.
Guidelines: Draw a vertical line down the center of the head to keep the features symmetrical. A horizontal line across the middle will help you position the eyes, while another horizontal line below can mark the position of the muzzle.
Feature Placement: The eyes are usually placed slightly above the center of the head, with the muzzle extending below. Ears typically start from the top or upper sides of the head, depending on the species.
By mastering these proportions, you’ll create characters that look natural and cohesive, regardless of the species you’re drawing.
This understanding of furry anatomy sets the stage for the next step: sketching the basic structure of your furry character’s head
Start with Basic Shapes: Begin by drawing a simple circle or oval to establish the head’s overall size and shape. This will act as the foundation of your drawing.
Add Guidelines: Draw a vertical line down the center of the circle to help keep the face symmetrical. Then, add a horizontal line across the middle of the circle to guide the placement of the eyes. If your character has a longer muzzle, you might want to draw another horizontal line lower down to guide where the muzzle will begin.
B. Defining the Muzzle and JawSketch the Muzzle: Depending on the species, the muzzle can be short (like a cat’s) or elongated (like a wolf’s). Extend the muzzle from the bottom of the circle, curving it outwards slightly. Use your earlier guidelines to ensure it’s centered and balanced.
Draw the Jawline: Connect the sides of the muzzle back to the base of the head, forming the jawline. This line can be more angular or rounded depending on your character’s species and personality.
Different Examples of Muzzles and Jaws
Image via DeviantArt
C. Adding EarsPosition the Ears: Ears are typically placed on the top or upper sides of the head. Use your guidelines to ensure they are symmetrical.
Sketch Ear Shapes: Ears can be pointed (like those of a fox or wolf), rounded (like a bear’s), or floppy (like a dog’s). Experiment with different shapes to see what best fits your character’s personality.
D. Drawing the EyesPosition the Eyes: Use the horizontal guideline to place the eyes. Typically, eyes are positioned slightly above this line, especially in more cartoonish or exaggerated styles.
Explore Eye Shapes: Eyes can be large and expressive (common in many furry characters) or smaller and more realistic. Experiment with different shapes to convey different emotions—rounded eyes for a friendlier look, or narrow, angular eyes for a more serious or sly expression.
E. Adding Facial DetailsNose and Nostrils: Sketch a small oval or triangle at the end of the muzzle for the nose. Add nostrils as small curved lines on either side of the nose.
Mouth and Teeth: Draw a line under the nose to indicate the mouth. For a more detailed expression, you can open the mouth slightly and add teeth or a tongue.
Fur Texture and Patterns: Lightly sketch fur details around the cheeks, forehead, and ears. Consider adding patterns or markings that make your character unique, such as stripes, spots, or patches.
At this stage, you have the basic structure of your furry character’s head. Next, you’ll refine the sketch, adding more details and preparing it for inking and coloring.
Commissioning a fursuit has never been so easy!
"They where extremely understanding and patient. They provided fast response times and amazing communication"
Edward .blog-banner-button{ background: transparent; border-radius: 6px 0px 6px 6px; border: none; padding: 16px 28px; position: relative; cursor: pointer; margin-top: 0px; font-family: 'Lato'; font-style: normal; font-weight: 800; font-size: 14px; line-height: 140%; align-items: center; text-align: center; text-transform: uppercase; color: #1D022E; border: 1px solid #1D022E; width:100%; max-width:200px; } .black-point{ position: absolute; width: 16px; height: 16px; top: 0px; right: 0; background: #1D022E; border-radius: 0px 0px 0px 12px; } .blog-banner-button:hover{ background:#1D022E; color:white; transition: 1s cubic-bezier(0.57, -0.43, 0.37, 1.1); } .banner-flex{ display:flex; align-items:center; max-width:450px; width:100%; margin-right:auto; margin-left:auto; justify-content:center; } .banner-p{ color: #1D022E; text-align: center; font-family: Lato; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 800; line-height: 140%; /* 19.6px */ text-transform: uppercase; } @media (max-width:540px){ .banner-flex{ flex-direction:column; } .banner-p{ margin-top:8px; margin-bottom:8px; } .blog-banner-button{ max-width:287px; width:100%; padding:12px 20px; } .banner-flex a{ max-width:287px; width:100%; } } Build my fursuit III. Refining and Inking the Drawing A. Cleaning Up the Sketch Refine the Lines: Go over your initial sketch, darkening the lines that define the head, muzzle, ears, and other key features. At this stage, focus on making your lines clean and smooth. This will make the next steps easier and your drawing more polished.Erase Unnecessary Guidelines: Carefully erase the guidelines you used to keep the proportions and symmetry. This will help to reduce clutter and make the final lines stand out. Make sure the final shape still looks balanced and accurate without these guidelines.
Example of a Cleaned Up Sketch
Image via Tumblr
B. Inking Techniques- Inking the Outline: Using a fine pen or a digital inking tool, trace over the final lines of your sketch. Apply consistent pressure for a smooth outline, but feel free to vary the line weight (thicker or thinner lines) to add depth and interest. For example, thicker lines can be used along the outer edges of the head and major features, while thinner lines work well for details like fur texture.
- Adding Detail with Line Weight: Use varying line thickness to emphasize different parts of the drawing. For example:
- Thicker lines: Around the outer edge of the head, major features like the ears, and where shadows would naturally fall (e.g., under the chin or muzzle).
- Thinner lines: For details like the inner parts of the ears, fur texture, and fine facial details like the nose or mouth.
- Enhancing Texture: To give the fur a more natural look, use small, quick strokes to add texture around the edges of the face, ears, and along the jawline. This adds a sense of realism and helps define the character’s unique appearance.
- Review and Touch Up: After inking, review your drawing for any areas that may need touch-ups. Smooth out any uneven lines, and add final details where needed. Make sure the inking is consistent and clear.
Once you’re satisfied with the inked drawing, you’re ready to move on to coloring and shading, where the character will truly come to life.
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IV. Coloring and Shading
A. Choosing Colors
- Selecting a Color Palette: Choose colors that reflect your character’s personality and species. For example, natural tones like browns and grays work well for wolves, while more vibrant colors can be used for fantasy creatures or stylized characters. Consider the character’s environment and background when selecting your palette, as this can influence how the colors are perceived.
- Base Colors: Begin by laying down the base colors for your character. Start with the primary fur color and fill in the entire head evenly. Use a medium tone that can be shaded darker or highlighted lighter later on. Remember to keep the colors flat at this stage—details and texture will be added afterward.
- Secondary Colors and Markings: Add secondary colors for specific features like the inside of the ears, the nose, and the eyes. If your character has patterns or markings (stripes, spots, patches), apply them now, ensuring they blend smoothly with the base color.
- Identifying the Light Source: Decide where your light source is coming from—this will determine where shadows and highlights fall on your character’s head. A consistent light source is key to making your drawing look three-dimensional.
- Applying Shadows: Use a darker shade of your base color to add shadows. Focus on areas where the light doesn’t hit directly, such as under the ears, along the sides of the muzzle, and under the chin. Gradually build up the shadows to add depth, making sure they blend naturally with the base color.
- Adding Highlights: Use a lighter color to add highlights where the light hits directly. Common areas for highlights include the top of the head, the bridge of the nose, and the tips of the ears. Highlights should be applied sparingly to avoid making the character look too glossy unless that’s the desired effect.
- Enhancing Fur Texture: To make the fur look more realistic, add subtle variations in color along the fur’s natural direction. You can achieve this by using a slightly lighter or darker tone than the base color and applying it in short strokes to mimic the texture of fur.
- Detailing the Eyes: Eyes are a focal point of any character, so take your time to add depth and shine. Use bright highlights in the iris and a small white spot to mimic the reflection of light. This brings the eyes to life and adds expressiveness to the character.
Example of a Completely Coloured Furry Drawing
Image via Etsy
C. Blending and Finishing Touches- Smooth Transitions: If working digitally, use a blending tool or a soft brush to smooth transitions between shadows, highlights, and the base color. For traditional media, blending can be done using a blending stump, cotton swab, or simply by layering colors gradually.
- Final Adjustments: Step back and assess your work. Make any necessary adjustments to colors, shadows, or highlights to ensure the overall piece looks balanced and cohesive. Add any final touches, like small hairs sticking out or slight color variations to enhance realism.
- Background Consideration: If you plan to add a background, choose colors that complement your character without overpowering it. A simple gradient or a soft, neutral tone can help your character stand out.
At this point, your furry character’s head should be fully colored and shaded, giving it depth and personality. The next step is to consider how you want to present your final piece, whether in a full scene or as a standalone character.
With these final touches and presentation tips, your furry head drawing is ready to be shared with the world. The attention to detail, thoughtful presentation, and willingness to engage with the community can help elevate your artwork and connect you with others who appreciate and share your passion for furry art.
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Monsters with a Difference
The Cryptid Kids are off and running with their first graphic novel, The Bawk-Ness Monster, written by Sara Goetter and illustrated by Natalie Riess. “Penny swears that when she was a little girl, a creature called the Bawk-ness Monster — half sea serpent, half chicken — saved her from drowning. Now, years later, she’s about to move away to a new city, and before she goes, she needs the help of her best friends, Luc and K, for a vitally important mission: seeing ‘Bessie’ one more time. But in their quest to find Bessie and give Penny the send-off she deserves, the kids stumble into a whole new problem: Cryptids are being kidnapped by an evil collector, and only Penny, Luc, and K can save them!” Available now in hardcover or paperback, from First Second.
image c. 2024 First Second Books
FurAffinity under siege: website redirected, social accounts compromised
FurAffinity 遭攻击：网站被重定向，社交账号被盗
S11E9 – Boundaries - Ever been told you need to do better at building boundaries? What are boundaries? Why are they important? - Join the cast and guests as they explore the complex and often delicate topic of boundaries. Offer insights on how to establis
Ever been told you need to do better at building boundaries? What are boundaries? Why are they important?
