Feed aggregator

Once again, it’s probably better if we just let the publishers describe what Mickey’s All-Stars is all about… “Star artists from around the globe each draw a chapter of Mickey’s wildest adventure — from Giorgio Cavazzano (Disney Masters) to Mike Peraza (Mickey’s Christmas Carol) to Marco Rota, plus dozens more! While celebrating his birthday at a carnival, Mickey crosses the threshold of a fortune-teller’s mystic portal and finds himself flung headlong into an amazing journey. He encounters one phantasmagorical dimension after another — a fractured fairy tale kingdom, a cubist realm, and outer space — with plenty of dragons, mummies, and giant mouse-eating plants along the way. (Not to mention alternate versions of Goofy, Peg Leg Pete, and the Phantom Blot!) Can Mickey get back? How deep does this rabbit hole — er, mouse hole — go?” The answer is available now in hardcover from Fantagraphics.

image c. 2020 Fantagraphics Books

When I was younger, I used to watch a lot of action movies. I liked watching things explode, I liked those near-death experiences the main character would go through, I liked the crushing hope followed by those last-minute decisions that saved the day. And man, I got so much of that while reading Crossroads. It was exciting and thrilling. and every character had a part to play in being a hero. The scenes in the book played in my head like an action movie, and many of them were vivid enough to let me almost reach out and touch them.

Crossroads is the second book in the GENMOS series. Having not read the first one, I was a little worried about not knowing what was happening, but Stephen Coghlan did a great job of peppering in small amounts of background information that allowed me to understand the position these genetically modified people find themselves in. In this world, there are humans, and there are Genmos. Genmos are genetically modified humans that have turned partly into anthropomorphic animals. Not only that, but each one has a special ability or two that allows them to fight. They’ll need these abilities if they hope to bring down the evil agency that’s trying to kill them.

*SPOILERS AHEAD* The book starts off with half of the Genmos wanting to get revenge for what happened in the previous book. Against their “father’s” wishes, they infiltrate the agency’s HQ and corrupt their database. Hearing word of their stupid plan from one of his children, the symbolic father figure of the Genmos, Devlin, brings some of the others to help rescue the first group. Barely getting out of there alive, Devlin and his children escape to a new hideout where they try to live a peaceful, hidden life away from society. The group finds Brent Ives, a former evil agent, in their old house when looking for supplies, except he’s broken and mangled—a result of an incomplete Genmos process. Upon seeing him, Devlin is forced to make a choice: either go against his promise and complete the Genmos process again, or leave Ives there to suffer a painful death. Going with the former, Devlin brings Ives back to their hideout and saves him against some of the Genmos’ wishes. When he awakes, Ives is not himself. He’s a cat! And with the bodily change comes an attitude change. Ives—now known as Ibi—rejects his former life as an agent and swears his loyalty to helping the other Genmos. What they don’t know is that this is all according to the agency’s plan…

After they find the Genmos’ hideout and capture some of them, an agent named Ghost—who’s also a tiger Genmos—and the rest of the agency torture Devlin into giving them the rest of the Genmos process. It’s up to the remaining Genmos to rescue their father and siblings and stop the process plans from falling into the wrong hands, or paws. *SPOILERS CONCLUDED*

My main concern with reading this novel was that I wouldn’t understand the gravity of the characters’ situations. As expressed in the previous paragraphs, this was not the case, and I applaud Coghlan for giving just the right amount of explanation in the beginning chapters. With that worry out of the way, I greatly enjoyed this book. It was fun, it was dangerous, and it was very entertaining.

One of the main strengths of this book was the action. It seemed very clear to me as a reader that the author knew they wanted to make an action book that balanced well with the fantasy genre, and that came across strong. The action scenes were strong and well-written. They were clear and decisive, and they did a good job heightening or lowering the growing tension throughout the novel. There were a few places where I got confused as to what was happening, but they didn’t distract me too much.

The plot was pretty simple, which I also felt was a good thing. A book like this doesn’t need a complicated plot to be entertaining. However, I did feel like nothing really got accomplished. There seemed to be a few loose threads that remained from the first book, like Siren and Milan not knowing if their dad was alive. That question gets answered at the end of the book, which is a nice closing point. But that’s about all the ending does. It’s an answer to a question that I didn’t really know was there at the start. Reading only book two, I was more concerned with how this ragtag group of furries was going to stop the evil agency, and the story gets really close to answering that question, but it never quite closes it off. I’m assuming this is to leave room for a book three, but there wasn’t really another sub-plot for me to focus on, so this story just kind of...fell off a cliff at the end.