Join the cast and guests as they explore the complex and often delicate topic of boundaries. Offer insights on how to establish, respect, and uphold boundaries in various aspects of life. From friends, family, and relationships; to enforcing limits in the workplace.
NOW LISTEN!
SHOW NOTES Thank you!Ashton, Basel, Timid, Sage, Eli and Sotolo for your inputs on the episode!
To all our listeners!
PATREON LOVETHANK YOU to our patreons! You help us keep the show going!
Uber Supporter Tier
Anthallo
Tails Bursting out of Pants Supporters
Barnaby Panda, Basel the Dragon, Nuka
Fancy Supporter Tier
Black Baldrik, Lufis the Raccoon
Deluxe Supporters Tier
MephistophEli,, Nugs (pic pending), Plug, Tenax
Plus Tier Supporters
- Ausi Kat
- Chaphogriff
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McRib Tier Supporters
- Christian
- Ichigo Ookami
- Sage Lightfang
- TyR
- Victor Mutt
- Intro: RetroSpecter – Cloud Fields (RetroSpecter Mix). USA: Unpublished, 2018. ©2011-2018 Fur What It’s Worth. Based on Fredrik Miller – Cloud Fields (Century Mix). USA: Bandcamp, 2011. ©2011 Fur What It’s Worth
- First Break: Hardware – Karl Casey, White Bat Audio, Creative Commons 2023
- Second Break: Zenith – Aaron Kruk, Argofox, Creative Commons 2024
- Third Break: Not The One – Dino Rano, Argofox, Creative Commons 2024
- Patreon: Inflammatus – The Tudor Consort, Creative Commons 2019
- Closing: Cloud Fields (RetroSpecterChill Remix), USA: Unpublished, 2018. ©2011-2018 Fur What It’s Worth. Based on Fredrik Miller – Cloud Fields (Chill Out Mix). USA: Bandcamp, 2011. ©2011 Fur What It’s Worth
The Earth 🌎! Chapter 6 | Puplift: A Dog's Guide to Space🐕 🚀
A dog from the future explains a pleasant interstellar society in this sci-fi audio series. This series explores the topics of transhumanism, animal uplift, space travel, realistic artificial intelligence, terraforming, and a future you'd want to live in. Allison & The Cool New Spaceship Body https://shipfolk.neocities.org/Shipfolk.html Writing & Narration: Tempe O'Kun https://www.furaffinity.net/user/tempo321/ Puplift has been nominated for a Cóyotl Award! https://coyotlawards.com/coyotl-awards-2023-final-ballot/ Merch, Sweet Tees and stuff: https://culturally-fd-merchandise.creator-spring.com/ Support Culturally F'd: https://www.patreon.com/culturallyfd Listen in on TEMPO TALKS with Tempe O'Kun https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIPk-itLl1jPyIK2c7mK-LpbvfDNqfcSW Check out Tempe O'Kun's books "Sixes Wild" and "Windfall" here: http://furplanet.com/shop/?affillink=YOUTU2907 Here's a playlist of his other Culturally F'd videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIPk-itLl1jPS7tnT4hdJwBI-CeLF8Kb_
TigerTails Radio Season 15 Episode 41
TigerTails Radio Season 15 Episode 41. Join the Discord Chat: https://discord.gg/SQ5QuRf For a full preview of events and for previous episodes, please visit http://www.tigertailsradio.co.uk. See website for full breakdown of song credits, which is usually updated shortly after the show. If you like what we do and wish to throw some pennies our way to support us, please consider sending a little tip our way. https://streamlabs.com/tigertailsradio/tip * Please note, tips are made to support TigerTails Radio and are assumed as made with good faith, so are therefore non-refundable. Thank you for your support and understanding.
Genopanic Review - Nothing to Panic About
Ah Genopanic. It's without a doubt the most Metroid non-Metroid game I’ve ever played. It has a lot of those same themes and elements but also does manage to stand out on its own.
Keep Trying ‘Till You HIT!
And speak of the Devil… Here’s another bit of Viva Pictures news we got (again from Cartoon Brew): “Viva Pictures has signed on as the U.S. distributor of Hitpig! and will release the film theatrically on November 1, 2024. The film, adapted from characters first introduced in the children’s book Pete & Pickles by Bloom County creator Berkeley Breathed, is from British production company Aniventure, which has previously completed Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank and Riverdance: The Animated Adventure. The animation provider is Cinesite (The Addams Family 2, Iwájú, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem).” Here’s the official synopsis: “Hitpig is a clever bounty hunting pig who catches escaped animals and returns them to their owners. His next job is his biggest yet: return a dancing elephant named Pickles to a maniacal Vegas showman, for a million bucks. The mission quickly escalates into a wild adventure around the world. When danger looms, it is up to Hitpig to save the day but he can’t do it alone.” As you can see, there’s a lot of “professional furry” experience behind this film, and we’ve been talking about it for a while now. See the trailer, too!
image c. 2024 Viva Pictures
Wholesome Games 2024: Furry Edition!
We've got a PLETHORA of furry & animal games in the "Wholesome Games Celebration" on Sale on Steam right now! We put together what we could find in the list of games that are currently selling at a reduced price and those that are upcoming (and with demos!) Check out the full list below!
FixFox Review
What if we wanted to take on the climate change crisis by simply modifying our DNA so that we took on animal traits like fur so that we could regulate our body temps? Or work out medical issues that overtake our bodies with a fresh new species takeover? That’s the baseline of the story of “FixFox”, a solo game venture by Rendlike and published by Joystick Ventures. You’re a spacefaring clumsy foxy fixer-upper named Vix who is accompanied by her toolbox Tin, and you’re pulled into one last job to prove you’ve got the repairing chops to keep your job. Unfortunately, you crash land on a planet in a system that looks down on tools and fixing, and will police your attempts to solve the various planets’ problems, unless you distract them with a radio broadcast. Over the course of trying to escape the planet’s various communication and humanitarian problems, you discover a story of humanity’s past and its innate problems in the present. FixFox had a vibe & story that pulled me in and kept me engaged with its many twists and turns, and so many little unique details.
FWG Monthly Newsletter August 2024
Ever since I stepped up to president in 2021, I have been proud to lead the Furry Writers Guild. It has been an absolute joy to see the talent and passion amongst the writing community.
Sadly, all things must come to an end. I have decided to step down as president of the guild effective immediately.
I have not achieved all I wanted for the guild, but I truly believe I have left it in a better place than I began. Every president has left their mark in expanding and evolving the guild, and I am happy with what I achieved. I have simply come to realise that I no longer have the time and energy to devote to running the guild in the way that it deserves.
For that reason, I will be stepping down. My VP K.C. Shaw will be stepping up to fulfil the rest of the current term, with a decision to be made in April next year to continue or to initiate an election. Over the next few days and weeks, I will be assisting Kate to ensure the transition is as smooth as possible.
You will still be able to find me around the Telegram and Discord as always – I’ll be sticking around to help moderate the chats, though our wonderful members always make it so easy by never having any drama to police!
It has been an honour and privilege leading the guild these past three and a bit years. Thank you everyone for entrusting me with the presidency.
But! This is still a blog post, and that means there are markets to share! Check these out if you have a short story within you.
F/F Non Erotic Anthology – Deadline August 31st 2024
Isekai Me! – Deadline August 31st 2024
Paw Anthology: Volume 2 – Deadline November 21st 2024
Spirit of the Wolf – Deadline March 31st 2025
Indecent Exposure – Deadline When Full
This Is Halloween – Deadline When Full
Children Of The Night – Deadline When Full
Furry/Lovecraftian/Erotic/University Themed Anthology – Deadline When Full
Beyond Their Pale – Deadline When Full
Please also check out the latest releases from our members.
Squeak Thief, by Kyell Gold. Released July 2024.
The Heavens Within Our Grasp, edited by Maddison Scott-Clary, featuring stories by multiple FWG Members. Released July 1st 2024.
Far Flung, by Utunu. Released July 3rd 2024.
The Eternal Party, by DarkEnd. Released July 4th 2024.
Therianthropic Dreams, by NightEyes DaySpring. Released July 15th 2024.
Return of the Queen, by Shaun M. McGrath. Released July 31st.
Shadow Sun, by Jess E. Owen. Available for pre-orders. Released August 30th
Legend of Ahya: Broken Empires, by Matthew Colvath. Available for pre-orders. Released October 2nd 2024.
There might be one more monthly blog from me, depending on how the transition goes with Kate. If there is, I will see you then.
If not, I leave you in the very capable hands of Kate.
Thank you everyone.
Stay safe and happy writing.
J.F.R. Coates
Race to the Rides
More interesting news from Cartoon Brew: “Viva Pictures has picked up North American rights to the animated feature Grand Prix of Europe. The story of the film revolves around Edda, a racing car-obsessed young mouse, who must disguise herself as her idol, Ed, and take his place to compete in the Grand Prix to save her family’s amusement park. The film is a tie-in for the German theme park Europa-Park, which celebrates its 50th anniversary next year. The theme park has won the Golden Ticket Award eight times for being the best park worldwide.” Viva Pictures is also making quite a name for itself for distributing more obscure animated feature films. After finding success with The Amazing Maurice, they went on to bring us Dragonkeeper and the upcoming 200% Wolf.
image c. 2024 Viva Pictures
Issue 21
Welcome to Issue 21 of Zooscape!
The world turned upside down, and everyone went scrambling, trying to hold on to the past or find a new way of existing in the turmoil. The world does that sometimes. It turns upside down, and you find yourself lost in a swamp of confusion.
One of the most surefire ways of turning your own world upside down is to have children. They’ll turn your world upside down over and over again.
I started Zooscape when my younger child started kindergarten, and I suddenly had a lot more free time on my hands. I put Zooscape submissions on a long-term, indefinite-length hiatus when I discovered my older child needed more help getting through high school than I’d expected.