I did really enjoy the characters though. I can imagine it’s really difficult to write a story with so many characters wanting the spotlight, but Coghlan balanced it out really well, especially in the action scenes. I felt like I got a decent view of each character, which is impressive when you consider that there are like, more than twenty characters in this story. I felt like every single one had a significant moment, and I really admire writers who can manage that.

This book would appeal to teens, young adults, adults, and really anyone who likes action stories. There are some extreme moments where reading it out loud to a kid might not be the best idea, but for the most part it’s an easy-to-read story that’ll keep you entertained.

GENMOS: Crossroads by Stephen Coghlan

MOOBARKFLUFF! Click here to send us a comment or message about the show!

Atty-Boyyo joins us this week to discus their involvement in the fandom and the things they do!  Taeby reads us a very interesting story.  Is zeal laudable? What is an Otariigon?  Can colors be patterns? Can a strumpet have a slumgullion? Does a carcinogenic overweight louse provide sinister swag?  All these questions, and many more, are answered on this week's episode fraught with so many big words.  So join Bearly and Taebyn for some post Christmas fun! Propane!

Support the show

Thanks to all our listeners and to our staff: Bearly Normal, Rayne Raccoon, Taebyn, Cheetaro, TickTock, and Ziggy the Meme Weasel.

You can send us a message on Telegram at BFFT Chat, or via email at: bearlyfurcasting@gmail.com

Bearly Furcasting #35 - Atty-Boyyo, Classic Comedy Bits, PC Storytime, Really Bad Jokes

As we celebrate the 4-year anniversary of the original film’s release, thanks to Animation World Network we’re learning more about the plot of Sing 2, coming to us next December from Illumination. “In Sing 2, can-do koala Buster Moon and his all-star cast of animal performers prepare to launch their most dazzling stage extravaganza yet… in the glittering entertainment capital of the world. There’s just one hitch: They first must to persuade the world’s most reclusive rock star — played by legendary music icon Bono, making his animated film debut — to join them. Buster and his cast have turned the New Moon Theater into a local hit, but Buster has his eyes on a bigger prize: Debuting a new show at the Crystal Tower Theater in glamorous Redshore City.” Check out the article for more details. [And of course, have a Safe and Merry Christmas, everyone!]

image c. 2020 Illumination

Check out a clip from a new Pixar short that drops at Christmas on Disney+, so cute.

 

 

Clip: Burrow

Hope everybody is having a safe holiday.

Hecc… all flights are cancelled…

Ticket For Your Holiday

They just put out the new opening/theme for season 2 and I’m not sure how I feel about ditching the stop motion.