My world turned upside down, and the rest of the world got Zooscape. My world turned upside down again, and the rest of the world had to wait to see if Zooscape would come back again or not. Meanwhile, I made sure to store a bunch of stories up to keep you all entertained while you wait…
* * *
Frog Song by Koji A. Dae
Don’t Cry by Ian Madison Keller
The Frog Wife by Rebecca E. Treasure
The Cloak by Erin Brown
How Fred the Opossum Mobilized the Microbes and Saved the Universe by Mary Jo Rabe
If Your Child’s a Dragon by Chad Gayle
* * *
…and now that everyone has waited so patiently, we’re happy to announce that Zooscape will be re-opening to submissions on January 1st, 2025.(Note: These plans may have changed. Sorry for the inconvenience.)
As always, if you want to support Zooscape, check out our Patreon. Also, you can pick up e-book or paperback volumes of our first 13 issues bundled into four anthologies, complete with an illustration for every story.
If Your Child’s a Dragon
by Chad Gayle
“…it isn’t easy dealing with the problems of a troubled young dragon, as you already know. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to do it alone.”
If your child’s a dragon, there’s no need to explain your tattered clothes or the smoke rings round your eyes. We know how your eyebrows got singed, and we know you spent half an hour or more circling the parking lot because you really didn’t want to walk through those double doors. You didn’t want to take your place among us, to admit by your very presence that you’re afraid of your young dragon, nor do you want to acknowledge that the love you’ve always felt for the magical creature living in your midst is fraught, these days, with dread and disappointment. Most of all, you’d rather not divulge the secret that you’ve kept hidden from family members, friends, and coworkers for so long, the awful truth about the life you’ve been living, the fact that there have been moments, far too many now for you to count, when you’ve wanted to kick your dragon to the curb, to send them packing and to do your best, afterwards, to forget you ever loved them at all.
We know all about these feelings because our children are dragons too. We’ve felt your shame, your self-deprecating guilt, and your nauseating fear. Like you, we’ve all been burned so badly by our dragons that we thought our wounds would never heal.
And we all have our stories; mine’s probably not that much different from yours. Along with my partner, I pampered my dragon with love and affection, and together we tried to make sure she felt wanted, safe, and secure. As our dragon grew older, we told her how important it was to talk about her feelings, to learn to understand not only why she was happy but why she might be sad, and we did the best we could to help her figure out the place she wanted to occupy in this world. We tried to be there for our dragon; we did everything we thought we were supposed to do, which, as it turned out, was not enough.
What we didn’t see, or what we weren’t prepared to acknowledge, I should say, was the magnitude of the anxiety that beset our dragon as she matured. The first real sign of trouble came when we realized that our dragon had stopped attending flight school, which, as you are no doubt aware, puts a dragon at risk of becoming permanently dependent upon humans. At about the same time that we made this discovery, our dragon started smoking, and she smoked incessantly, filling our house with sulfurous fumes that kept me and my partner coughing for hours on end. Maybe you’re a member of the camp that believes dragons can quit smoking after they start. I happen to think that they can’t because I’ve spent the last two years administering anti-smoking punishments and potions and poultices to our dragon that never gave us more than a few weeks’ worth of clean air. But that’s my dragon — maybe yours is different.
Anyway, the smoking was the least of our worries. As her anxiety intensified, our dragon tore up the furniture and picked at her scales with her claws until her body was covered with sores. And she became bolder and more aggressive with me and my partner, thumping her tail menacingly against the walls or the floor as soon as we brought up her mounting absences from flight school.
Sure, it’s adorable when your dragon’s knee high and she whips your ankle with that little tail of hers, but it’s not quite the same when her head reaches the ceiling and a mere flick of that tail — which is as thick as a tree trunk — can break your femur or every one of your ribs. I don’t know if you’ve reached the point in your relationship with your young dragon where lines have been crossed and bones have been bent, but I’m sure you’ve had glimmers of how much worse it can get in the darkest of your dreams, nightmares in which you grapple with the questions I grappled with after I came home from the hospital that first time. Questions like, what if she hurts me again? What if she hurts someone else? I know these bones will mend, but how can the damage done to my heart ever be repaired?
I would love to say we worked out all of our problems on our own, that our dragon quit smoking, returned to flight school, and took a solemn oath never to strike me or my partner again, but the time for myth-making is over, my friends. As awful as it makes us feel, my partner and I had to admit that our dragon is better off living somewhere else for the time being, sheltered in a closed preserve with dragons her age where she can be monitored and privately tutored, and so we are in the process of finding a program where she can get the care that she needs without endangering herself — or us — any longer. Which isn’t to say that I still don’t find myself grasping at straws, searching desperately for reasons to keep her with us for at least a few more months, but I’ve accepted the recommendations of the wizard we consulted, and I’m committed to following through with this treatment plan because I know that we have to think not only of the health and safety of our dragon but of our own health and safety as well.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself, as you try to get comfortable in your seat, how any of this helps you, in your situation, which is different in various degrees from mine. The answer is that although our situations may be different, the problems that we face with our dragons are very much the same. That’s why we all meet here in this great cathedral every other Monday night — to tell our dragon stories and to lean on each other during times of crisis and conflict. Because it isn’t easy dealing with the problems of a troubled young dragon, as you already know. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to do it alone.
We don’t pretend to have all the answers, but we do try to support each other however we can. We come to this sacred place from townships all over this kingdom because we refuse to give up on our young dragons, because we believe in the possibility of a better future for all dragons, everywhere. We’re dragon people, in other words, and we’re proud of it.
Well, as usual, I’ve stood behind this podium a lot longer than I’m supposed to, but that’s because I’m so happy to see all of these new faces here today. Now I want to welcome you all and tell you how much I look forward to hearing your dragon tales and to walking the road to recovery with you. We really like to think of ourselves as one big family, you know — but, be that as it may, I’m getting that hand signal from my partner again; yep, I can put a sock in it and yield the floor.
One very, very last thing before I open it up to the new parents and give you all a break by sitting down: if your child is a gnome, my apologies — you want the green room at the end of the hall.
* * *
About the Author
Chad Gayle is a writer and photographer based in NYC. His speculative fiction has appeared in The Colored Lens and MetaStellar Magazine; his commercial photography has been featured in The New York Times and The Huffington Post. Husband to the world’s most talented veterinarian, he has witnessed countless stories of furry recovery and redemption that have given him a reason to believe in a brighter future and a better tomorrow for animals everywhere (humans included). He is also the proud parent of two amazing children and three rescue cats.
How Fred the Opossum Mobilized the Microbes and Saved the Universe
by Mary Jo Rabe
“Fred deliberately thought of nothing as he concentrated on soaking up impressions from the microbes in the pond.”
It turned out to be a perfect time for saving the universe. Fortunately, Fred the resident farm opossum was paying attention, as always.
After a long nap, some careful foraging activity, and resultant nibbling, Fred the opossum laid his moderately chubby body down on the brown grass and dipped the sticky claws on his front feet tentatively into the muddy duck pond.
The ducks flew off, quacking loudly in protest but acknowledging the potential danger of Fred’s presence. Completely unnecessary. Fred would never bother trying to kill a duck. Too much effort involved. Duck cadavers, marinated in the pond for a couple of days and covered with a crust of crunchy maggots, on the other hand, were a savory delicacy. He was more than content to let someone else take care of actually slaying the avian creatures.
To his relief, the pond water was more than satisfactory for his purposes today, both in temperature and in general viscosity. The air around Fred was cool and dry, which was pleasant since he was sensitive to temperatures for a few hours after waking up. Cool was better than hot.
Fred preferred cold water to remove the insect remains from his claws. His limbs were still quite agile for his advanced age, but it was to his advantage to keep his grasping appendages free of obstruction.
Mud was also quite useful as a soothing lotion for sore paws. An opossum that tended to his body parts tended to live longer, which was Fred’s constant goal.
It smelled like the hogs hadn’t been near the pond for a while. Fred’s pink nose on his long, thin snout couldn’t detect even a whiff of hog excrement, just overly ripened corn from the fields, a promising scent. There would be plenty of tasty, sated insects in the cornfields for dessert later.
The dark, deep pond — frequented by the farm animals but ignored by the human creatures — was hidden behind the three-story wooden barn, itself shabby with weathered planks that had been painted red in more prosperous times, now missing the occasional slab. The current humans weren’t concerned with appearances.
Fred found the structure imposing, if only in size. These human creatures were generally clueless about important things, but they did construct impressive objects for habitation, both for themselves and for their animals.
The increasing chill in the air meant that it was probably getting close to sundown. The sunlight was getting dimmer, which annoyed Fred somewhat.
There were no clouds, and he hoped that it wouldn’t rain. It wasn’t that he disliked rain. His thick, gray fur protected him from hypothermia, and he quite enjoyed shaking and shimmying to get the heavy raindrops off his bristly hairs.
However, Fred missed the light that clouds restricted. It was bad enough that the light receded every day, even though that made life safer for opossums. In the few hours Fred was awake during the day, he loved to watch the joyous play of sunbeams on plants and ponds, making their colors dance, a pleasure possibly unique to this planet.
Fred might be elderly, but he was certain that his body and mind were in excellent shape, if only because he kept both active.
There was still time before supper, and so Fred decided to slip into the pond for a quick, relaxing swim. He liked to feel supported by the water while he paddled around and opened his mind to discussions with the microbes who lived in the pond, probably his best friends on the farm.
As the ticks in his fur fell off and floated away, Fred swallowed each one with gusto. Crunchy ticks soaked in fragrant pond water made for a delightful appetizer.
Fred deliberately thought of nothing as he concentrated on soaking up impressions from the microbes in the pond. In structure, they were simpler creatures who, however, when united, far outmatched more complex creatures in powers of observation and analysis. He could only hope that he didn’t bore them with his thoughts.
The communication chain worked best top to bottom. More complicated creatures could send messages down to creatures with less complicated structures fairly easily. The less complicated creatures had no trouble taking these messages apart and analyzing them.
However, it demanded strenuous concentration for a creature with a more complicated structure to understand what the less complicated creatures were communicating. Their messages came slowly and were often interrupted. Fred had the patience and physical vigor necessary for listening. Plus, he enjoyed hearing from the microbes.
Most opossums ridiculed him for talking to the microbes. Fred got tired of explaining that he listened far more than he talked and that opossums were foolish to ignore sources of information.
Other opossums were just as receptive as Fred by nature, but they preferred to spend their time eating, mating, and sleeping.
Today, floating in the pond, Fred engaged in pleasant chitchat with the microbes, nothing serious, just comments on life in general. While listening to them, he thought he sensed something else, something not quite right in the universe, but nothing he could put his paw on. The microbes themselves had no worries they wanted to pass on.
After splashing around for many enjoyable minutes, Fred decided it was time to think about setting his refreshed legs in motion and joining the semi-feral farm cats for supper.
The felines did consume the occasional small rodent on the farm but also let themselves be fed outside the farmhouse by the somewhat capricious though kindly human creatures.
Fred and the cats got along well enough. It was only when a new cat arrived that Fred had to re-establish the pecking order ─ or, in this case, the order of growling, pawing, and slapping ─ for the feral but currently resident mammals on this farm.
Cats had to be reminded that opossums ruled. He had managed to acquire their respect one by one as they showed up at the farm.
For some reason feline tourism abounded in this area. Fickle cats always thought they might get better food at a different farm.
They were wrong. The occupants of this dilapidated farmhouse were quite skillful cooks. The repast they set out for visiting animals was always delicious; it just tended to arrive at varying times. Fred had long since learned to be flexible in his eating habits.
However, it was common knowledge, or perhaps inherited memories, that opossums shouldn’t go near humans, if only to avoid becoming a premature component of the food chain. Some humans were known to consume opossums, calling them tasty vittles.
The humans in this house didn’t use that kind of language, but a cautious opossum took nothing for granted.
Caution had its benefits, one of which was avoiding the necessity of “playing possum.” It was beneath Fred’s dignity to lie immobile, roll his eyes, draw back his lips, bare his teeth, and expel noxiously fumed secretions from his anal glands. It took far too many swims in the duck pond to rid himself of that stench afterwards.
Fred developed the habit of waiting for darkness before he approached the farmhouse to partake of the banquet the humans would offer. He always only ate after the humans returned inside.
It was getting darker, and so Fred swam toward the edge of the pond. Out of habit, he perked up his dark, rounded ears, not to listen to the motors of the tractors, combines, and harvesters on the farm, but to be open for any important information.
Opossums had a special talent for hearing, for listening to the grunts and lowing of farm animals, of course, but also for absorbing messages from other more complicated structures in the universe.
Most such data was boring, but every now and then Fred picked up on something useful. Way back when, his ancient ancestors had detected the behavior of an approaching asteroid and made arrangements to survive underground.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible to warn the dinosaurs. They just didn’t listen to the pleas of primitive, tiny mammals. This was still the case today. Opossums couldn’t communicate with more complexly structured creatures because such creatures couldn’t concentrate on what the opossums said.
Right now, Fred could only be certain that he sensed powerful, individual thoughts from the six-legged creatures he intended to devour later. Flies, mosquitoes, and gnats, buzzing and humming contentedly, were busy selecting their own sources of nourishment in the cornfields.
Fred stomped out of the pond and shook the water off his fur. Feeling energetic again, he scampered around the barn and down the hill to the two-story, old-fashioned farmhouse, probably painted white some time ago but now displaying graying boards.
His timing, as always, was perfect. The screen door opened and a tall, female human, followed by her loquacious, diminutive offspring, brought out bowls of meat and milk and water. Today, as so often, the child seemed to understand the greetings Fred sent him.
When the adult headed back into the house, Fred jumped up the steps to the porch where the door to the kitchen was. Fred growled and then shoved his way through the crowd of cats, who submissively moved aside and made a path for him.
“Fred’s here,” the child shouted. Since the creature wasn’t even half the size of his parent, and since Fred only received benevolent telepathic thoughts from him, Fred wasn’t afraid of him, though Fred did feel more secure when the all the humans went back into the house.
Fred, of course, did have a distinguished opossum name, but after the child had started yelling “Fred” at him in such a delighted tone of voice a few years ago, Fred decided to claim it for himself. The name “Fred” brought about pleasant associations with the evening meal the humans provided.
However, survival instincts demanded that Fred wolf down the food and drink and then head for the cornfields before the humans could suddenly pose any threat. While his behavior might be considered rude, he consoled himself with the thought that the humans could always talk to the feral cats if they needed mindless repartee with their outdoor dinner guests.
Fred scurried over to the nearest cornfield, running until he was convinced that he was invisible to the humans. As expected, he found sufficient insects for his dessert crawling around between the muddy rows.
When he couldn’t eat any more of the tasty, crisp insects, Fred lay down between a few stalks of corn and looked up at the sky. This was the time of day when he was most awake.
Without the food the humans provided, he would have to be off hunting. However, with a temporarily full stomach, Fred could tend to what he liked best. As soon as the humans extinguished the toys in their house that lit it up, the cloudless sky gave Fred an excellent view of outer space.
He ceased all conscious thought, opened his mind to any impressions he might absorb, and concentrated on the stars.
Fred always loved those points of light, the hints of color in the black night. Fortunately, the air was dry and cloudless. He had a completely unobstructed view, which should have made him unreservedly happy, but he sensed something was wrong.
It took a while before he could comprehend the messages. He directed his full concentration upwards. The stars didn’t radiate their usual joyful contentment. A sense of apprehension pervaded, which was unusual for the stars and galaxies that generally moved with the abandon that the laws of physics allowed.
Although it was his habit to spend about an hour in the cornfields enjoying his dessert, this time Fred spent the entire night watching and listening. It took that long to make sense out of the feelings he was absorbing, to translate feelings into concrete thoughts.
There were just so many stars to listen to. Eventually he understood that they were all broadcasting the same message, however with varying details.
The universe was in danger because one of the infinite numbers of parallel universes was on its way to collide with this one. Since the parallel universe was larger, after the collision, the parallel universe would dominate the resulting, newly formed, compound universe.
The physical laws of the parallel universe were such that matter would be unable to form, and existing matter would quickly degenerate to pure radiation.
This prospect made the stars sad, which Fred the opossum could understand. Being an opossum on this farm on this planet occasionally had some disadvantages, but he had no desire to be turned into an unstable collection of meandering photons.
More to the point, however, how could this collision be prevented?
Fred knew when he needed to brainstorm. Whenever he was at a complete loss, he consulted the microbes in the duck pond. They always listened to him. Each individual microbe didn’t know much, but when they joined to a telepathic group mind, they often came up with excellent ideas.
Fred shuffled out of the muddy cornfield and, as soon as he was on firm ground, scurried over to the duck pond and dived in.
“Yo, microbes,” Fred began his telepathic message. “Listen up. We all have a problem.”
“One of the new cats steal your food again?” the microbe group mind asked.
“No, no,” Fred said patiently. “This is a real problem, unless you like the thought of losing your physical existence and being turned into pure energy.”
That got their attention. Fred explained that some stars at the outer edge of where dark energy pushed them had noticed disturbing changes.
Comparing observations, the shrewd quark stars came to the unanimous conclusion that a parallel brane of a universe was approaching the brane of this one. Collision was probable. The approaching universe was larger and would absorb this one, converting all matter here to radiation.
Fred sensed the uneasiness and uncertainty that this caused among the microbes.
“Any ideas on how we can prevent this?” Fred asked.
“Obviously this is more than microbes can manage,” the microbe group mind answered. “Tell your humans to build something or do something. They’re good at that kind of thing.”
“You know that they don’t have the patience to listen to me,” Fred said. “On their own, they won’t notice anything until it is too late. Then their building skills won’t help them.”
“Still, microbes don’t move universes,” the microbes said. “Maybe we should just go with the flow. Eventually this universe will peter out into nothing anyway. Why not be part of a radiant road show first?”
“Eventually is a long, long time,” Fred said patiently. “Think about it. You enjoy your one-celled existence, absorbing, expelling, moving about. You sense pleasure from the physical feeling when chemicals or life forms move through your membranes. I can’t imagine anything more boring than floating around in a cloud of nothing.”
“Hmm,” the group mind said. “Maybe you’re right, but we still aren’t capable of doing anything.”
“We have to come up with some idea,” Fred said. “Or else we lose it all. You microbes always have a solution to things. Find one for this problem.”
“We can’t do anything, but we might be able to function as intermediaries,” the microbes said after a long pause. “We’ll pass your news down to the molecules, they can pass it down to the atoms, and they can pass it down to the subatomic particles. We’re all forms of matter and, like you said, all have something to lose.”
“Excellent,” Fred said. “I could probably pass the message down as far as the subatomic particles myself, but I wouldn’t be able to hear their replies or suggestions. Just concentrating enough to listen to you takes a lot out of me.”
“Right,” the microbes said. “Each level of complexity can only easily understand communications from a maximum of one lower level. If we concentrate, we can hear the answers from the molecules, they can hear the answers from the atoms, and so forth. Eventually your message would have to reach dark matter and dark energy.”
“Perfect,” Fred said. “I’m sorry I have to involve you, but no one listens to the stars except me.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, though,” the microbes said. “There is a definite problem that the message could get garbled at every level or that it will turn out that no one can do anything.”
“Try anyway,” Fred said. “I have every confidence in you.” This wasn’t completely true. Fred knew that the microbes’ group mind had a capacity for thinking that was far beyond his. Unfortunately, microbes also had difficulties in staying with one project. They were spontaneous, more than a little flighty, and got bored easily.
He had no idea what to expect from subatomic particles all the way down to dark energy. Even if there was a general willingness to do something, Fred had no idea what could be done.
He could only rely on the microbes to initiate some action.