BEASTARS Season 2 Opening

Howloween—not related to the con of the same name—is one of the latest anthologies by Thurston Howl Publications. This erotic-horror collection contains six short stories by different authors which take a new approach to common horror tropes such as haunted buildings, trick-or-treating shenanigans, and, more importantly, monsters. CW: while the anthology focuses more on the erotic part than horror (with one very notable exception), it does contain depictions of dubious consent, physical violence, assisted suicide, among others, so reader discretion is advised. The anthology starts with "Willful Assumption of Chains" by Al Song. This story starts with Will, our foxy main character, restraining Uwe, his wolf boyfriend, before the full moon rises. Unsurprisingly, this is because Uwe is a werewolf (well, he was already a wolf before transforming, so... a wolf-wolf?), but things take a turn for the sexual when Will decides to go check on his boyfriend after not hearing any noises coming from where he's supposed to be kept. What really makes the story for me, besides the hot werewolf bondage action, is how Uwe manages to be quite charming both before and after his transformation, something which plays a role later on in the story. Next is "Cherry Red on Pumpkin Hill" by Richard Coombs. Playing on the typical "haunted house on the hill" trope, this story follows Trisha, a young vixen who decides to stay one night inside an old, dark house where no one who has entered has left...unspanked. Personally, not one of my favorite stories, but this is mostly because of the choice of kink. However, the story does have a nice and fun setup and follow-up, so if spanking's your thing, this should be right up your alley. After that, we continue with "Shockingly Straight" by Ferric. In this story, the only one without a supernatural component, we follow Reeve, a crow porn star, and her attempts to film alongside Smoke, her new feline coworker and the "straight" in the title. One thing that really makes this story stand out is the dual narration between what's being recorded vs. what's actually happening on set, with a very start contrast on the relationship between Reeve, Smoke, and their characters; though the constant interruptions, while realistic, kill some of the pacing. "Good Girls Get Treats" by Faolan comes next. This story stars "Belle," a dog-play enthusiast who has troubles connecting to other pups due to her gender, but who finally finds a kindred spirit in Angel, another pup, and her handler, Meifeng. However, as Meifeng and Angel leave, Belle has to decide whether she follows the pair to who-knows-where to have some more...fun. Personally, my favorite story in the anthology, thanks in no small part to the kinks that were chosen for it, but the characters and pacing also played a big role in it. Next is "Venus in White" by Cedric G! Bacon. In this Gothic horror tale, we follow Severin, a tortured soul whose life revolves around his mistress, the eponymous lady in white. Now, as it can be guessed by the "horror" part, this is the one exception I mentioned at the beginning. Not only do the overall feelings of dread, decay, and stagnation shown by Severin's narration separate this story from the rest of the anthology, but the sex in this story is not what could be considered "good sex." Overall it's a really good story, and if you're looking for horror, this is the one piece you should make sure to read, but if you're here more for the erotic parts, well, let's just say that the Venus does not stay long in white and that many of the content warnings apply almost exclusively to this story. Last but not least, we have "Gently Kept" by Royce Day. This story follows Pete and Chaula, a couple of friends who go to an abandoned asylum, but things get complicated when Pete gets trapped inside one of the rooms with no way of getting out, and that's besides the disembodied voices they've been hearing. While not to the same extremes as the previous story, this one could also be considered to lean a little more on the horror part of erotic-horror, especially when taking into account that the kink explored in this story is chastity (an ironic yet fitting choice). As a whole, Howloween was a fun read, and the several nice illustrations by Tokenworks were the icing on the cake. If you're looking for something short and sweet to read next October, this might just be the book for you; but if you're looking for something to make your skin crawl, there might be better options.

Howloween, vol. 1, ed. Thurston Howl

In tandem with event virtualisations globally due to COVID-19, this year’s Furry Film Festival (F3) saw a total of 8 magic-themed short films from various participants. Well-known furry fandom personalities YouTuber Majira Strawberry, filmmaker Ash Coyote and Twitch streamer Kiit Lock was in attendance at the judge panel. With five awards in store, the nearly […]

MOOBARKFLUFF! Click here to send us a comment or message about the show!

The staff of BFFT get together for a holiday gathering and chat about Christmas traditions. Taebyn reads a couple of Christmas stories and Regdeh sings a holiday classic.  We even make a phone call to the North Pole and Chat with the main Polar Bear himself: Santa Paws!  So grab a cup of eggnog, or your favorite holiday beverage and join the party!

Support the show

Thanks to all our listeners and to our staff: Bearly Normal, Rayne Raccoon, Taebyn, Cheetaro, TickTock, and Ziggy the Meme Weasel.

You can send us a message on Telegram at BFFT Chat, or via email at: bearlyfurcasting@gmail.com

A Bearly Furcasting Staff Christmas!

今年首度舉辦的新獸迷活動Furpoint獸聚點，於臺北市大安區的「Night & Day Bistro旅人的時區」正式舉辦，主辦方在參與人數上了做出了限制，令此次的活動的進行方式有別於以往的大型獸迷聚會。接下來，讓我們為您，一探究竟。

2020年疫情風波持續延燒，隨著臺灣最大規模的獸迷活動「獸無限Infurnity」改為線上舉辦，一些中小型活動也如雨後春筍般的誕生；其中除了於上月11月21號臺南市舉辦的FurMIT之外，便是今年最後的一場活動——Furpoint獸聚點，與以往大型獸迷活動最大的差異，就在於場地大小以及受到限制的參與人數，此次活動的參與人數只有約90人，因此活動內容也與以往有所差異。

主辦 V：｢我在大概五六月的時候，想說獸無限取消了，年底好無聊哦，自己辦一個好了，但我在想說嗯…辦一個不要太大的好了（切畫面）。我覺得以前獸展，人很多，然後又走來走去，所以相說乾脆弄一個小不拉機的，然後讓每個人都可以講話，而且可以輕鬆控制場地會比較好一點。｣

｢以臺灣獸展來說的話，比較缺乏是多樣化，我這次辦這個也只是單純想要去嘗試一個…像實驗吧？｣

副主辦 夢魘：｢（大型獸聚）他可以辦很多很多元的、很華麗的活動，但是相對的，人跟人之間的交流就會沖淡許多；再回過來看小型獸聚，相對的人與人之間、獸迷與獸迷的交流就變得非常的密切又頻繁，但是相對的他們就比較沒有大型獸聚那種有辦法商業規模經營、或者是說去辦法辦很多很複雜很多元的活動。（大小型獸聚）各自的優點融合在一起，其實也真的是一部份想實驗看看，這樣的規模、這樣的活動，在臺灣這樣子舉辦，是不是有個蠻不錯的結果。｣

活動的內容也是十分豐富，包括主題獸聊、桌遊、毛毛團康遊戲以及電音派對等，此外主辦方更是請來了國際獸迷的研究機關Furscience進行講座解說。

副主辦 夢魘：｢我們這次報名得到的毛毛數大概是在20到21隻左右，連同我跟主辦兩隻毛的話總共有20到21隻，那實際到會場的話，好像只有一兩隻毛毛還沒來｣

雖然不如大型獸聚盛大，但小型規模的活動卻也別有一番新意；不過無論如何，讓參與在其中的大家能在活動中玩得開心，才是最重要的。（傑克 魟／臺北市報導）

Animation World Network let us know about Love Monster, a new animated series for the young set that’s coming soon to HBO Max. It’s based on a series of picture books by Rachel Bright. “Love Monster follows the colorful and funny exploits of one-of-a-kind, huggable hero Love Monster as he navigates the challenges involved in being a bit funny looking in a world of cute fluffy things. Every day provides Love Monster the opportunity to embark on all kinds of big adventures with his friends in Fluffytown, where, together, they learn all kinds of little life lessons. Full of heart and helping preschoolers understand and manage different emotions, Love Monster showcases the importance of kindness, empathy, connection, and instinct.” The AWN article includes an official trailer.

image c. 2020 Boat Rocker Studios

New documentary by Ash Coyote!!!! OMG!

The creators of “The Fandom” are excited to present our second feature documentary of 2020: HERO. Join us as we follow Hero, a 24-year-old furry diagnosed with cancer, on a journey of self discovery as he gets his first fursuit.

Trailer: Hero

Okay, don’t ask us how we missed a graphic novel series with a title like Pirate Penguin vs. Ninja Chicken. But now we’ve found it, thanks to IDW Publishing. “Pirate Penguin and Ninja Chicken are friends. Or maybe they’re enemies. Heck, if they can’t keep track, then how can we!? Whatever they are, they’re definitely hilarious. We think you’ll like this book: there are about a bajillion jokes inside, and it’s filled with action, adventure and arguments. Sometimes the stories are really teeny, about stuff like ice cream smoothies or making fun of your friends (just like real life!), and sometimes the story gets really epic-tastic, filled with spaceships and giant monsters and evil koalas and stuff (just like real life!). Plus, since it’s about pirates, there are at least 17 sword-fights (that’s the rule with pirates).” Written and illustrated by Ray Friesen, PPvsNC has two volumes out in hardcover with a third one due next summer.

image c. 2020 Penguin Random House

Species: Wildcats is a recent installment in a series of short story anthologies arranged by theme according to their protagonist’s species. In Wildcats, our focus is on felines, and each story features a large cat character. The anthology opens with some public domain works, beginning with William Blake’s "The Tyger" followed by one of my favorite short stories of all time," The Lady and The Tiger?". Next up are a pair of folktales that add a nice touch of both lyrical language and dark grimness which perfectly captures the overall tone of the anthology. The rest of the stories are reviewed individually below.

"Wanderlust" by Cedric G! Bacon:

"Wanderlust" is the story of a bobcat ghost who befriends a tigress with a long history of being abused and subsequently abuses her. Because I was intensely triggered by this story, I am unable to give it an unbiased review aside from saying that it has some glaring tense issues that didn’t get caught in editing and that it very much needed a trigger warning for Abuse, Rape, and the way it portrays violence against women. [Editor's note at end]

"The Corvette Nedra" by Sonriah Thais:

The second “new” story in Wildcats is a science fiction story about a Felid Tiger stranded in a ship’s graveyard who attempts to steal a derelict ship with the help of its sassy A.I. This is a really cute and sweet story with a twist that, while somewhat guessable, was still really fun. It was a light, refreshing read to follow the opener, though it too suffered from the tense issues that, oddly enough, are sort of consistent across the first half of the book.