Actually, the sun was now fairly high in the sky, and Fred needed to find a safe place to nap. To get to the next little wooded area Fred would have to retrace his steps past the farmhouse. This seemed too risky. The child was already playing in the front yard. Fred could run fast, but possibly not fast enough.
There were a few thorn bushes at the back of the ramshackle barn. It would be uncomfortable for Fred to crawl between the barn and the bushes, but the location was unlikely to attract the attention of the human creatures. So, no choice.
“I’ll be back later,” Fred said to the microbes as he crawled out of the pond and walked reluctantly over to the bushes. Once he was between them and the barn, he felt invisible enough to sleep for a few hours.
Listening to the microbes and thinking about the fate of the universe must have tired Fred more than he thought. When he woke up, it was very dark, and he was hungry. He suspected that the cats had already consumed his portion of the supper banquet that the humans put out. He would have to survive on whatever he could forage.
First, though, there were more important things to take care of. He wanted to know what the microbes had accomplished, if anything.
He stumbled over to the duck pond and dived in. When he was physically surrounded by the microbes, it was less strenuous to listen to them.
“Yo, Fred,” the microbes broadcast into his consciousness.
“Yo, microbes,” Fred answered. “Do you have any news?”
“Yes and no,” the microbes answered. “We’ve been passing the news back and forth all day. We got answers and questions and then answers and more questions and then more answers. For the longest time, the only answer was that there was nothing that could be done. We’re completely worn out.”
“Thanks for trying,” Fred said. “I know this was hard work for you, always concentrating on messages from lower levels of structure. No wonder you’re exhausted.”
“We would have given up hours ago,” the microbes admitted. “But we didn’t want to disappoint you. You’re a good friend, Fred.”
“Thanks, but what is the current situation?” Fred asked.
“The short version is that it’s unanimous through the structures all the way down to dark matter. No one wants to let a parallel universe obliterate this one,” the microbes said. “Dark energy is still undecided.”
“Why?” Fred asked.
“Who knows?” the microbes said. “We’re awfully tired.”
“I know,” Fred said. “If the universe survives, it will be exclusively due to your hard work. The whole universe will owe its existence to you.”
“Yeah, well,” the microbes began. “Only if we succeed, and we are getting too tired to do anything more.”
“I know,” Fred said. “But could you make one more attempt? How about if you send down the thought that dark energy won’t have anything to do in the new universe. A universe consisting solely of radiation doesn’t expand. Any kind of energy would find itself paralyzed.”
“We’ll give it one more try,” the microbes said. Fred heard how fatigued they were. He hoped he wasn’t asking too much. He didn’t want to threaten their existence, especially if the whole attempt turned out to be in vain.
He waited and floated in the pond. He was starving, but it didn’t seem right to abandon the microbes after all they were doing.
“Success,” came the tired reply from the microbes. “Dark energy understood your thought that it had as much to lose as the rest of us. At this moment, it is calculating how it needs to steer the brane this universe is in away from the approaching one. It thinks it is doable. Dark energy just has to pulsate the rate of expansion instead of constantly increasing it. That should yank the universe out of danger.”
“Great,” Fred barked. “You really went to your physical limits and saved us all! How can I make it up to you?”
“To be honest,” the microbe group mind said. “We need reinforcements, additional, energetic microbes to support the group. Can you help us with that?”
Fred’s first thought was to sacrifice a few cats, but he quickly abandoned that suicidal prospect. If he attacked one cat, the others would make cat food out of him.
At that moment, a few ducks landed on the water. Ducks! The proverbial solution of killing two birds with one stone. Fred could attack some ducks and then dunk their cadavers into the pond for the microbes. Once sufficient microbes made their way out of the ducks, Fred could slaughter one duck for his own, long-delayed, evening meal.
Fred was tired as he quietly swam over to the first duck, tired but determined enough to swing a mighty paw and whack his first prey with his claws. It was no problem to then hold the creature under water for a sufficient length of time. The microbes deserved no less for saving the universe. Fred would eat later.
* * *
Originally published in Pulphouse, Issue 18
About the Author
Mary Jo Rabe grew up on a farm in eastern Iowa, got degrees from Michigan State University (German and math) and University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee (library science). She worked in the library of the chancery office of the Archdiocese of Freiburg, Germany for 41 years, and lives with her husband in Titisee-Neustadt, Germany. She has published “Blue Sunset,” inspired by Spoon River Anthology and The Martian Chronicles, electronically and has had stories published in Fiction River, Pulphouse, Penumbric Speculative Fiction, Alien Dimensions, 4 Star Stories, Fabula Argentea, Crunchy with Chocolate, The Lorelei Signal, The Lost Librarian’s Grave, Draw Down the Moon, Dark Horses, Wyldblood Magazine, and other magazines and anthologies. You can find her blog at: https://maryjorabe.wordpress.com/
The Cloak
by Erin Brown
“Her cloak held the warm, soft, stolen remains of all that the wolf had ever loved, all covered by a blood-red cloak and filled with that poison-sweet song, that venomous laughter.”
The wolf had the brambles to thank for the extra few minutes of life. He had chosen to sleep in the tangle because it had grown a roof of snow, keeping him nearly warm through the winter night, as well as completely hidden. As a result, when the smell of meat and spices and the sweetness of song roused his body in the early morning, the thorns arrested his instinctive pounce before his mind awoke enough to remember caution. Then he recognized the voice.
The song was sweet as any sent to greet a morning’s sunlight, and the smell of the meat twisted his stomach into knots, but the voice made him curl up into a ball of aching bones and frost-tipped fur, and he swallowed a growl. The song grew closer, and then he could see it: the bright red cloak of the hunter girl.
The wolf glared as he watched her approach in her long red coat that dragged across the snowy ground. Behind her, a fist-sized chunk of green and shining bacon was dragged along on the end of a thin rope. It had long ago stopped marking a trail in juices and simply scraped its path across the snow, across her boot prints. She walked slowly, singing all the while, and her crossbow hung by her side, pointed down, carried stiffly. The wolf could barely tell if the ache in his belly was hunger, or hatred. The words of her song silenced the few birds singing above in the bare trees.
Here little wolf, little wolf, little wolfie
Come to me, come to me
The winter is cold, and my gran needs a blanket
So I’ll never let you be.
The wolf restrained himself from snapping his jaws at the brambles, from tearing at the thorns until the way to her was as exposed as a throat. As she walked, a bright red blotch against the whiteness of the world, black scratching the white sky all around by the barren limbs of the trees, her cloak flapped a little, and the thick grey lining showed itself. The tops of her boots were fuzzy and brown. The wolf knew them intimately.
Her boots were lined with the hide of his mother, the scent tainted by the girls own body scent. Her cloak was lined with his brothers, their skins draped across her shoulders, or dragged across the snow. The red hood on her head hid a mottled white fluff that had been the belly of his sister. He did not know whose fangs made up her buttons, but to get close enough to find out was to get close enough to bite, and be bitten.
His mouth filled with bitter saliva, and it drooled down his jaw and froze in his fur. The bacon, as hungry as he was, barely mattered. The girl was stout and strong, and her smell healthy and hot. But her cloak. Her cloak held the warm, soft, stolen remains of all that the wolf had ever loved, all covered by a blood-red cloak and filled with that poison-sweet song, that venomous laughter.
There had been so many winters without his pack, his family. All of the other packs had been chased away. He was so alone. Food would not stop his misery, just prolong it. Only the cloak was home.
With the memory of love of family warming his hide like weak wet winter sunshine, the wolf stifled a whimper of desolation, but not enough to fool a hunter. The girl stopped and spun around, and looked right into the bramble. She crouched down slowly. His brothers’ skins bunched beneath her, against the snow. His mother, his sister, all dead skins curled around her, to keep her warm. It was intolerable. The girl in the cloak laughed to hear him growl, and set her crossbow across her knee. And smiling right into the wolf’s eyes, she sang.
Here little wolf, little wolf, little wolfie
I see you, I see you
The winter’s so long, and I’m cold and I’m lonely
I’m bettin’ you’re lonely, too.
She laughed at him, her mouth wide and pink, her white teeth so small. She tugged the bacon forward and swung the rope so that the meat landed just a bound away from the brambles, and she laughed when she heard him whine. But she misunderstood the source of his misery. When she had tugged the rope, the reddish-brown fur over her arm showed itself, and the smell of it caught the wolf by the throat. It was a familiar hide, it was family, but the wolf could not remember who. He was forgetting family, love, warmth, life. He was forgetting!
The furs called like howls to his heart. The girl kept singing. But the wolf only heard the silent songs of his family, all warm panting snarling playful recollections, loping across his memories of life before this red demon had appeared to them for the first time, so long ago.
There would be no more winters, either for himself or for this horror and her bow and her cloak. This would end. One of them would laugh, would sing the winter hot as blood again. Only one of them.
The girl swung her crossbow up just as the wolf exploded out of the snowy brambles. She had aimed for the bacon, where she thought the wolf was going.
But he was aiming for home.
* * *
About the Author
Erin Brown is a black, neurodivergent author of horror, fabulist, and fantasy short fiction. She has been published in Fantasy Magazine, FIYAH Magazine, The Deadlands, Midnight and Indigo, The Los Suelos CA Interactive Anthology, and 3Elements Literary Revue, with work in the anthology It Was All a Dream: An Anthology of Bad Horror Tropes Done Right. Erin is also the recipient of the Truman Capote Literary Trust Scholarship in Creative Writing for Spring 2022.
The Frog Wife
by Rebecca E. Treasure
“I suspected he’d make a dreadful human. Something in me needed to know, needed to see.”
The bastard left me. Kissed the first pair of pert red lips under a tiara he found. Not a care for our hundreds of children, some of them still without legs, if you can believe it. After all we’ve been through. After all I’d done for him.
The jerk flouncing away with that princess is nothing like the frog I met. Found him moping at the side of the pond, his ribbit a pathetic ribbon of noise barely worthy of the name. When he hopped away from me, that wild look in his eyes, he nearly toppled into the mud sideways. I thought it was endearing — a frog so terrible at frogging.