"On The Hunt" by Ferric the Bird:

This is another story with a sprit of fun behind it. It opens very originally with a protagonist who is playing out their sentence in Hell. We learn as we go that Jake is a demonic agent who is often sent back up to the world above to catch other demons who are breaking the rules. The opening scene in Hell was witty and delightful, and the story has a good pace and clean writing. I found the over-sexualization of all the female characters a little tedious, but it fit the theme and the character well.

"What It Means To Be Loved" by Isa Al-Ramad:

Here is an interesting inclusion of a pro-religion story in which a gay Lynx deals with his love for his husky friend. Instead of rebelling against his faith’s teaching that gay sex is “wrong,” the character follows the tenets to the letter. And this is where the story really challenged me. It is very sweet and gentle, and I found the description of the “three types of love” interesting. But while there are many valid and beautiful reasons for a protagonist to seek out a relationship without an erotic/sexual component, the fact that he did so because gay sex is “wrong”, made me intensely uncomfortable. I’m still attempting to digest this story and to parse where the line should lie between pro-religion and anti-gay. For me, this story left me sad and a little disappointed and so wasn’t quite a win. I would have loved to see a pro-religion story that highlighted the support, charity and forgiveness religion can provide rather than one that seems resigned to something that felt discriminatory.

"Fathers To Sons" by Mikasi Wolf

This was the first story in the book that hooked me entirely. It’s a tale abut a lion who has been conscripted into the service and his experience in boot camp. I loved the deep way we’re embedded in the character, the language, and the sensitivity of this story. It was one of the cleanest written pieces as well with a heartwarming ending and marked a distinct uptick in the stories in the book for me.

In Search Of The City Below by Thurston Howl

Start with a Siberian Tiger on a search for Atlantis, and you’ve pretty much won me over. Add in a skunk, some twists, and Howl’s lovely, solid writing and this story was all win. Like all the stories in the second half of Wildcats this one is well-written, enjoyable, and lovely.

"The Night The Stars Fell" by KC Alpinus

This story was a re-read for me as I’ve encountered it before in another publication. It is written in lush descriptive language and deeply embedded in culture and history. The tale relates the trials of Arrow Stars and her betrothed Obsidian Fang as they attempt to save their people from the influence and treachery of foreign invaders. The language is beautiful, and the treatment had a ring of authenticity to it that makes this story an absolute delight.

"Ember In The Night" by Ban Wynn Oakshadow

Farrah is a mystical tiger in the midst of one of his people’s most holy ceremonies. He is devout and has ascended to one of the highest levels he can attain in this existence, until one of the lowliest of creatures teaches him a profound and heartbreaking lesson about love, faith, and change. The tone in this story is delicious. The writing is rich and lyrical and, while a little slow at the start, so enjoyable to read. This story is poetic, and to me was the real gem of this anthology. I fell in love with both the message and the writing and it let Wildcats end on a very high note for this reader.

Overall, Species: Wildcats was something of a mixed bag. Most of the stories are well written and fairly polished, and I found a good mix of lightheartedness, sharp wit, and dark contemplation. It is, in my opinion, not a book for the very sensitive reader. But if one enjoys stories that really challenge them, maybe even keep them up late at night, then you will definitely find what you’re after here.

[Editor's note: Regarding the lack of content warnings, the publisher does apologize for this. Due to a moving situation at the time of formatting, it was definitely overlooked by Thurston Howl. However, THP has long been a proponent of including content warnings in creative projects, has done so both before and after this title but definitely dropped the ball with this one. So Thurston Howl humbly apologizes and promises to do better with that in the future. It is no fault of the editor.]

SPECIES: Wildcats, ed. by KC Alpinus

MOOBARKFLUFF! Click here to send us a comment or message about the show!

This week we chat with Path Hyena about Furry Cons, what it is like being a con chairman, and how it feels to finish being chairman. We chat with a fur during Five Minute Furs for Fun. Taebyn tells way to  many jokes  Are math millennium problems the same as millennial problems? Can a Shovel Jerk be a Black Happy? This week we break the record for length of our podcast, but we know you will enjoy our time together. Bearly and Taebyn are waiting for you to login and listen!

Support the show

Thanks to all our listeners and to our staff: Bearly Normal, Rayne Raccoon, Taebyn, Cheetaro, TickTock, and Ziggy the Meme Weasel.

You can send us a message on Telegram at BFFT Chat, or via email at: bearlyfurcasting@gmail.com

Bearly Furcasting #34 - Path Hyena, 5 Minute Furs, Math, Really Bad Jokes

This cute holiday commercial comes from the before time but since it’s near the holiday check out this cute hedgehog.

The film shows Freddie the hedgehog vulnerably crossing a road at night. His rescuer is on his way to see if he has the winning ticket when he just manages to avoid hitting Freddie. Instead of driving off again he stops to take Freddie back to his home to recover. Ultimately, they both find happiness in helping one another and we see no amount of money in the world can top that.

New Year’s Eve Lottery

Hello Papabear, I have a question for you.

So when I grow up, I want to be an artist. I really love making art, it helps me express myself in ways I cannot to otherwise. It also helps me make others happy, which is one of the things I very much love doing.

Now I’m sure you’re aware of the major differences between drawing on paper and drawing digitally. I want to try and transition more into digital art on my computer so I can not worry about eraser marks messing me up and being able to color better and what not. Plus, it’ll help with my future job as an artist.

I also love playing video games. I have a few consoles, namely Nintendo ones like the Switch, and I play some games on my computer too. Usually my parents let me play however long I want as long as I have schoolwork done and don’t have any chores. I also cannot be on electronics after 9:30 PM.

Recently my school has gone to full virtual, meaning me and my little sister are going to be stuck at home. I was hesitant about drawing for a while because I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I would just do some sketches in my sketch book once a month. I’ve gotten the confidence now to start drawing again and I want to go back to digital drawing to improve my skills, which I need my computer for. But my parents said that since me and my sister are going to be home all the time, we are only allowed 4 hours on our computers a day and no time extensions.

This puts a limit on how much I can practice my drawing. I want to be able to draw on the computer, but also do my games too in a single day without feeling like I have to do one or the other because of the time limit. And what confuses me the most is my parents still let me use the Switch and my other consoles as much as I want as long as I have schoolwork done and no chores.

So basically I want to have more time on the computer to draw, but I’m afraid they’ll get mad at me and think I want it just for my games. What do you think I should do?

-Cass

* * *

​Dear Cass,

I think what your parents are trying to limit is you and your sister doing unproductive things online (or what they see as unproductive) such as playing games or chatting on social media. This is different from your working on your skills as an artist.  My advice would be to talk to your parents to better define computer time. For example, doing school work on the computer is not something they would try to limit, I would think. Similarly, if you explain to them that art is something you are serious about and might even make a career of, and that learning to use a computer to create digital art is essential for a career in, say, graphic arts, then they should look to this time as being career-oriented.

So, when you talk to them about your art, don't describe it as being for fun and laughs but, rather, as a serious educational pursuit to develop a marketable skill set. Then, while agreeing to the time limit for games and social time on the computer, tell them you need a separate standard for computer time when it involves your education, whether that is for school or for developing your knowledge and ability to create art digitally. Oh, and it would help a lot if at least some of the art you are creating is not furry related. Work on stuff that could have commercial value, such as creating logos, drawing buildings, or portraits of people. These are all things that can help your furry art, so it's not wasted time by any means.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

Beautiful short with a very sad topic.

Scientists were predicting for quite a few years that things would start getting bad for penguin populations and now researchers are already seeing a decline in the Antarctic.

“A penguin tries to save his family from the damage that global warming has caused to their habitat.”

Melty Hearts

How to know you are in your true sexuality, or in-denial, or obsessed about sexuality?

Good day, Papabear!

I apologize if this might seemed to be too ranty or seem immature. I ask for your patience if there are grammatical errors. English is only my second language. I hope expressing my secrets on this site will help me to connect. I've been keeping this secret for so long.

When I was a child, other kids labelled me as gay or bisexual because they said I was too nerdy, lanky, soft, and effeminate. They even said I act more delicate and sensitive than most of the other girls. Due to that, I felt like it became a "licensed" for other boys to dominate me. There was a time, someone humped; other times, they showed their dick print; and usually they are caressing me like I was a dainty little girl. I know this because they emulate a certain show where a girl is surrounded by boys, and they treat me like I was that girl. Also, when I was much younger, my brother, who is two years older than me, engaged me in gay sex. It so happened that he experienced the same thing with his male classmates and our much older cousin. My thoughts during that time are empty. I don't know what we are doing during that act. Did I like it? Am I in denial? Am I truly straight? I hate that experience.

I don't want to become someone's bitch. I don't want to be submissive. I hate they abused their power against me. If only I am not a weak, passive, and introverted, and trying to maintain the image of "be a good boy who hurts no one," I'll fight them off. The thought of someone who is much stronger, bigger, virile, and loud, dominating a weaker person feels so unpleasant. Yet, here I am in a rabbit hole of NSFW furry art, searching for furry porn that usually has themes of solo, muscled males, and then eventually to big dom/small sub.