More fool me.
I took him under my webbed toes, I guess. Showed him how to use his tongue for flies and moths and other things in the dark of the pool. Taught him to jump, leap, splash. The first time we clutched, our croaks filled the cattails and swamp grass with ecstasy.
It wasn’t until we’d been hopping around together for a few seasons that he changed. Just little things. He’d tell me some story or other about his past — before he came to our pond — and then get real quiet. Then he’d be extra nice to me for a few days, going out of his way to tell me how smooth my skin was, how bulging my eyes, how desirable the pinkness of my tongue.
When the tadpoles hatched, he showed such interest I knew something was wrong with him. Even thought the nasty, fish-like things were cute. As they grew legs and came out onto the muck, that most un-froglike pride in the twist of his lips faded to more natural disinterest. But a sadness, too, a sadness I could never explain.
I confronted him, just before winter when we would burrow into mud and shiver-dream away the season of ice and cold before emerging wet and hungry to the spring warmth. I didn’t want to hibernate next to a liar.
He came clean. Well, as clean as a frog can be. A human, he said, cursed by a witch.
Repulsive. Humans captured our children, shook them in jars, cooked their legs and called it a delicacy. Humans were disgusting.
He assured me he could never change, that I was his true love, that being a frog wasn’t as bad as the witch seemed to think. I believed him, that earnest gleam in his shining eyes, and snuggled close.
More fool me.
And then he did change, and he left me one late autumn. Dusk sheltered the pond in a golden glow, the bugs casting long, delicious shadows among the mist. I watched our children hopping among the stands of swamp grass, along the mossy logs, leaping gracefully into the deep-green scum of the silvery water. They were good frogs. They didn’t need me anymore.
He’d been a reasonably good frog — he fertilized my eggs, he seduced me with song once I taught him how. I suspected he’d make a dreadful human. Something in me needed to know, needed to see. What about two legs and endothermia had been worth abandoning everything we had? Abandoning me?
I croaked out a quiet goodbye to our children — only the nearest of them heard — and set off.
It wasn’t an easy journey, though he was simple enough to follow. That bastard had been a frog long enough his footprints dug into the soil as he leapt from step to step. My soft toes blistered after leaving the swampland, my skin cracked and bleeding before dawn spread across the now-rocky road. My croaks grew weak, my eyeballs drying out until I could barely see.
Early afternoon, a castle loomed out of the distance. Even with my fading vision, the spires and balconies caught the sunshine and demanded recognition, attention.
For a moment, I am ashamed to say, I envied them. Imagining the feasts and the comforts, the winters with the heat of a fire washing over me, perhaps in a lukewarm bath instead of the icy mud. But I didn’t cling to the moment, the daydream. What would my ancestors have thought of me, considering giving up the security, the predictability, of our pond for the temporary luxuries of humanity?
I came to a fork in the road. I suppose a human never would have noticed, but my parched vision saw the signs. To the left, in the woods, the call of magic. Lightning and cinnamon, sparking cold fire into the night sky.
The witch.
Why had she picked frogs, of all creatures? I wanted to know, maybe give her a piece of my mind for saddling me with the prince when all it took was one sympathetic pair of lips for him to abandon me. I gave the castle one more derisive glance and leapt into the woods.
I hopped into her hut from beneath the door. Odd, that. The door had such a gap it might have been made to allow small creatures to enter uninvited. Within the hut, there was lovely moisture in the air. My skin cried out, pleasure and pain as I began to moisten. I paused, healing, unsure why I had come.
A wrinkled hand scooped me up. Bulging eyes — unusually attractive for a human — inspected me.
“So. He found a princess after all, did he? I’m sorry he hurt you in the process.” She sighed. “I miscalculated. I thought, as a frog, he couldn’t hurt anyone. I was wrong.”
I resisted the urge to hop in anger, my broken heart thrumming rapidly against her palm.
“Perhaps he learned his lesson about manners?”
I licked my eyeball. All the answer she needed, as she sighed and set me on the worn pine of her workbench.
“So why did you come?” She bustled around, taking up a pewter bowl with tall spindly legs and a great arching handle. She dipped it into a barrel of water in the corner and set it near to, but not quite by, the fire.
My first thought was vengeance. Turn the bastard back into a frog. Turn him to a fly so I could devour him whole. Turn his princess into a fly, and him a frog… the thoughts soured before I gave them voice.
Would I let him drag me so low? He’d given me generations of beautiful children, after all. Joy in the evenings under the dancing stars. Many seasons of pleasure and companionship and pride in the help I’d given him.
The anger flared. True, but in the end he had betrayed me. If not vengeance, then perhaps a lesson — to teach him his place in the world, and the value of others.
The witch was testing the water in the bowl, now, with the back of her hand. She rummaged around on the overcrowded shelves, batting away a buzzing mosquito, and retrieved a smooth sunstone, brilliantly orange. This, she settled in the water.
What lesson could teach him his place if not to be such a perfect creature as a frog? Yet he’d still given all that up, our rich meals, our languorous days, our firefly evenings of clouds and chorus. He would never learn. I snatched the mosquito and, chewing, croaked in conclusion.
More fool he.
The witch, apparently satisfied with her odd creation, turned to me, hands on her waist. “You seem a perfectly capable frog, are you not?”
I croaked, confident, pleased she had noticed.
She shrugged. “Then what do you need the bastard for? Good riddance, I say. I know the princess, you know, and he deserves her.”
She cackled at my cringe. Nobody deserved him, I wanted to say.
“No, you misunderstand. She’ll turn him out. She knows her worth.”
I blinked both sets of eyelids, reassured. She rather had a point. There was little I’d miss, except someone to shiver with in the frozen months.
My worth was no less than a princess, after all.
She gestured at the pot and the stone, near to but not quite by the fire. “I have a bug problem and could use some company in the winter.”
I leapt across the space, catching the sunstone with my tired toes and dipping sore limbs into the perfectly lukewarm water. The stone had caught the warmth of the fire, or had a heat of its own, and soothed my spine.
The bastard may have left me, but it’s not like I was going to miss him. A deep flush of pride for our children pulled a satisfied smack to my lips, but the love was for them. Not him.
With a croak, I settled in for the winter.
* * *
About the Author
Rebecca E. Treasure grew up reading in the Rocky Mountains. After living many places, including the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and Tokyo, she began writing fiction. Rebecca’s short fiction has been published by or is forthcoming from Zooscape, Seize the Press, Galaxy’s Edge, Air & Nothingness Press, The Dread Machine, Flame Tree Publishing, WordFire Press, Galaxy Press, and others. She is the Flash Fiction Editor at Apex Book Company and Magazine, a freelance editor, and a writing mentor for young writers. She currently resides in Stuttgart, Germany, where she juggles children, a corgi, editing, and writing. She only drops the children occasionally.
Don’t Cry
by Ian Madison Keller
“A healing spell tumbled from her lips by sheer instinct, and she held trembling hands over the head of the closest seedling.”
With a thought and a wave magic flowed from Queen Seuan’s hand and into the wood of her throne, reshaping it to a more comfortable configuration.
“Continue.”
The supplicant droned on, and she stifled the urge to abandon her royal duties and merge minds with her bonded, Tukura, who was out romping through the ornamental gardens. The blossoms at the end of her vine-hair curled open in pleasure at the thought, but her duties… always her duties first.
The sunlight tasted of autumn harvesting. Her seedling-children, growing tall in her hidden nursery plot, were almost ready to pull up their roots and become sproutlings. At least, all the seeds she’d bothered with. Not all her seeds got planted; cracked or blackened seeds never grew right.
A spark of panic through her bond jolted her out of her reverie, and she mentally left the throne room and linked her thoughts with Tukura.
Tukura sniffed the ground outside in the hedge maze; her hackles raised. <Intruders.>
<My seedlings?> Seuan sat up in alarm, the supplicant forgotten. Not again. She’d inherited her throne right after her first blossoming and was the last of her line, yet every year her garden was poisoned by saboteurs.
She came back to herself and signaled to her adviser to halt the proceedings.
Seuan didn’t wait; she stood and strode away. As soon as she passed through the vine curtain separating the private corridors from the public areas she broke into a run. A guard trotted after her although she ignored him.
<I’m sorry, Seuan.> Grief stabbed her but she couldn’t concentrate enough to see through Tukura’s eyes.
The maze passed in a blur of green and cobblestone paths. Her garden was tucked in a dead-end around a blind corner. A stone archway guarded the entrance. She’d spelled the arch to inform her of intruders, a spell which now hung in tatters.
Tukura crouched on the cobblestone by the tilled dirt, her ears splayed and tail curled around her feet. The double row of her seedlings, which just the night before had been tall and green now drooped to the ground an unhealthy shade of brown.
Seuan slid to stop on her knees in the dirt. Her fine court robes would be ruined and her adviser would scold her, yet she was beyond caring.
A healing spell tumbled from her lips by sheer instinct, and she held trembling hands over the head of the closest seedling. Her palms glowed deep red, the same color as her own blossoms, but the magic pooled with no-where to go. Dead.
She tried again and again, a dozen times, but every time the result was the same.
The sap in her tears stuck to Tukura’s chocolate brown fur. She hadn’t even known she’d started crying or when Tukura had embraced her.
“We’ll try again next spring,” Tukura whispered into her vines.
Seuan trembled. “I don’t have the strength for this.”
“It’s your duty to produce an heir. Succession fights will tear the Empire apart.”
The guard looked around, ears pressed flat. “Your Majesty, you should return to the safety of the palace while we investigate.”
Tukura pulled a sobbing Seuan to her feet and led her towards the archway.
“Momma, no cry,” a high-pitched seedling’s voice said.
Seuan stopped and looked around. Her children remained brown and still in the middle of the square.
“Who dares!” Her tears dried as her anger grew. She might be young, but she was still Queen and would not tolerate tasteless jokes.
“Momma!”