My liking for anthros or kemono characters, beastmen & human girl pairings, obsessions about having a well-built muscle (and, embarrassingly, being well endowed), playing video games, and idling around the internet served as a gateway for NSFW stuff which started around 2014. It started at first in searching beastman and human girl pairings, until I went to gay content. (They are usually much well-drawn, and are much well-endowed and muscley.) At first, I was repulsed, yet I've observed why do I feel something in my groin? It seems I automatically to "self insert" my consciousness on them. It was like "how would I feel if I was them?" I strongly felt unpleasant whenever I view NSFW arts that have tags of rape, M/M or M/F sexual humiliation, gore. I keep searching them. I should separate the feelings from fantasy and reality. But, I can't stop that bad feeling and mental image to go away.

My thoughts told me that "you felt erection especially on M/M, so you must be gay. You felt your heart beat faster, and sudden heavy force in your stomach. That must be your arousal. You need to accept it by exposing yourself or else you are homophobic, and you are living a lie. You see that? the submissive male is you. It became my compulsion to masturbate on that stuff, yet I am so confused if I actually enjoy it or not. This became my midnight ritual: search for furry porn, then masturbate--almost everyday even now. I felt nervous if I don't flush the toilet three times and If I don't pour water around its rim, or else they might found out how disgusting I am. Since I am always sleeping past midnight, it affected my school performance noticeably from 3rd year high school, and it even affects my performance in college which is BSME (I know this course needs a lot of attention, yet I am distracted so I don't have stellar performance). What once have been a brilliant mind (as esteemed by my close friends, family, and self) to a severely crippled, distracted, weird mind (I don't opened this to any of them except for a very few because I know this is weird, in a negative way, cringy, and pathetic from outside view).

On June 2020, I opened this to my classmate who also happened to identify himself as gay. After I revealed this secret, I asked him if I was truly gay or something . He said I might have unconventional interest, but others have much weirder than that yet lead decent lives. He doesn't sense any kind of "gay energy" within me. He said I might be too obsessed and a perfectionist. I felt a short term of respite, but they are not completely gone. If I don't want to belong to any label, am I queer? What if I was just a male who happens to act softly? What if I was lying myself this whole time?

I felt usually in low energy. My brain seems to be foggy and full of random and intrusive thoughts (aside from above, there are thoughts showing me licking the feces on the road or on toilet. There are thoughts showing randomly while I'm doing everyday tasks where a dominating virile monster is on my back and trying to sexually subdue me). I don't enjoy these thoughts, but why I'm having erection?

Does this signify that I'm gay or bisexual in-denial? Was it due to my obsessiveness? I don't know. I just want to cleanse my mind. I just want to be free from these feelings. I can't afford therapy, because we are poor (You do not need to be obligated to help in financial matters). What I've read from psychological self-help books like "The body keeps the score" and a few others is that trauma from childhood manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Also, sharing secrets to others anonymously especially in safe places will help alleviate the distress even for a short time, and worry about the fear of being found out in person. I don't have to worry about someone who I share my secrets with, seeing me.

I know that you have your own problems. I am sorry if I did add some burden. I felt like managing this kind of page is mentally exhausting, but I am still sending you this.

Who knows? My confession might be one of the catalysts for healing.

Thank you so much for your time and understanding. I am grateful for your efforts.

Have a good day!

Anonymous (age 21, The Philippines)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for writing such a deeply personal and important letter to me. And, yes, writing your thoughts and feelings down can be helpful. In fact, if you don't already do so, consider keeping a journal and writing your feelings and thoughts down every day. It can be very therapeutic.

There are a few things to address here, so bear with me (pardon the pun). First of all, it is entirely possible for a man to have "effeminate, girly" qualities and still be straight (just as you can have very masculine men who are gay--leathermen and bears). What we consider to be effeminate or masculine is not biological; it's purely cultural. In some old cultures, for example, women did the hunting and men weaved baskets and took care of the children. A little more recently, back in the early 20th century in America, at least, pink was a color that boys wore, and blue was for girls. It was only much later that there was a switch. Today, men enjoying "girl" things is sometimes called "metrosexual." Of course, the opposite can be true for women. They can enjoy "guy things" (like racing cars, engineering, boxing) and still be heterosexual. Culture can be a trap. Being kind and sensitive like you are isn't weak or girly, either. It takes more strength to love than it does to hate. And, if you feel physically weak, well, there's nothing that says you can't go to the gym and work out and still enjoy being sweet and gentle.