The voice was close. She peered into the green growth on the edges of the garden. Movement caught her eye, and she headed towards it.
The guard’s outstretched paw stopped her. He bounded over and roughly shoved aside the leaves of a broad-leaf thyme revealing the smiling face and shining eyes of a seedling.
Her mind jumped back to planting. She’d had thirteen seeds originally, but one had been black; she’d tossed it away into the bushes and forgotten all about it.
The seedling looked up and wriggled his fingers at her, struggling to move but still rooted. With a determined look he tugged one leg free and then the other, tottering in his new freedom.
Seuan scooped up her newly sprouted child, giving thanks to the Sun God while she cried tears of joy.
* * *
Originally published in Flower Buds.
About the Author
Ian Madison Keller is a fantasy writer currently living in Oregon. Originally from Utah, he moved up to the Pacific Northwest on a whim a decade ago and never plans on leaving. Ian has been writing since 2013 with nine novels and more than a dozen published short stories out so far. Ian has also written under the name Madison Keller before transitioning in 2019 to Ian. You can find more about him on his website, http://madisonkeller.net
Frog Song
by Koji A. Dae
“I said it felt like a butterfly, then a hummingbird. But when I was alone, singing to my growing bump, it was a tadpole.”
The pains start as little things. Stretching and hardening. Slow and steady and quite manageable. So I pass the morning breathing and walking.
“Like a fly ‘at can’t find a spot to land!” Mama complains and shoos me from the kitchen. I’m surprised she doesn’t take the fly-swatter to my behind.
Honestly, I don’t mind being shooed. Part of me wants my mama, especially as the pains start twisting and pulling, as if something rotten has settled low in my belly. But I’m determined to keep this secret for as long as possible.
Mine.
I put my hand over my abdomen and waddle to the porch.
The first time I felt the baby flip, it was like a tadpole bumping up against reeds. Such a funny, ticklish feeling.
Mama was horrified. “No Becca. Babies are beautiful things. A butterfly flitting from flower to flower. That’s what you feel.”
Ever obedient, I tried to imagine the baby as a winged creature, but the extra weight in my middle definitely felt sloshy. The best I could conjure was a rainbow trout whipping its shiny tail around. I said it felt like a butterfly, then a hummingbird. But when I was alone, singing to my growing bump, it was a tadpole.
So you can’t blame me if I want to keep this as my own for as long as possible. It’s not selfish. Not exactly. It’s just Mama has a way of twisting things, and once she voices her opinion, it has a way of drowning out any other reality that might be fighting to blossom.
Take this house. It’s a fine house, sure, but Granddad was willing to give me and Jackson Uncle Sammy’s old house as a wedding present. It’s a bit drafty but a perfectly good house with two more rooms than this one.
Mama wouldn’t hear of it.
“Too close to those swamps. You’ll never get any sleep for all that croaking.”
She had a point. The north side of Evergreen is a big marsh, which is different than a swamp, but heaven help you if you correct Mama. During mating season, the frog song echoes all the way to the town center, sometimes cutting off the preacher if he goes on too long. But was it enough of a reason to make Papa build an entirely new house on the south edge of town while Uncle Sammy’s sits empty?
The real reason came out after I told her I was pregnant.
“See. Could you imagine having a baby so close to the swamp? It could just toddle off and die.”
She had a real reason with that one. When I was twelve, I nearly drowned in the marsh. Maybe I had gone for a swim, but Mama wasn’t hearing any nonsense about her baby girl swimming in a disgusting swamp, so the official story was I slipped in. Either way, I was underwater so long I almost died. When they pulled me from the marsh, I was covered in algae. Some had gotten in my lungs, the doctor said, and I had a strange infection the hospital couldn’t make sense of. I slept for a week, and when I woke up, I couldn’t remember anything. Not about the pond or my life before it. I also had bad jaundice that yellowed my skin. My blue veins looked green beneath the new coloring, and that green spread all over whenever I blushed. The other kids in town took to calling me frog-girl.
The color never went away, and I never got my memory back. Maybe that’s why I was never afraid of the marsh — I couldn’t remember it doing anything bad to me. If anything, that strange body of water called to me.
But Mama wouldn’t hear of me venturing near it, so I appeased myself by straining to hear the comforting lull of frog song on summer nights until she moved me too far away for even that.
Now, I settle into the rocker Papa made when he learned about the baby. It has a long, smooth motion that soothes me. I close my eyes and listen to the chirping of crickets and the lazy near-silence of summer.
* * *
A pinprick on my left side jolts me from my daze. It’s sharp but manageable at first, but it keeps spreading. Soon everything is tightening. I breathe. Short, short, long, the way the doctor taught me to breathe whenever I had an attack of nerves.
These attacks were so normal to me, I had thought they were common. It wasn’t until I started high school in the nearby city that I realized the sudden wheezing, and muscle weakness was something to be ashamed of.
“Frog girl, frog girl,” the kids would call in the corridors. The nickname had carried over with a few kids from my town. “Watch out, she’s going to croak.”
And I would please them by wheezing in and out — something that definitely sounded of a croak.
When the seizures started, the school recommended Mama “stop the silliness with that country doctor and take me to a specialist.”
The specialist, funny enough, was called Dr. Greene.
* * *
How can something tighten and stretch at the same time? It’s like being ripped in two. I push my feet on the legs of the rocker to stop the motion, lean back, and let out a long, low groan. One that sounds like a croak more than my wheezing ever did.
There’s a clatter in the kitchen that would usually concern me, but it sounds distant beneath my moan, which vibrates my entire body.
Mama’s at my side. I don’t know when she got here, but she’s pushing my hair back and patting my hand and saying comforting words that cool me like sweet tea on a summer day.
Gradually, her words make sense. “That’s it, Becca. Good girl. Almost through it.”
The pain dissipates like sugar, and my whole body relaxes. The chair rocks beneath my sudden weight.
“It’s started.” I can hear the excitement of Mama’s smile. “Why didn’t you come get me?”
I flutter my eyes open. The world is just as still and bright as it was five minutes ago. “I like the rocker.”
She pats my upper arm. “Then you stay here. I’ll go in and get some water to keep you cool. You want anything else?”
I shake my head. It doesn’t matter what I say. Mama’s in charge now, and she’ll come back with whatever she thinks I need. I should be annoyed, but today, it’s a comfort to have someone else in charge. Let her call the doctor and Jackson. I’ll just sit here and become one with all that summer buzzing.
I do wish Jackson was here. He would hold my hand the way he used to outside his father’s office.
Dr. Greene’s office was fancy, with heavy furniture and a dark rug. I remember thinking it was like waiting for my baptism. It had the same old, polished smell as the church. But there was something else. At fifteen, I had felt like a giant among those eight- and nine-year-olds. But Mama had insisted I do it again.
“If you can’t remember your first time, it doesn’t count.”
I wondered if that was true. If so, did none of my life before I was twelve count?
The preacher had given a sermon, but I wasn’t half listening. I had this feeling that I’d be a completely different person after the baptism. The preacher would dunk me, and he’d pull me out changed. I started wheezing and croaking, asking myself if I wanted to change.
I swallowed it down, though, because the actual baptism was held in a pond near the church. When the preacher finished, we walked to the pond singing a low hymn, and one-by-one he dunked us in the water.
Mama wrung her hands the whole time, but her faith was more important than her fear. It was the only time she let me in the water. I nearly slipped on the wet bank, and I heard her sharp intake of breath as I wobbled and steadied myself. I splashed into the water before she could change her mind.
It was cold, and my dress clung to me in some places and floated up in others. The sensation of buoyancy made me grin. The preacher pushed me back, his pressure firmer than I expected, and there was a moment of weightlessness that took away all my fear.
But Dr. Greene’s office was more like the church part. Stiff and stuffy and what if I didn’t want to become the healthy young woman he was supposed to turn me into?
Mama sent me to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I calmed down the best I could and was coming out wet and splotchy when I ran into Jackson carrying a box.
I apologized and waited for some harsh comment about my green face, but it never came. I suppose the son of a psychiatrist was raised to be nice to patients, but it didn’t matter why. He was the first boy to be nice to me and, baptism-be-damned, I was determined to fall in love with him.
* * *
I’ve already forgotten the intensity of the last pain. I could almost stand up and go for a walk, but I’m afraid the next one is just around the corner.
There!
No, that was just a twitch. I adjust my position, easing the ache in my lower back.
Mama comes out with a bowl of water, an already wet rag hanging over the side, and a tray of snacks. The baby twists defiantly at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I grab the cup of water and take a deep gulp.
“Easy with that. You don’t want to get a cramp.”
I nod but take another gulp.
“You should eat something.”
Another twitch in my stomach.
“I’m not hungry.”
She sets the tray on a nearby table and pulls the wooden stool next to me. “Doesn’t matter. You’ll need your strength.”
“Did you call Jackson?”
She wrings the cloth out and pats my forehead. “No sense worrying him yet. You’ve got plenty of time.”
I want to ask what makes her such an expert. She’s only had one baby, and that was twenty- three years ago. But still, she’s had one more baby than I have.
Another pain comes. It’s like a wave rushing over me, building and building and refusing to crash, and I’m grateful for Mama’s comforting hand and the cool rag.
Then it’s finally receding like algae parting when a frog jumps off a lily pad into the water.
I give a final groan, and Mama hands me the water. I sip instead of gulping.
“The world seems brighter,” I say.
“Too bright? We could move inside.”
“No. I like it outside.” What I don’t say is I have the strangest urge to go to the marsh.
It’s not the first time the craving has struck me. Other teens would sneak into the city to see a film or go dancing. Me and Jackson snuck off to the Marsh.
It was my idea. Being near that forbidden water excited me as much as his nervous lips on mine. We found a willow tree whose canopy hung out over the water. We leaned against its trunk, and he held me for hours.
“Why do you love it here so much?” he asked me.
“It calms me. The water is so deep and still. It’s relaxing just being near it.” I hugged him, listening to his teenage heart thunder. “And I like sharing it with just you.”
Somewhere in the distance a bullfrog gave a deep belch.
“Well, and him.”
We both laughed, then kissed.
That night Mama noticed the mud on my shoes and the wet seat of my pants. She forbade me from ever seeing Jackson again, but she seemed more concerned with where we had been than with what we were doing.
I suppose she had a reason for that, too. My face swelled up that night. The next morning my eyes were nearly swollen shut and my skin was a deep, leafy green with pustules opening, secreting a light fluid like tears down my cheeks and neck.
Back to the hospital. They said I was allergic to a protein in some human saliva. No kisses for me. No marsh. No frogs. No boyfriend.
* * *
Mama helps me stand and ushers me around our front yard. She assures me that walking will ease the pain and help the baby come faster. But the next contraction brings me to my knees.
I pant hard, and she rubs my back. I go down on all fours and notice every blade of dark green grass. Jackson keeps our yard trimmed, and they’re all cut blunt at the top. If it weren’t for the pain, I’d want to cry. Instead, I cry out. This scream can’t be mistaken for a croak. It’s loud and pure.
“It’ll pass, it’ll pass,” Mama’s saying. And it does.
I collapse back onto my heels, my knees spread in a V to accommodate my low-hanging bump. The sun is too hot on my head, but I’m too wiped out to move back to the porch.
“Tell me about your birth,” I say.
“My birth?”
“I mean mine. Yours with me. What was it like?”
Mama moves my hair from my brow. “There’s not much to tell. You were in my belly, then you were born.”
“Was it day or night? Did it hurt like this?”
She cocks her head to the side and considers, then stands over me. “You don’t want to hear about that. Let me go get some water.”
I’m suddenly back in the pew before the baptism. She’s sitting behind me, whispering. “If you don’t remember, it doesn’t count.”
Looking at all those young kids, I thought, “I’ve never been that young.”
This is what I told Dr. Greene in our first session.
“And do you believe your childhood doesn’t count?” he had asked.
“I just wish my parents talked about it more. Everything they say makes me sound like the perfect daughter. No kid could be that good.”
He chuckled. His eyes were the same shade of blue as Jackson’s, and I thought it would be nice to make him laugh.
Mama comes back and wipes the sweat from my forehead and cheeks. I must be fully green now. Mrs. Becca Greene. Mama used to make me tan for hours in the summer, because brown was more becoming than green. Like she could hide me. Even now, she lowers her eyes instead of looking at my skin.
* * *
When I’m able to stand again, I move down the driveway, away from the house.
“We shouldn’t go too far,” Mama warns.
“I thought you said I have plenty of time,” I huff. Maybe too much irritation comes through my words, because she winces and falls a step behind me.
“Where are we even going?” Her voice is full of false cheer. Beneath it there’s a familiar reverberation. The same waver her tone held when she told me I couldn’t see Jackson or couldn’t go to the Marsh. It’s the same fear she had when she sent me into the city on the bus my first day of school.
By the time my next contraction hits, we’re well down the tree-lined lane, and I know exactly where my feet are taking me. Maybe the idea of the destination gives me a boost of adrenaline, or maybe the contractions ebb and flow naturally. Either way, this one doesn’t bring me to my knees. I brace off of Mama’s shoulders, and squat a little into the buzzing pain in my abdomen.
“Breathe,” she commands.
And, ever obedient, I do.
The pain passes, and I gasp. My gasp turns to laughter. I’m going to make it through this.
“Let’s turn back,” Mama says.
We’re close to the houses at the lower edge of town. People can probably hear my moans. They can see me sweating and squatting.
Mama doesn’t like when people see me as different.
“We’ll have to pull you from school,” Mama had said when I returned from the hospital. “Once this gets out, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
“But Mama, I just have another year!” I whined. “What am I going to do without a diploma?”
“Plenty of women get jobs before they finish their education. You’ll find some place that will accept you for you.”
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted. But she wouldn’t hear of it, and in our house, her word was final.
My only hope at that point was Dr. Greene.
“You’ve got a right to an education,” he explained in our next session. “She can’t keep you home against your will.”
“I can’t go to school knowing she doesn’t want me to,” I said, “She wants what’s best for me, and I can’t hurt her like that.”
He nodded gravely. “And Jackson?”
That’s when I learned that not everyone hated me for being different. Jackson still wanted to date me, even if my allergy meant we couldn’t kiss. At the end of the session, I rushed up to his apartment to find him. We hugged hard, and he held my hand. I felt the overwhelming desire to kiss him, but we just hugged each other tighter.
“You still want me?” I asked.
“My frog-girl? Of course,” he grinned.
It was the first time I didn’t mind turning green. I let a blush run through my full body and relished the heat of it.
That evening, I packed a bag and told Mama I was staying with Jackson and his family. “They’ll take me in until I’m finished with school.”
She grabbed my wrist and spun me around. “You can’t do this to me. I created you.”
I shook her off of me. “If I can’t remember it, it doesn’t count, right?”
Now, I shake her hand off of my arm again. I straighten as best I can and march down the middle of the lazy street. Let the neighbors look.
Mama sighs heavily and scurries after me.
* * *
We’re well past the church, and my contractions are stopping us at least once a block. I’m past the point of leaning on Mama. Every time the tightening starts, I drop to my knees. I end up on the pavement or in the grass, on hands and knees, whining and bellowing like some kind of animal. I grunt and groan and push Mama off when she tries to comfort me. The contractions are coming faster together, but they aren’t as drawn out. It’s an intense minute of squeezing death, then relief. I am quick to pick myself up and keep walking.
When we pass the turnoff to Granddad’s street, Mama realizes where I’m heading.
“No, no, no,” she grabs my elbow. “You can’t be serious, Becca. Not there.”
I want to tell her that I’ve read stories about women in Europe giving birth in pools of water. The baby just slips out of them. It’s supposed to be less traumatic for both baby and mother. But words are beyond me at this point. All I can do is breathe and walk, and hope the baby gives me enough time to reach the marsh. Because somehow, I know that’s where it must be born.
I’m kneeling again, and I look up to her. “Tell me about my birth.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t. That’s what you want me to say, right?”
She wipes frustrated tears from her eyes.
They’re so much like the tears that fell when she finally said, “Fine, you can go to school.”
Those tears weren’t of surrender though. Her allowance was accompanied by a list of rules so long I couldn’t help but feel I was the one who lost. I was to continue living with them. I could see Jackson but only with a chaperone.
She sealed the new deal by kissing my forehead. The site swelled and blistered, reminding me that life was going to be difficult, and I was going to need my Mama to get through it.
“Tell me,” I pant.
She drops to her knees, pretenses-be-damned. “I found you in the swamp when you were twelve years old. We couldn’t find your parents, so we agreed to take you in. The doctor thought it would be easier for you if you just thought we were your parents. You had almost died. You didn’t need to know your parents had abandoned you.”
My head aches. I stand, this time pulling Mama to her feet.
“Let’s go home,” she whimpers.
But I continue walking north.
* * *
“You got everyone in the town to lie about who I am,” I huff after my next contraction.
My defiance sounds the same as it did the day I told Mama I was marrying Jackson.
“You can’t marry that boy,” she had said. “Marriage is about family. How are you ever going to give him babies? You can’t even kiss without swelling up like some… some frog!”
“We’ll figure it out,” I said. By then I had finished school but hadn’t been able to get a job. The potential employers were not as cruel as the school children, but they didn’t want to hire a green-skinned receptionist.
“The doctor thought it was best,” she says again, as if it will excuse half a lifetime of feeling like I didn’t belong and not being able to understand why.
“Did Dr. Greene know?” I bite my lip. Tears blur my vision. “Did Jackson?”
The next contraction tears through me, and my scream goes low and guttural. It sounds too much like a bullfrog. No wonder the children always called me frog-girl. They weren’t wrong. To them I was an oddity from the marsh, not a human playmate they had grown up with.
“Jackson didn’t know.”
At least there’s that.
I get up and continue walking. The blurry edge of the marsh is in view.
* * *
I don’t make it quite to the weeping willow. The contractions start coming too fast and hard, and they take me down by the edge of the water about a hundred yards from the tree. Each one sets my skin on fire and shakes my bones. I weep and cry out and croak.
There’s no one around to hear, which Mama is probably grateful for, but I don’t care. I scream louder. Let them hear my frog song.
There’s a shift in my belly, and a slipping, and I feel the incredible urge to exhale and let the baby drop from me.
“Almost there,” Mama coos. She’s holding my hand and standing behind me, letting me lean against her thighs as I squat deep.
Another tightening and another woosh of exhale. Then a burning between my legs like the preacher’s sermons of hell.
Another.
Then a pop, and it’s over.
A beautiful, grayish-pink baby slips from me. I fall back, Mama lowering me to the wet mud as I reach for my baby and bring her to my chest. She covers my dress with blood and other liquids, and she’s squished up almost too bad to look like a baby, but she’s beautiful.
I cry and hold her to me, and Mama sits in the mud beside us.
“You did good,” she says.
I nod, but I don’t really hear her. Blood still rushes in my ears.
I bend my head to my baby’s. I nuzzle against her, smelling her newborn scent.
“Becca,” Mama says, “Don’t.”
I kiss my newborn’s head.
The pinkish skin turns gray. Then green. It puckers and welts. Her arms flail, then change, webbing growing between her tiny fingers. Her legs fatten. Her head fuses to her tiny body. She stares at me a minute longer, then hops off my stomach.
She’s small for a baby, but large for a frog.
She hops twice, then splashes into the water.
Mama cries. Real tears. Heavy, sobs. Surrender.
I don’t know how I’ll explain this to Jackson, but I do know that if you remember it, it counts.
* * *
About the Author
Koji A. Dae is a queer American writer living long-term in Bulgaria with her husband, two kids, and cat. Her writing focuses on relationships, mental health, generational trauma, and parenting. More of her writing can be found in Clarkesworld, Apex, and her website: kojiadae.ink.