Next topic: rape. If you are sexually molested (this doesn't have to involve penetration but can include things like inappropriate touching, shaming, groping, or even teasing you by displaying their own sex organs, etc.) by family members, classmates, or whoever and forced to have sex against your will, that's rape. Rape is often not a sexual act but, rather, an act of assault. "Butch" guys who are insecure in their masculinity will often go after someone who seems weak to them and assault them physically and sexually to "prove" they are strong (in reality, it does the opposite). To do so is meant to humiliate the victim, not to prove that he or she is gay. If you are a victim of such an assault, the thing to do is report it to the authorities. You don't say whether you did that or not, but I hope you did. I'm not sure by reading your letter whether or not the thing with your brother was consensual. It sounds like he initiated it and you just went along with it, probably because you felt pressured to. Again, because you are a sweet, sensitive person, others perceived you as being weak and took advantage of you. That in itself does not mean you are gay. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and other orientations are biological. However, being assaulted can certainly turn you away from the gender that abused you. This is a topic that has filled many books, so I don't have room for it in this column, but there are many aftereffects of rape, and one of these can be questioning your sexual orientation (as you wisely noted).

What do you do now? First, you need to try to recover from the sexual molestations you have suffered. This article summarizes the many things you can do, including everything from seeking professional counseling to simply treating yourself with kindness. In addition, you need to focus on accepting yourself for who you are without regard to society's definitions of who you should be as a young man. The cultural standards of human society are oppressive, limiting, and imprisoning. Liberate yourself by defining who you are and what your own moral compass tells you to do, and fuck society. Human society is a mess, so why would you wish to emulate it? That is one reason why we have furries--most of whom reject human society to celebrate their own individuality.

Bottom line is this: you shouldn't care if you are gay, bi, straight, or whatever else you might be. The sooner you stop obsessing about your sexual orientation the happier you will be. Look, I am a gay bear, but I don't go around wearing my orientation on my sleeve. I don't walk up to people at a party and say, "Hi! I'm Kevin and I'm gay!" Do you see people at parties saying, "Hi! I'm Bob and I'm a heterosexual"? Similarly, you should not define yourself by who attracts you physically. I bet you are a lot of other things besides what makes your penis hard. I, for one, would like to know what your hobbies and interests are, your likes and dislikes. THAT is what makes you an interesting person, not what type of porn you look at online.

Your obsession with this, as you note, is affecting your life at school and at home. Obsessions and addictions of any sort are unhealthy. It would not hurt you, I daresay, to get some therapy if you can (I know money is an issue), hopefully from a professional who is not a homophobe and is nonjudgmental. So, don't go to a church counselor. I've talked with some others in the Philippines and have heard it is a rather macho culture, so you might need to shop around a bit to find a good counselor who isn't trying to make you a cultural conformist so that you become "normal" by their standards.

So, to answer your initial question, yes, you are definitely obsessed with your sexuality, and this is because of two things: 1) your rape experience, and 2) your struggle to be accepted for yourself. These are things that are not solved overnight but, rather, you need to work on over time. You also ask if you are in denial. No, I don't think you're in self-denial; I just think you haven't figured yourself out yet. You have been addressing the issue head-on, so that's a good thing. You should continue to actively explore your sexuality. At 21 years old, you're right in that time of life when many people are still working on their sexual orientation. Heck, I didn't really figure out mine until I was 40, so everyone is different. Don't compare yourself to other people's standards or timelines. Work at your own pace. Finally, how do you know "you are in your true sexuality?" as you put it. Well, not with porn. You will know for sure when you find someone you love and wish to be with and with whom you have a good sexual relationship, whether that person is gay, straight, trans, male, female, or whatever. Fall in love with the person, not their genitals. Sexuality is not, ironically, just about sex. It is about the kind of person you are attracted to, who they are on the inside. Sexuality is largely in the mind.

Human sexuality is extremely complicated. Most people, studies show, are not 100% gay or 100% straight but, rather, somewhere in between on the spectrum. Don't worry about it. And don't let society and those around you define who you are. Sexuality is just one small piece of the full human being that you are. Explore your life. Explore the world. It is an amazing place to learn about once you finish cleaning up in the bathroom. Things will eventually fall into place for you if you let things flow organically, naturally.

I hope that makes sense to you. Feel free to write again if you have more questions.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear